Spaced Out Fools
R.E.M. Meet The Star Trek Bunch And Those Two From The X Files
This is a weird fantasy, involving the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation", R.E.M. and Fox Mulder with Dana Scully, all coming together on the holodeck for a host of misadventures. This is a comedy so I hope you will find it funny--if not, well, I guess you have no sense of humour.
Captain Jean Luc Picard awoke one morning, or at least his watch told him so---it was always dark outside, feeling that something bizarre was going to happen to him and the crew of the Enterprise. He couldn't put his finger on it, exactly, but something was amiss. After getting dressed and marching out to the bridge, Picard encountered Commander Will Riker, with an equally puzzled look on his handsome face.
Will, is something about to happen to us? I cannot shake this feeling that we are going to be invaded with something or someone who will make a shambles of my ship. What do you think?
Yes, sir, I believe we are going to encounter some aliens on the holodeck. I overheard Data telling Worf just that. Who do you suppose it is and what do they want? Will they be friendly or fierce, tame or wild, young or old, rich or-----
I get your point with a sledge hammer, Will. Let's go find Data and see if he has any clue what's going on.
Just then Data appeared, his usually jaunty self, if not a tad whiny. He stopped Picard and Riker in their tracks.
Yes, Data, we both get your point. Let's head on off to the holodeck and not stretch the suspence out any longer.
The three of them walked swiftly down the corridor and encountered Deanna Troy, reading something in which she was engrossed. Riker put his hand on her slender shoulder.
Why, Will, you scared me half to death! Almost as much as when you grew that beard and moustache. What on earth is it?
Before Riker had a chance to explain, two strange figures loomed ahead of them. It appeared that one was male and one was female.
Stop right there! Who are you and what are you doing on my ship? I demand to know the answer!
Why, Captain, how forceful of you. I like forcefulness in a man.
Data cocked his head to the side in that annoying way of his.
Commander, is there something we should know about you?
Before Riker had a chance to climb out of that quicksand, they were all at the holodeck. Deanna closed the book she was reading.
The two aliens went in there. I know because I'm an empath and that makes me better than the three of you combined.
Excuse me? Are you aware you are dissing officers higher than yourself? We could have your ass in a sling for that kind of talk.
The four officers stepped gingerly onto the holodeck. There, large as life, were what looked like two earthlings, although you can't be too sure about things like that.
Halt! Who goes there? What are you doing on my ship and where did you come from?
Turning around, there stood a young man and woman, looking rather bewhildered.
And just who are YOU? We were given the assignment to investigate your holodeck to see if everything was okay. We're from the FBI. I'm Agent Scully and this is Agent Mulder. Have you guys got something to hide?
Riker, Picard, Data and Deanna looked around and shrugged.
We are almost into our third millenium on earth. Oh, dammit, I said the word "millenium", that dumb show that knocked us from Friday night to Sunday. Ugh!
Okay, so you're primitive earth people who come from some club called the FBI. What the hell were you doing with our holodeck?
Viagra? What is that? A new mutation of Klingon?
Oh, for God's sake, never mind. You people or whatever you are seem dumb as a post. You don't even realize the potential danger in that holodeck. We were sent here to dismember it.
NO! You cannot take our holodeck! It's the only pleasure we have on this ship of fools.
You guys are unreal! And you with the white face---are you one of those pantomime things that everybody finds so annoying?
Well, that does it! Off you go! Scoot, scoot, scoot before we have you forceably removed from our ship!
Picard, Riker and Deanna all stare in wonderment at Data. He was getting more human every day.
Oh, just ignore all of them. I'm Deanna Troy and I'm an empath. I bet you've never heard of one of those, have you?
Can't say that I have. But you're changing the subject. If you can prove to Agent Mulder and myself that your holodeck isn't addicting, dangerous or a big time-waster, then you may keep it functioning. If not, it's toast, brother.
Suddenly, four more figures came sifting down the corridor.
Hey! Who the hell are YOU and what are you doing on MY ship?? It's mine, you hear me? Mine, mine, mine!!!
Don't have a cow, old man. We're the one and only R.E.M. On earth we are very, very famous and make a ton of money just for singing.
Well, whoop-de-doo. We don't give a rat's ass how famous you are on your primitive earth----get off our ship NOW! All six of you! Begone!
What is all this fascination with our holodeck. Have you people gone insane? You, the short one----you don't even have any hair. I'm an android but Vincent Price was kind enough to put hair on my head. What a bunch of losers.
Next installment of the screenplay: All of them end up in a wild adventure on the holodeck. It's the Enterprise crew, R.E.M., with Mulder and Scully you've never seen before---thank heavens.
