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TITLE: Something Lost, Something Found. By : Aryea CHAPTER 14 Nigel did not bother turning on the light, what was the point? He’d spent so much time in here now that he had the furniture memorized so he walked across the room to the balcony doors, one of the main features that sold him on the apartment, and pushed them open, letting the afternoon air in, and leaned against the railing, reveling at the feel the warm sun on his face. He wondered if it would be a full moon tonight, he couldn’t remember what day of the cycle it was, and he smiled a little, he was learning to forget things since he had met Sydney-thank God. Were there many clouds or was the sky brazenly blue? He could catch a hint of lilac in the air; summer was almost here. The sounds of the city could still be heard, but they were muted because the restored high-rise was just off the collage and not directly in the heart of downtown. Something furry touched him. He smiled and smoothed his hand over the neighbor’s cat; the feline was always hopping over from its own balcony to see Nigel when he was on his. “Hey there, cat,” he offered kindly; he had never learned the animal’s name. The cat rubbed his head against Nigel’s stomach, appreciatively. Nigel became sad again, at the idea that he might never see the colors on the gray and gold tabby again, either. He wasn’t usually prone to self-pity, but he just couldn’t seem to stop worrying that this was it for his career as a Relic Hunter; if it was over for him and Sydney, no more adventures. He’d had to leave jobs he liked before, but this...this was different. He didn’t know what he’d do without Sydney around to pat him on the back or toss him into sticky situations; he was just starting to discover the kind of person he really was and he liked the man that he’d become in just the last few years. Only Sydney seemed able to find his hidden talents and to bring out the best in him. He felt that tightness in his chest again, a sparkle of moisture around his eyes and he took a few deep breaths to push it back; such attacks were happening more and more often lately, especially when he thought of Sydney and what he stood to lose. He still wasn’t sleeping well; he’d drift off and was immediately pulled into a hellish nightmare with King Ramses’ as the spell caster. He’d startle awake, or think that he was awake, and sometimes there would be an incredibly beautiful woman hovering over him. Her skin was the color of sweetened chocolate, her hair black as the deepest desert night and her eyes…Her Egyptian painted eyes held him spellbound for an eternity. Then she would change, her flesh would start to melt away from her body, her eyes disappear into her sockets and she would reach for him. Nigel would scream and wake up for real, shivering and sweating in his bed and feeling so utterly wretched, such guilt and fear that he could hardly stand it. “Nigel?” Sydney’s voice startled him and he spun around, almost knocking cat off the railing. “Sydney!” “Sorry.” She stepped closer, and watched Nigel stiffen slightly and…inhale? Was he smelling her...her scent? She never noticed him doing that before. “Are you okay, Nigel?” “Fine.” Nigel turned away again, reached for cat, but the animal had returned to its own balcony. “You scared the cat away.” Sydney placed a hand on Nigel’s shoulder, surprised to feel him shy away from her. “Nigel, what’s going on? Talk to me, I thought we were friends?” “We are, Syd. I just…” He shrugged and folded his arms on the railing. “I’m not good company.” Sydney moved to stand beside him, their arms just barely touching. She nudged him with her shoulder. “Are you and Preston fighting again?” “No.” “Are you angry with me, or with Karen?” “No.” “Are you upset about your eyes?” Silence. “Nigel, the doctor says there is a very good chance that you’ll see when the bandages come off.” “But what if I don’t, Syd?” Nigel snapped his mouth shut. He hadn’t meant to voice his fear, especially in front of Sydney. “Nigel.” Nigel didn’t respond. Sydney reached under his chin and turned him towards her. “Nigel, look at me.” “I can’t.” Nigel pulled away, ashamed at the desperation in his voice. “You can,” Sydney insisted, a hint of British in her voice to match Nigel’s, playfully mocking him. It didn’t even get a smile out of him. “Nigel.” She caught his arms and turned him forcefully to face her. “Nigel, talk to me. Please.” “Do you…those people that…that had me. What if…what if they lied, Sydney?” “About what?” “My…my eyes? What if they lied to me about being able to see again-they lied about everything else.” Sydney rubbed her hands up and down his arms in support “I don’t know, Nigel. Your bandages come off Tuesday; we’ll see what your doctor says.” “What if he says I won’t get my sight back?” Sydney was silent, she didn’t have any answers and she didn’t want to give him false assurances. “We don’t know what he’ll say. We’ll have to wait and see.” “If I can’t see I can’t….If I never…” Nigel twisted away and groped for the rail, his head hanging in frustration. “If you never what, Nigel?” Never see you again, his heart cried. “If…if I can’t see I can’t…I can’t be your assistant, Sydney. I can’t…I can’t do anything!” Sydney placed a hand on his back. “No matter what the doctor says, you will still be my assistant, Nigel.” Nigel shook his head. “I’d be useless to you, Sydney! I can’t research if I can’t read-I…I can’t go with you on the hunts, I’d just be a burden, well, more of a burden than usual, anyway.” Sydney placed her hands on his shoulders, surprised to find him shaking. How long had he been carrying this fear, since Egypt? He’d never said a word. Nigel was acting like he was more afraid of them not working together than of losing his sight for good. “Nigel, I…don’t think like that. You have never been a burden, you’re my partner, and I need you. We’ll make it work, somehow. I promise.” It was her fault this had happened to him, her fault he followed her around the globe and she put him into dangerous situations. It had not been what he’d signed on for, but until now, she had never regretted hauling him all over creation and involving him in the hunts. “How?” His voice had lowered to barely a whisper. “God, Syd-I’ve never been so scared. All those times we’ve faced death, nothing…it’s nothing to this.” He tried to clear his throat, regain his control. “I can’t imagine doing anything else, Sydney, I…I can’t picture my life…” Without you in it, he wanted to say, but didn’t think it was appropriate. “Normal anymore. No hunts, no bad guys, no mystery, no maps, no…” No Sydney. Sydney nodded, relic hunting got in your blood and stayed there, Sydney knew it and she understood Nigel’s dilemma perfectly. She stepped behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, lowering her cheek to his shoulders. “It will be okay, Nigel,” she whispered. Please God let it be okay. “We’ve been up against harder things than this.” Nigel smirked. “I know, I just…” “You’re just scared and that’s okay. It’s okay to be scared, I…I’m scared too, Nigel, but we just have to hold onto each other and hope for the best.” “Yeah?” Sydney smiled as he turned in her arms. “Yeah.” He wrapped his arms around her and she returned the embrace. “Don’t let go, okay? “Never, ever.” Sydney promised. “Thank you,” Nigel whispered against her hair, his arms relaxed but stayed locked around her. “There’s something else, isn’t there?” Sydney pressed. “No.” “Nigel.” Nigel pulled away. “I…it isn’t anything really just…I…I can’t…I can’t really describe it.” He shook his head, he didn’t know what was wrong with him lately but he couldn’t help being much more honest that he preferred; such as he was earlier with Preston. He didn’t want to say some of the things that he did, but they had slipped out. “Syd, ever since I touched Ramses’ Tome, ever since I saw…those things I can’t…I’m not sleeping and I have this awful…just gut wrenching fear that…” He stopped talking. “That what, Nigel? What is it you’re afraid of? What did you see in that book?” “I…I can’t tell you what I saw, Syd. Not…not that I don’t want to I…I can’t describe it. I can’t put what I saw into words.” “Then tell me what you’re afraid of, Nigel.” “That I’m going to kill someone, Syd.” Sydney’s eyes widened. “What?” She smiled, thinking he was teasing. Nigel was the mildest mannered person she had ever met, the idea was preposterous. “Nigel, that’s silly. Why would you think that?” “I don’t know, but I can’t get it out of my mind. Ever since Egypt it’s been there, haunting me.” He reached for Sydney’s hands and she let him catch her. “I feel it, Syd. I feel the guilt from those other men…” “What other men, Nigel? Who are you talking about?” “The voodoo priest, Van Gelden, Brother Oswin...” Sydney shook her head. “Nigel!” She couldn’t believe he was still thinking about them. “The…the Voodoo guy doesn’t even count, he was kinda already dead and…” She paused, thinking about the rival Relic Hunter that Nigel had pushed over a balcony at a church, when they were trying to help Allan, who had been poisoned, to find the first Christian Cross. “Van Gelden wasn’t your fault, you were trying to save me, save us. He was going to kill us remember?” “That doesn’t make it right, Sydney!” “No, but you had to do it, Nigel. It was self-defense!” What about Brother Oswin? If I hadn’t written to him about my stupid theory of Sir. Gabriel, he would never have died either!” “Nigel, you didn’t kill him, the demon did.” “But it was my theory, my…my quest for that bloody sword that released the demon! He was a man of God, Sydney! And I got him killed!” Sydney scowled; since when did Nigel get religion? Granted, she didn’t like it when people died around them either, but you did what you had to for survival. “Nigel…Oswin was not a man of God, he’s stopped being one when he released that demon, and he knew what he was doing. It was nothing you did.” She stepped closer, wanting to comfort him and not sure how, he wasn’t talking like the Nigel she knew. “And those other men…Yes it’s sad that they died, but you didn’t murder them, Nigel. You acted in self defense, and my defense, and that is called sacrifice, not murder.” “I know that, I do and…I thought I’d justified it, gotten…past it, but now I…I feel horrible for all the people that we’ve left behind, those men in the temple, the relic hunters that we’ve wounded or left to die, Ian Worthington, the man who could be my twin.” He gripped his head and turned away from her. “My God, I never even gave him a second thought, really and then…then Cate came to me and asked me to impersonate him. And I did! I pretended to be a man that I knew was dead, without any respect for his memory! What kind of monster does that make me?” Sydney caught him by the shoulders. “Nigel! You’re not a monster! He would have killed us!” “None of them deserved to die, Sydney. None of them deserved to be hurt as they were.” “Nigel, we were fighting for our survival during those times, they would have done much worse to us. Don’t you remember, they had the guns?” Nigel shook his head, in obvious torment. “No! Syd. It wasn’t good and we had no right and now I’m going to kill someone again, and it’s scaring the hell out of me.” Sydney squeezed his hands. “Nigel, I will never let that happen.” “How could you stop it? I’ve killed so many times all ready that…that my hands are stained with their blood…I…” Sydney spun him around and gave him a hard shake, he was getting hysterical. “Nigel! There is no blood on your hands, or mine. What happened in the past is a tragedy, but you can’t blame yourself. Those people knew the risks, they would have killed us, and they are the murderers…” “They didn’t deserve to die!” “How do you know? How do you know that? We don’t know that, we only know that they wanted to kill us and they would have never given us a single thought afterwards.” “It’s not our place, Syd!” Nigel’s voice was becoming a desperate whisper, as he tried to make her understand. “Only God can decide who lives and who dies! We can’t…we have no right!” He was really scaring her now. “Okay, Nigel Okay. That’s true…hush. Calm down. I promise, Nigel. I promise you I won’t let it happen again. I promise, okay?” “How can you be sure?” Nigel asked his voice slightly calmer. “Hey, this is me, when have I ever let you down?” “Only once.” Sydney was startled; she had expected him to say never. “Once? When?” There, it happened again, the honesty thing. What was wrong with him? “Oh God!” He tore away from her gripped the railing. “I…it doesn’t matter, Syd.” “Yes it does. When have I let you down, Nigel? When have I not been there for you?” “I don’t want to fight over it for God’s sake. Just forget that I said that.” He was losing it, here in front of Sydney. He hadn’t meant to say all of that, hadn’t meant to let out all his fear like that. He forced himself to calm down, pulled all his fear and anger back inside. It wasn’t right to parade it in front of Sydney-she just didn’t understand. “You said it, explain it.” Nigel was silent. ‘I’m not leaving until you tell me what you meant, Nigel.” “When you went off with Preston, okay!” Nigel snapped. “When you left me at that conference and went off with my brother!” It was Sydney’s turn to be silent. She thought Nigel had gotten over that ages ago, but apparently it still bothered him. Apparently, several things still bothered him. “Okay, so I let you down once,” she admitted, rather than tell him to grow up and get over it. “But I promise I won’t do it again.” Nigel groaned and dropped his head into his hands. “I’m sorry, Syd. I didn’t mean to…I don’t know what’s wrong with me. You’ve never let me down, not really. I’m just being an idiot.” Sydney led him over to his bed and pushed him down, settling beside him. “Nige, maybe you should consider seeing someone about this?” Nigel bolted from the bed and gripped the headboard. “I’m not going crazy, Sydney. I…I’m just growing a conscience. You should try it some time.” “Hey!” “I’m sorry! God, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m saying. Please, Syd, just go. Go before I completely embarrass myself and say something you’ll never forgive me for.” Sydney rose and moved to touch his shoulder. He flinched away from her. “Please, Syd? Just go! I can’t…I want to be alone.” “Okay, Nigel.” She started to move away from him, toward the door. “But there would never be anything you could say that I wouldn’t forgive you for.” Nigel raised his head toward her. “Nothing?” “No, nothing.” Silence. Sydney opened the door. “Syd?” “Yes, Nigel?” “I…I’m tired, I…I think I’ll take a nap.” “Sounds like a good idea, Nigel.” “Syd?” “Yeah?” “Um…will you be here when I wake up?” Sydney smiled. “I’m not going anywhere.” Nigel settled back on the bed and nodded, as he heard the door close.
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