nonsense

you dont have to read this nonsense
09-11-03 12:20 AM

What am I doing online?
It is almost midnight and still i sit here. I have no real purpose for being here. I am not researching or involved in some interesting game. I am not even chatting to the people whose messages ring out from my speakers. I dont know why i stay logged into my messenger this late. It is the Freak Hour.
My buddy list is embarassingly large, and yet only 3 names from that list are welcome visions on my screen. The others might have been important to me at some point - but probably not. Now their words - usually banal rantings or silly flirtation - irritate me. I make idle attempts to listen to their dramas of the day, but i find my mind wandering to more interesting things - like the stapler on my desk.
I dont even know why i am trying to write a journal entry right now. My eyes hurt from staring at this monitor all day, time broken up only to eat a meal and finish a painting.
I find that when i come here, i have an idea of exactly what i want to say, but by the time i get here (damn it takes a long time to load this site), the words have all been scrambled around and i grasp for them like a child who has accidentally released a balloon.
So many thoughts and emotions fighting to get freed, but their meanings are lost behind the veil of my cigarette smoke.

LOL - just received a private message from someone i used to talk occasionally - and casually - online with. He asked me to marry him. These people cannot be real. Of course, i can see why he would want to marry me - i am a great catch after all. Come on - newly single, unemployed, pushing 30, out of shape and living in my mothers house. The woman of every mans dream. I just need to get a taste for crack cocaine and have a few children with unknown fathers and they will be lining up at the door!

This entry is going to have record-low readership. LOL. Not only is it late, but i will not be including any pictures. I do appreciate the compliments and all, but the pictures are not there to solicit validation of my appearance. To me, they are just more of my art. That is not what i look like.

That is not who i am.

This is who i am.

I am scattered - my mind will run off on wild chases of random thoughts at any time. I dream of big things, but am content and happy with the simple pleasures. I am a huge procrastinator. I am a perfectionist (in some areas). I am not domestically inclined. I am always willing to live - to find the answer to "what if...". I will be trepidatious if the ground i am setting foot on is completely unknown. I like to think i am balanced between fantasy and reality. My logical mind is as strong as my creative mind. I have a genius IQ, but that means little. I have all kinds of useless facts in my head - and the lyrics to most Warrant songs from the 80s (brains dont come with a delete button). I make a pretty damn good NTN trivia partner. I love martinis and gin &tonic with lime. I like going out dancing - but remind me to not wear my black heels cuz they hurt. I love animals, and miss my cats terribly. I have zero tolerance for ignorance. I love wearing amber and silver jewellery. My computer is crap but i love it anyway. My favourite colour is orange. I drink Diet Pepsi and iced tea in shameful amounts. I am Saggitarius. I like getting my tea leaves read, but i dont take it seriously. I really REALLY hate my thighs and butt. I have never really been in love. I offer trust freely - but if that trust is betrayed, it will never again be offered. I love learning new things - anything at all. I want to learn more about sports, but not seem girly or flirty in asking questions, so i avoid it. I tend to ramble on when im tired (much like now). I am really bitchy in the morning. I chainsmoke DuMaurier Edition king size cigarettes when online.

In fact, I am going to smoke one now and go to bed.

Really - you could have stopped reading my nonsense long ago - i would not have minded;)