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CHAPTER 12
Nigel stared out at the rain falling past his apartment window and traced one of the droplets with his finger as it slid down the glass. It had been two days since their return from London , two days that seemed endlessly long due to the thoughts swirling around in his mind. When he woke in that horrible suite in London , the following morning after their argument, he could remember nothing of what happened after midnight. He had wandered the streets for an hour or more, trying to figure things out, then he’d found a pub and proceeded to order one pint after another. He couldn’t remember how he got back to the hotel or what happened after that. He only knew that when he woke up in the bed, he was still wearing some of his clothes and Sydney was already up and dressed. She hadn’t been angry with him, the exact opposite really. She’d offered him a couple of aspirin and a glass of water, then told him he had exactly fifteen minutes to shower, dress and pack before they had to catch a cab to Heathrow for their flight home. He did as he was told and they made their flight in plenty of time to spare. Sydney did not seem to be in the mood to talk, and slept for most of the flight, he hadn’t the courage to bother her with questions about the night before. They followed up with Karen at the office, and then, as it was officially the weekend, they went their separate ways. Sydney drove off in her jeep and Nigel, too tired to bother with his bike, took a cab back to his apartment. He’d unpacked, ordered some food in, checked his email and then went to bed. He woke up Saturday morning, after a long night of tossing and turning, to stormy, dismal weather that reflected his own general feelings. He’d had his breakfast and tried to read, but couldn’t concentrate. He felt as restless as a rat in a cage, but there was no where for him to go and no one really for him to call. Only Sydney, and he couldn’t call her or go see her right now. At the office Sydney had appeared to be her usual self, listening to Karen’s list of those, people who believed they had maps to the next find of the century, tossing about orders and taking charge of what needed to be done, and laughing with Karen over some joke or another. Something had changed though and it seemed Nigel was the only person who noticed it. It wasn’t a drastic change, just a slight one, but it was there and he could feel it. Sydney had shut part of herself off to him. He’d felt it on the plane ride home. Any other time she would share that part of her, especially on a long trip, that part that was deeply personal, where she would discuss being lonely, or whom she was thinking of dating. Although Nigel was not always thrilled to hear this section of her life, he found himself missing it now and it hurt more than he thought possible that she felt she had to keep it from him. She hadn’t flirted on the plane or in the office, hadn’t teased him, or made a comment about his clothes. She hadn’t even smiled at him, not once, on the entire trip home or when they were saying goodbye at the office. He didn’t realize how much he liked seeing that endearing, what-am-I-gonna-do-with-you smile she often tossed him, until he had gone an entire day without seeing it. He was terrified that he had ruined things between them by reacting so badly to her scheme in London . He didn’t know what to do or how to fix it. He had been confused by her change of heart in London , even more perplexed that she was even considering having an affair or a fling or whatever it had been that she had been trying to offer, with him. She’d been so adamant about keeping things between them friendly and not romantic. Sure they flirted and there was occasionally some sexual tension brought on by mutual attraction or circumstance, but he never allowed himself to believe it could be more than that, because Sydney always seemed sure it never would be. She’d always shut down even the slightest idea of it. He didn’t know if she just wanted someone to fool around with, because she was lonely and she was tired of denying their attraction, or if her feelings went deeper. He was too afraid to ask and too curious not to. He sighed. Regardless of what had changed or what hadn’t, he had been unforgivably cruel to her. Said things he never should of said and he needed to make up for that. He just wasn’t sure how she would receive him now. If he tried to apologize it would bring up what happened, and then he would have to ask why it happened and she would get angry and he would get upset and they’d argue again. Or worse, she wouldn’t bring it up and she’d continue to act like nothing had happened and he’d feel the fool again. But what if her feelings had changed towards him and his hesitation had hurt her enough that she was afraid to try and show him again? What if he’d completely blown any chance he might have of showing her how he really felt? He was startled by a chime from his laptop that announced someone was initiating a chat. He frowned and walked over to his desk. There were barely a handful of people who were in his contact list, most of them in London and it was far to0 early there for them to be online. He settled down at his desk where his laptop was plugged into the wall and opened the window. ‘You there?’ He smiled at the user’s name and started typing a reply. ‘I’m here’ ‘I got your email.’ ‘Did you read it?’ “No, I printed it and made a papier-mâché doll. Of course I read it!’ “No need to get hostile.’ ‘There’s always a need. So, how are you doing?’ ‘At the moment, regretting I sent you that email.’ ‘Ha, ha, very funny. I’m not regretting it.’ ‘You never regret anything. I wrote it in a moment of weakness. I apologize if it was somewhat confusing. It appears I babble even in when I write.’ ‘I’m used to it.’ ‘Ha Ha back.’ ‘Have you talked to her yet?’ ‘Define talk.’ Nigel could almost envision the person on the other line sighing in frustration. ‘Well, I think it’s great and about time, too.’ ‘You can’t be serious.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘You didn’t read the email. I explained what happened.’ “Yeah, so?’ “Don’t you find it bizarre in the least that she would conceive of planning such a thing?’ ‘What if she had done her usual thing and grabbed you and planted a big wet kiss on ya?’ ‘She would never do that.’ Nigel’s fingers paused over the keyboard as he considered the few times that Sydney had actually kissed him. He shook his head. That was diversionary purposes. There was nothing romantic about it. ‘You’re missing the point entirely.’ ‘Maybe she was trying to be subtle. She was trying not to scare you.’ ‘Why?’ ‘You’re as skittish as a fourteen year old trying to buy condoms for the first time.’ ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ ‘It means you get flustered whenever a woman shows the least bit of interest in you.’ Nigel scowled and typed. “I do not!’ ‘Yes, you do.’ ‘I do not!’ ‘Do too!’ Nigel knew this would go on for hours if he let it, because they were both equally stubborn. “I’m hardly a novice with women, for heaven’s sake! The only time I get a little nervous is when they’re so much bigger than me.’ “Everyone’s bigger than you. You’re practically a hobbit. LOL!’ ‘Better to be a hobbit than a prat.’ ‘One of these days I’m gonna learn what that means and boy will you be in trouble.’ Nigel smiled for the first time all day. ‘It would involve reading something other than a cereal carton, I’m not overly concerned.’ ‘That was another insult, wasn’t it?’ “Perhaps.’ ‘Did you just contact me to insult me?’ ‘You initiated the chat, remember? Insulting you is just a bonus.’ Again he could envision his friend caught between outrage and amusement. He knew which one would win. ‘Since you’re obviously screwed up over this whole thing, I’ll let it slide this time.’ ‘I most certainly am not screwed up.’ Nigel typed indignantly. ‘Then what were we talking about big women?’ “There is a difference between them and a normal woman.’ ‘ Normal , like me?’ “You’re hardly normal. I mean, Karen, for instance.’ ‘Oh, her.’ “Someone like Karen doesn’t bother me, but when a woman is over a foot taller and built like an Amazon, well yes I feel slightly inadequate.’ ‘Why? You’ve got a great body.’ Nigel flushed, pleased. ‘You’re missing the point.’ ‘The point is that Syd is not an Amazon.’ ‘Well, she fights like one, but no, that isn’t the point either. She is my friend and my employer.’ “So, you’re not nervous around her?’ ‘Not usually.’ ‘Then what’s the problem????’ Nigel sighed. ‘The problem is I am asking an absolute twit for advice. That is the problem.’ ‘You love me and you know it.’ Nigel carefully removed his fingers from the keyboard and held them under his armpits, as a slow smile creased his face. ‘There’s a very simple solution.’ The other user wrote, ignoring Nigel’s lack of response. Nigel leaned forward again. “Really? What would that be oh wise keeper of female secrets?’ ‘Tell Syd you’re in love with her.’ Nigel stared at the last words and almost fell off his chair. ‘Hello?’ Nigel still couldn’t force his fingers to work. “Did you faint or something?’ Nigel slowly started typing. ‘Why would I do that?’ “Faint?’ ‘No…the other thing.’ ‘It would end all this other silliness and make both of you guys happy.’ ‘I can’t do that.’ ‘Sure you can. Just walk up, say Syd, I love you, and kiss her.’ ‘You are not listening to me.’ Nigel typed frustrated. “Sure I am.’ ‘No, you are not.’ ‘I am.’ ‘No, you are not!’ ‘She loves you.’ Even on the screen the words tore through Nigel like an electric rush. ‘If you’re not going to talk to me I can go somewhere else you know.’ Nigel’s hands shook as he started typing. “Why, because she tried to arrange a weekend tryst?’ ‘No, because she went to the trouble of arranging a nice romantic suite with plenty of comfort and ambiance to help ease you into the mood. She could have just grabbed you and thrown you on the bed. I doubt you would have put up that much of a fight.’ Nigel paused and reread the words twice. ‘Do you really believe that? You really think she feels that way? About me?” “Oh please! You guys have been in love for years, you just refused to see what anyone else could.’ ‘Anyone else?’ “EVERYONE else.’ Nigel felt his heartbeat quicken and he released an unsteady breath. ‘You’re not as dumb as your hair suggests.’ ‘Thanks, I’ve recently changed the colour.’ ‘So, you think I should try and talk to her?” ‘The time for talk is over. I think you should march over to her house, tell her you love her, then pick her up and carry her to the bedroom.’ ‘You’ve been reading those historical romance novels again, haven’t you?’ ‘They’re good!’ ‘They’re trash.’ ‘They’re good trash! : ) You should read one yourself sometime.’ “I think not.’ “Hang on. BRB.’ Nigel took the time to rise and pace his small apartment. Could it be true? Could Sydney really love him? How could it be true? He wasn’t anywhere near her type. He thought about the weekend of his reunion, the things Sydney had said to him. Her unwavering understanding and support. Pretending to be his fiancé in front of his old school mates. And when she’d had that nightmare about him, he’d comforted her and made her laugh. Oh, Nigel. I love that you’re you. His screen chimed again and he returned to the desk. ‘I’m back but I have to go. I have someone on the phone. Will you be okay?’ “Yes. Go talk to your friend.’ ‘Okay. Let me know what happens.’ Nigel smiled. ‘You’ll be the first to hear about the massacre I’m sure.’ ‘It won’t be like that. Come see me on your next trip here.’ Whether there was a next trip planned or not he intended to accept that invitation. ‘I promise.’ He paused, and then grinned. ‘I find I miss you on occasion, like one might miss a sore tooth that caused them previous aggravation.’ “Aw, that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me, honeybun!’ Nigel laughed and it released the remainder of his tension. “I’ll see you soon, Claudia.’ ‘Love ya.’ ‘Likewise.’ He signed off and sat back in his chair.
IIIIIIIIII
Sydney waited for Claudia to return to the phone and popped a potato chip into her mouth. She was in full depression mode and had stopped at the market on the way home to stock up on snack food. Unable to ease her hurt with comfort food or old movies, she turned to the next available thing, calling a friend. Normally when she was feeling down she’d call Nigel, but she wasn’t at all sure he would want to hear from her. He’d been so quiet on the trip home and hadn’t asked about the night before. She knew he must be feeling embarrassed so she let him sulk and pretended to sleep for most of the trip. When they got to the office she checked her messages with Karen and tried to appear as if nothing had happened. She’d promised herself to make things normal again for Nigel. She never wanted to see him so confused and hurt as he was when he returned from the bar. He wasn’t a drinker and she had hurt him enough that he felt the need to get very, very drunk. She wouldn’t do that again. “I’m back, Syd!” Claudia greeted cheerfully, startling Sydney out of her thoughts. “Did I interrupt something, Claudia?” “Nah, I was just talking to someone on line.” “You can’t type and talk at the same time?” “Like, no way! I am totally not that coordinated.” Sydney smirked, already feeling better. “You didn’t do too badly when you worked for me.” “Yeah, but you gave me a lot of slack then. Here they don’t allow slack, I’ve learned my limitations. Sydney almost missed the airhead that Claudia used to be. The young woman had matured during her time in Paris , though she still acted ditzy at times. “So, how’s life in the City of Love ?” “ Philadelphia ?” “That’s the city of brotherly love.” “Oh, well why do they have to have two cities with the same nick names. Seems kinda stupid.” Sydney grinned. “So, what’s up, boss?” “You don’t work for me anymore, Claudia. I’m not you’re boss.” “You’ll always be the boss, Syd. Now, what’s up? I haven’t heard from you in forever.” “I called you last month.” “That’s forever!” Sydney set her chips aside and stretched out on her sofa. “I don’t know. Just felt like hearing a friendly voice, I guess.” “Why didn’t you call Nigel? He’s friendly.” Sydney felt a slight pain pierce her heart. “I didn’t want to bother him. We’ve just finished a very long and busy week. He’s probably sleeping.” “It’s only, like, three pm your time.” “Well, he could be taking a nap.” “Sure, now what’s the real reason?” Sydney groaned and tossed her arm over her eyes. “Oh, God, Claudia. I screwed up big time.” “It happens, even to you. So, what did you do?” “I tried to seduce Nigel.” Claudia grinned on her end of the phone. While she already knew the situation, she would never betray one friend by confessing the secrets of another. Even if it would settle the matter between Sydney and Nigel, it wasn’t her place. It was hard being caught in the middle sometimes. “How was it?” she asked, pretending ignorance. “Awful! He was so hurt and confused. I completely shocked him and then…” Sydney winced when she thought of it. “Then?” Claudia prompted. “Then he went out and got completely wasted.” Claudia frowned. Nigel had left that part out of his email. “Well, Nigel’s been drunk before, Syd….” “No, Claudia. Not like this. Before it was because he couldn’t hold his liquor. This was different. This time he meant to get drunk, he was trying to drown his sorrows and I pushed him to do that.” “I’m sure he doesn’t blame you for anything, Syd.” “No? I’m not so sure. He said some things when he got back to the hotel, when he was drunk. He was so confused, so hurt. Oh Christ! I’ve made such a royal mess of things.” “Well, why did you then?” Sydney lifted her arm off her eyes, startled. “What?” “Well, come on, Syd. You were always after me to clean up any messes I made, isn’t it time for you to do the same?” “Claudia, you’re missing the point.” Claudia’s lips thinned. That was the second time today she had heard that, did they really think she was stupid? “No, I have the point,” she charged, deciding to just put everything on the table. Sydney and Nigel would go around forever if someone didn’t step in to stop the spinning. They were so much alike it was scary. “Are you in love with him or not?” It took Sydney a few moments to respond to the directness of the question. “Yes. Yes, I am.” “So, tell him. Why complicate it? Just tell him.” “I tried and it went totally wrong.” “You tried to seduce him, not tell him you love him,” Claudia reasoned. “No, that wasn’t it, I…” Sydney paused and she sat up her eyes narrowing. She hadn’t told Claudia the circumstances of what happened in London . “Why would you say that?” “Well, come on, renting the honeymoon suite in a swanky hotel, wearing a barely there gown and strutting about in a towel. It doesn’t take a genius to figure what you were trying to do.” Sydney’s feet dropped to the floor as she stood up, her entire body tensed in concern. “How do you know about the suite and what I wore?” Claudia quickly back-pedalled sometimes her mouth ran away with her before the brain could catch up. “Um…you told me.” “No I didn’t.” Sydney started to pace, anxiously. “Who were you chatting to online before I called, Claudia?” “Uh…ah…a friend. Just…just a friend.” “You were chatting with Nigel, weren’t you?” Sydney demanded as she dropped back on the sofa and curled her legs under her. “Did he tell you what happened?” If Nigel had broken his code of chivalry and divulged the details to Claudia he surely was in worse shape than she thought. “Did he tell you how he felt? Is he still angry with me?” “Syd, come on! I can’t, like, tell you anything about what we talked about. It was totally private!” “You have to! I have to know what he said, Claudia!” Sydney bolted up from the sofa and started to pace again. She realized that she was putting her friend on the spot but this was too important. Nigel might never tell her how he was feeling and she didn’t want to go on forever wondering. “Does he understand why I did it? Did you tell him he should talk to me? Did you explain what I was trying to do?” “ Sydney , don’t…” “Claudia, please!” Sydney moved to her patio and pulled open the doors, allowing the wind and the sound of the rain inside, her own raging turbulence feeding off the storm itself. “If anyone could make him understand it would be you.” Claudia seemed to be the only one that could get through Nigel’s stubbornness about certain things, perhaps because she was just as bull-headed. She understood him far better than most and wasn’t put off by how sharp his tongue could be whenever someone got a little too close. She understood that trading barbs with a worthy opponent was a passion of his and his way of showing affection. Claudia would shoot back just as strong and their arguments were legendary for getting to the core of Nigel’s concerns. “Please,” Sydney pleaded. “Tell me you made him understand?” Claudia couldn’t stand the desperation in Sydney ’s voice, she’d never heard her former boss so scared and anxious, but she didn’t want to betray Nigel. “I…I think he understands more now,” she offered, kindly. “I think talking helped him work some things out, but he’s…well, you know Nigel doesn’t talk about his feelings, not really. I think he’s still working on it.” “He hates me,” Sydney said dully and closed her eyes to listen to the rushing droplets of water pounding across her brick patio like a thundering tribe of war drums. A familiar beat that now mimicked her own heartbeat. “He doesn’t hate you, Syd!” Claudia insisted, quickly. “Nigel could never hate you, not ever.” She bit her lip and stared at the headless mannequins that occupied her Paris flat, draped with various forms of colourful fabric that she had been working on, her design book opened on the drafting table to her latest creation. She hadn’t told her friends that she was trying to become a designer. She wanted to tell them only once she made it to her first Paris runway show. She intended her very first dress for that show to be worn by Sydney Fox, the woman that had always believed in her, despite all her flighty faults. Now, the women she respected most in the world was hurting and desperate and she didn’t know what to do to make it better. Her two best friends were in turmoil and she wasn’t equipped to help. She didn’t have Sydney patience and insight, or Nigel’s compassion and intelligence. She was just a blond bimbo whose passion for shopping and clothes landed her a dream job in Paris . “I don’t know what to do,” Sydney admitted, defeated. “Claudia, for the first time in my life, I don’t know how to fix something, how I should feel.” “How do you feel, Syd?” Claudia asked, gently. “I feel…” Sydney hesitated as she struggled to put her thoughts into words. She saw lightening streak across the sky and it reminded her of the jolt she always felt whenever she touched Nigel. She heard thunder rolling in the distance and watched the grey clouds above increase their rolling motion across the sky, as if trying to outrun the threat of danger, yet lingering to see what it might bring. So much like Nigel; in a place where they didn’t want to be, but unable to get out of the line of fire, due to an insatiable curiosity. She stepped out onto her patio, beyond the awing that covered her door and let her bare feet hit the cold, wet bricks. She stared up at the rain, became drenched within its folds, then dropped to her knees a she realized the cold and the wet barely touched her. She was beyond feeling it, beyond knowing it, without Nigel. “Oh God, I love him so much,” she finally whispered into the phone. Claudia blinked rapidly at the tears that stung her eyes at Sydney ’s heartbreaking confession. “Oh, Syd,” she croaked. Why couldn’t the two of them just see what they had together and get it over with? “Tell him.” “It will hurt him.” “It’s hurting you.” “I can deal with it.” “I don’t think you can.” The two women fell silent. Claudia wiping at her tears as she traced the folds of satin that was spread across her desk. Sydney kneeling in the rain, her tears mixing with the rain, wretched and wet.
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