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It was the day before Mother's Day when I found out I was pregnant. It was quite a shock because it was not a planned pregnancy, however, I was very excited.
I had problems in the beginning. When I was 8 weeks pregnant I had some bleeding. I went to the emergency room and they told me the bleeding was normal and that it was the placenta attaching to the uterus. After a couple days the bleeding stopped, and I resumed normal activity.
Throughout the majority of my pregnancy, I was under a lot of stress. The "father" or my child was a very unbearable person to be with. It seemed that I never had a chance to enjoy being pregnant because of all the fighting. He was very controlling, jealous, verbally abusive, and an alcoholic. I should have broke it off sooner, but I felt I should try to make things work because I was pregnant. By my 4th month I could not take it anymore and I feared for my childs safety and happiness. So I left the "father" and proceeded to do things on my own.
I finally felt that I could enjoy my pregnancy, but then I recieved more bad news. I went for my first ultrasound when I was 21 weeks. I found out I was having a girl, but I also found out I have an incompetent cervix. In most cases doctors like to do a cerclage between 12-16 wks, but they caught my problem late. However, I was still eligible for the cerclage because I was only 3 cm dialated. My doctor did an emergency cerclage and I was placed on strict bedrest.
Now I was put under even more stress worrying whether or not the stitches were going to hold long enough and my baby would be okay. The cerclage held for 3 weeks and then I went into preterm labor. I was rushed to Childrens Hospital, where I delivered my beautiful daughter. She was rushed to the NICU where she was placed on a respirator, and numerous monitors. Born September 19, 2003 at 1 pound, 9 ounces and 12 inches long, she was a fighter. I gave her the Name Ava Jeanette.
Ava always amazed the doctors because she always wanted to do things her own way and faught so hard to do it all on her own. It seemed that everyday she got better and it gave me more hope that she was going to make it. Then two weeks to the day she was born, an infection hit her really hard. Because she was so premature, she could not fight it. The doctors had her on maximum support, when before she hardly needed any. Throughout the day she got worse. The medical team did not know what the infection was or where it was coming from. They assumed it was her stomach because her stomach had gotten round and swollen. They did all that they could, but nothing was working. Ava's doctor tried the very last thing, which didn't work, so I finally said "Enough". I could not watch her suffer anymore, so I had to make the decision to take her off the supports and let her go. On October 3, 2003, Ava Jeanette recieved her wings.
After the priest came to bless her, and the doctors took her off life support, I finally got to hold my precious angel for the first time. She was so beautiful. When she was born I thought God had answered me as to why all the bad things had happened to me. Ava had become my life and for the first time in my life I got to feel what true happiness was. And for the first time I experienced true love. Then she died, and I again asked God why this was happening to me again. Why did God take my precious baby?
The days past until her memorial and my emotions were in a whirl. My anger started to settle and I began believing that my daughter was just too perfect so God needed her back. She became my angel and believe she is watching over me now. I believe she will bring me even more happiness from above.
Even though this all happened so recently, I am doing okay. When I miss her a lot, I pray to her and talk to her throughout the day, and sometimes she visits me in my dreams.
During her stay on Earth, I learned a lot. Especially how you life can change in just minutes, so you need to do all you can with the time you have. I recieved my calling after my daughter passed. So in January I am going back to school to persue nursing as I had planned before I was pregnant. I am going to specialize in infant care and would like to someday work at Childrens Hospital in the NICU. I know my daughter will guide me through it and help me become an excellent caregiver.
The only motherly advice I have for others out there is to treasure every second of life and treasure it with the ones you love the most. Try not to dwell on the time you didn't get, but the time you had. The best two weeks of my life were with my daughter, and I will treasure that time forever.
I pray for those who have lost their children just as I have, but life must go on. Let our little angels guide us to peace of mind.
God Bless,
Jessica Nowik, WI |
