| Constance Efer of Saratoga, New York, sent the following e-mail to SPINBUSTER Foundation headquarters last week. �Dear Foozels [sic]. Cool site, it rules. But I don�t understand what Foozelers [sic, sic godammit!!] actually are, or do. I mean, do they have jobs? Or what? Thank you and keep up the good work. Constance Efer.� Your inquiry, Constance, was referred to our Regional Office in Eagle Pass, Texas. Hector Bato, our Bureau Chief there, wears a tenth-dan black belt � and sometimes damn little else � in his ceremonial capacities as Bull Goose Foozler for the Southwest District. The locals know Hector by the name of �El Supremo,� with which he relentlessly refers to himself. Hector was hunted down and lodged in the Betty Ford Clinic for nine weeks. After undergoing Anger Management and Multiple Withdrawal Therapy, he was counselled and set before a desk with a dulled pencil and paper. His comments follow. Dear Constance: Thank you for your interest in the Foundation, and in the geneology of the Foozle. They promised my pills back if I wrote you. Do Foozlers have jobs? The satire in your jest is delicious. Thanks so much. It cheered me. Symbols equivalent to the status of Foozler have been unearthed on cuneiform at Erech and Ur in ancient Sumer. �Foozle� enters the lexicon as a verb through the Latin root fusaeum (v., inf.,nom.), which translates variously as �to bumble,� �to butcher,� or �signifies an inert state.� In the vernacular of first and second century C.E. Rome, especially in the court circles of Augustus and Livia, it meant something like �you fuckup you.� The Greek suffix �er� was appended in the early Middle Ages as nominative, in the sentiment of attaching horns to the town cuckhold, or stocks to the village scapegoat. One of our Order thus became, literally, �wearer of the fusaeum.� Societies and Orders of Foozlers have been traced to pre-Dynastic Egypt. Persecuted by secular and ecclesiastic authorities throughout history, the Foundation is ever forced underground, and indeed its status today is liminal where not expressly proscribed. In modern linguistics, of course, classicism gives way to common usage, and the numinosity of the fusaeum eroded into today�s �Foozle,� which we capitalize in a pitiful clutch at grandeur lost. Thus, Constance, a Foozler might be said to be the ancestor of the antediluvian alchemy of the hoary fusaeum -- the Foozle -- which was already ancient when the Hebrew Tribes were chasing goats and getting hip to numbers. He, she or it � for the Foozler transcends all dualities, especially gender � is that being, or mechanism, operating in conjuction with Juju, which restores cosmic harmony, especially if a good old-fashioned stomping is warranted. The Foozler uploads the cultural and planetary dungpile, wrestles the crapola to its knees, and returns it to the universe transformed into � galaxies? gold? � well, actually no, it�s still just a stinkload. But the Foozler blames this on the kitty. The Foozler is not a hero, not a shaman, not an elite, but instead a lowly servant of Larger Powers, footman at the hem of the Great. The Foozler receives no recognition nor reward, but operates incognito, hidden in the shadows, in the interstices, in � fog� wait, uh � only a quark in some sad gnat�s sphincter cell � a pawn � bllrrggg� oh geezus YES, YES! we�re goddam HOPPING SHAMANS, all right?! Get the FUCK BACK!! We�re wooly-bulled snakesnatchers, Wotan�s berserkies, peelin the candy coating offa evil, an WE�LL CRACK YA with the mojo rod if yas gets snarly. Whoops. Par-don. Alternately, Constance: let Nietzche�s hibernators snxxx away, let the regents of the West tremble, let the righteous caper, for the Foozler is loose, bearing the blade that cuts, heals, and picks a mean lock. �Profit not from the misery of creation,� quoth the Foozler, standing ready if pestered to set the Flaming Lizard Lords on each and every sorry ass. The Foozler throws the knucklebones, and if unrighteousness is your shadow, your next forty incarnations incandesce: you are a Dung Beetle on a dungless world. |
| SPINBUSTERS |
| WhupStick Victim O' the Week: |
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| Part one of two |
| Deep Thoughts A' Thinkin': The Foozle |