Still the Boy Who Lived: A Traitor’s Tale

by tir-synni

A/N: The requested prequel to ‘Still the Boy Who Lived.’ A good deal of rambling, but it’s first person, and it fits the narrator’s state of mind. I’m not sure how much sense it makes without reading the other one. It’s short and sweet. As always, please review.

            I can still hear his screaming. His tiny hands gripped the chains encircling his wrists, holding them so hard that blood smeared the cold metal before he started screaming. I stood at my master’s side all the while. I watched silently as my best friend’s son was tortured before my eyes. My master utterly ignored me, so I had all the freedom in the world to watch him. The moment he recovered his breath, he weakly hauled himself up on the chains and glared at my lord.

            His eyes . . . Did Lily glare at the dark lord so when she realized her fate? Lily was a fighter...James was a fighter.

            So is their son.

            Sometimes, he would look at me. Lily’s eyes would stare at me, hot with anger and accusations...and dark with pain. The pain never went away. The magic that bound me to him throbbed in time with his suffering.

            Even when my lord leads me away, giving his new “pet” time to recover from his latest bout of pain, his screaming still echoes in my mind. His blood stains my hands. The smile on my lord’s face had been rapturous when they had cut his face.

            I think...I think I know why. But I dare not tell. I dare not say it even to myself.

            Sirius was right. I am a coward.

            I wasn’t there that night, when James and Lily died. I’ve imagined it countless times over the years. Sleeping on Ron’s bed, I dreamed of their faces twisting in pain, betrayal in their eyes as they knew their true murderer. Now, looking at Harry, I can see James’ face twisting in agony. I can see Lily’s eyes burning into my own. This is far worse than their deaths. They died in one night. Harry has been here for almost a month.

            I can still remember the haunted look in Sirius and Remus’s eyes from the Shrieking Shack. It was like they freshly felt their best friends’ deaths, even after all these years. Ron and Hermione...they remind me of them. The three of them...they were as close as we were...as we used to be.

            Harry....

            I lay now, in my bed. All I can see is the blood trailing down Harry’s cheek, the tears burning in his eyes, of both shame and pain. I can hear his screams, the echo of my dead friends trailing through the night. He refuses to break, stronger than me....

            James...Lily....

            Prongs...Fire Lily....

            I should have been stronger. I could have made a good Secret Keeper, but you were too late. Or maybe I was just too slow. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

            I can still hear him screaming....

            I sit up gasping, sweat streaming down my face. No! I won’t let it happen again, I won’t! I couldn’t save you, I couldn’t save you, but I’ll save him. Don’t worry, I’ll save him. Maybe, someday, you’ll forgive me for my sins. Maybe then, I’ll forgive myself, too.

            Don’t worry, Harry, I’ll save you. Don’t worry, don’t worry. The screaming will stop, I promise.

~~~~~

            You’re so still. I cleaned the blood off your cheek. It had dried, but I found a creek. It’s right by our little cave. You can wake up now, it’s safe. I doubt anyone knows you’re missing yet. We’ll hide in this cave for now, and towards sunrise, I’ll take you to Hogwarts’ gates. I know it’s not safe to apparate with another person, but this is an emergency, isn’t it? I have to leave you there, but don’t worry. Someone will find you quickly.

            You’re so pale...I shouldn’t have waited that long. But you’ll still be okay, won’t you? Wake up and glare at me. Come on, I deserve it. Open your eyes now. Just a couple of hours ago, you were awake and spitting at my lord. Open your eyes now and show me you’re all right. Please...show me I wasn’t too late...again....

            Oh! You’re probably just resting, aren’t you! That’s all right. Shush, James, shush, Lily. I’m taking care of him now. His back...looks bad. Just lay on your stomach, okay? I’m not sure how comfortably it is, but you’ve endured worse. Would you like me to tell you a story? That’ll help you sleep. That way you won’t notice your back. Here, I’ll clean it for you....

            My lord...he will be so angry with me, if he found out. I hope he doesn’t find out. Sirius doesn’t realize...how my lord gets when he is angry....I’m stuck now, aren’t I? If my lord finds out, I am dead. I will have nowhere else to go. If I flee, Sirius and Remus will find me. I’m doomed, but...you won’t haunt me. You’ll be quiet. And maybe, maybe...James and Lily will be quiet, too.

            Shhhh...I know it hurts. I’ll help you, don’t worry. Shhhh....Soon, you’ll be back at Hogwarts, and you’ll be in the Hospital Wing under Madame Pomfrey. I remember, when I was with Ron, that you ended up there a lot. Do you call her Poppy? Sirius always did. He was such a flirt...before Azkaban. Is he still?

            Calm down, calm down! Please, be all right. I know you’ve been through a lot. I know it hurts, and I know you’re scared. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of you. Soon, you’ll be back with Sirius again. He loves you a lot, you know that, right? He pampered you so much when you were a baby. Fire Lily almost killed him when he gave you a broom for your first birthday. Even then, you loved to fly.

            Fly, little angel, fly....

~~~~~

            Hogwarts. I have a lot of memories from this place. Has Sirius told you about the Marauders, yet? The Weasley Twins can’t touch us....

            The gates...I have to leave you here, little Harry. I can’t be caught. It would be...bad...if I got caught. I’m too afraid...I’m so afraid....If I turned myself in, my lord will try to kill me, not to mention Sirius and Remus. I’m such a coward. If I turned myself in, maybe you could live with Sirius...but I’m too afraid. This is the best I can do for you. Don’t worry, little Harry. Dumbledore will take good care of you.

            Here, I’ll leave you with this note. I’m so sorry.

            Good-bye, little Harry.

~~~~~

            “You wanted to see us, Albus?” Remus Lupin asked politely, not blinking when the large black dog beside him transformed into a human.

            Sirius Black simply stared impatiently at the Headmaster impatiently. His godson was lying unconscious in the Hospital Wing, and he wanted to be with him. He ignored the fact that this was one of the few times he had been separated from Harry since his return. He wanted to be with him, to protect him.

            Dumbledore’s eyes were softer than they had ever seen them before. “I thought you would like to see this,” he replied softly, handing them a piece of paper.

            Remus took it silently, his eyes dark with confusion. He understood immediately when he saw the handwriting. “Peter,” he whispered.

            Beside him, Sirius went white, reading the note. Hastily, he looked away, and Remus gently put a hand on his shoulder. Dumbledore looked away to give them a moment.

            I’m sorry that I couldn’t be quicker. And I’m sorry that I’m such a coward. Please forgive me.