Summary: Quatre's Killer Turtles pretty much sums it up. Look out for the now infamous Lawnmower Ride, thanks to Ms. Sinic!
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or anything related or connected to it. I wrote this for fun. DON'T flame or sue me.
Rating: PG/ PG-13. Pretty safe for anyone under 13, but there is some cursing..... And bombs going off ...... And turtles blowing up and being chopped to little-itty-bitty-mini-chibi pieces....... (^-^)
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Quatre's Killer Turtles
By: Raye Firearrows

"Hey Quatre! Y'know, turtles are very nice pets!"

Quatre grinned at the new additions to his family. The five box turtles bobbed lazily up and down in the green-tinted water.
"So what are their names?" Trowa asked.
"Trowa, Heero, Duo, Quatre, and Wufei!" Quatre said happily.
Sweatdrops around the room. "Quatre ...."
"Everyone go home now! The turtles need their sleep!"
The other G-Boys left the mansion grumbling about replacement friends.
"G'night, guys! Sweet dreams!" Quatre called cheerfully as he flicked the lights off and headed upstairs to bed.
In the giant aquarium, the box turtles turned to one another, smirking in a most un-turtle-like way.

The next morning, as Quatre stumbled down the grand staircase in his Sailor Moon pjs, he almost tripped over the long rope that was stretched across the last step.
"What the......" Quatre bent down and tugged on the rope.
There was a whistling sound as a large and very ancient battle-axe swung down from the vaulted ceiling, missing Quatre's head by millimeters.
"AHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Quatre raced into the kitchen, screaming like a school-girl.
As he threw the door shut and bolted it behind him, he breathed a sigh of relief. He turned and froze.
Written on the kitchen floor in giant letters made of mayonnaise and ketchup were the words, DIE, QUATRE, DIE!!!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Quatre! Calm down! I can't understand you!" Trowa yelled into the phone's mouth-piece.
Quatre slowed down just enough for the other Gundam pilot to understand him. "....And then the axe fell down, and I ran into the kitchen, and written on the floor in big letter in ketchup and mayo were the words, DIE, QUATRE, DIE!!!"
Sweat drop on the other end of the phone. "Quatre, are you sure your turtles did all this?"
"Yes! There were little ketchup and mayo turtle tracks all over the kitchen!!!"
Trowa sighed. "I can't get away from Cathy or the circus right now, Quatre. I've got a performance in five minutes!"
Quatre whimpered.
"I'm sorry, Quatre." CLICK.
Quatre dejectedly hung up the phone and jumped as a floorboard creaked. He caught his breath and double-checked the lock. "Maybe Trowa's right. Maybe I am just being paranoid."
Quatre unlocked the door, twisted the knob and began to open the door. Just before the door swung all the way open, the phone rang and Quatre walked to the side wall to answer it.
KABOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!
Quatre stared calmly at the giant hole the rifle had created in the far wall.
RING!
Quatre just as calmly picked up the phone.
"Hello? Quatre?" Duo asked.
Quatre very calmly took a deep breath. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"Explain to us again as to why you reptured Duo's right eardrum and think that your box turtles are out to get you?" Trowa said. Quatre was sitting in the far corner of the room, wrapped in a yarn-knitted blanket, rocking back and forth with glazed eyes. Trowa and the others were currently looking down at him, for the terrified boy had pushed the couches, chairs, and tables around himself in a barricade. His friends had been forced to climb onto the top of the furniture barricade to talk to Quatre.
"The axe. The gun. The mayo. The turtles." Quatre rambled on deleriously.
"Why does he keep repeating that?" Wufei asked.
Duo shrugged. "WHAT'D YOU SAY?!?!"
Apparently, when Quatre had snapped over the phone, he had screamed loud enough to break Duo's right eardrum, so Duo was talking louder than ever.
"I think Quatre's one sandwhich short of a picnic." Heero remarked dryly. "Do you want me to call the Zeller's paddywagon?"
"Heero, this is Quatre we're talking about. Maybe something is going on. It doesn't neccessarily mean box turtles are trying to do him in, but someone certainly is. Quatre is rich; there are plenty of reasons we someone'd want him out of the way. I say we keep an eye on him."
"No! It's the turtles! They're like the mob, except they are reptiles!" Quatre whimpered.
Trowa looked at Heero.
"What was I thinking? We're taking him to Zellers tomorrow ourselves."

Quatre glanced around nervously. He could hear the little patter of scaled feet. He knew the turtles were up to something.
Quatre pulled the covers over his head and hugged his plush Luna toy, preparing himself for a long night.

The next morning, Quatre, dressed in what appeared to be a baseball umpire's outfit and weilding a steel baseball bat, scrambled down the stairs without any mishaps.
Waving his baseball bat into the room before entering himself, Quatre entered the kitchen, narrowly avoiding a twine trip-wire.
As he pulled the refrigerator door open, Quatre jumped back. Three sharpened meat cleavers landed point-first into the hard wood floor, followed by a heavy Oriental vase.
Quatre began trembling as he heard whisper-like dry laughter. "They're out there..." he thought aloud. "Well, they're not getting this Gundam pilot!" he resolved firmly.
Snapping his helmet and face mask down tighter, Quatre ventured out into the now-silent house.

"Quatre? Is that you?" Heero asked. Silence for a long moment before a shaky voice could be distinguished.
"They've trapped me, Heero. I'm out-numbered. Get the others and hurry over, please! Believe me! I need your help!" CLICK.
Heero looked at the phone for a moment, debating on whether or not to believe Quatre.
He sighed and picked the phone up again. He'd probably kick himself later .....

An hour later:

"Duo head towards the East Wing, Trowa takes the basement, Wufei the West Wing, and I'll take the top two floors." Heero ordered. The others nodded and the four split up, guns in hand.

Duo sighed. This was boring. "I'm gonna get a drink."
He quietly padded to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door.
WHOOSHHHHH!!!!
Duo blinked in surprise. The pilot of Deathscythe Hell was now hanging suspended in the air, caught in a giant mesh net.
"A guy goes to get a beer, and ends up in a net, hmmph!" Duo snorted angrily, crossing his arms.

Trowa shined his flashlight into the dark corners of the basement. "Quatre's got to get a maid. He's got way too much dust down here."
A sneeze startled Trowa. He spun around, shining his flashlight into an adjacent room. Another sneeze.
"Who's there?" Trowa asked as he stepped over the threshold.
SLAMMMM!!
Trowa spun about and stared at the shut, locked, door.
Tiny, dry snickers rang throughout the basement.

"And why does Whiner have trophies in here for archery and target contest?!? He doesn't even like killing things!" Wufei complained as he searched around the trophy/rec room.
There was a small BANG over at the far wall. Wufei cautiously approached the wall, his gun held ready.
"Now!!"
As Wufei looked down to see who had spoken, he never noticed the falling couch until it was too late.
THUD!! The couch fell onto Wufei, knocking the breath out of him as it pinned him to the ground.

Heero turned the corner slowly, idly noting and stepping over numerous trip wires. How stupid did they think he was?
There was a skitter of small feet and Heero calmly turned around. One of Quatre's box turtles stood there, smirking unnaturally.
Heero sighed. Maybe he was starting to see things like Quatre.
"Don't tell me you're one of Quatre's killer turtles." Heero said.
The turtle's grin widened. Heero decided he didn't like it.
BANG!!
"Bye bye, turtle." Heero said cheerfully as he stepped over the bloody shell fragments.
As Heero turned another corner, ignoring the Sailor Moon and Tenchi Muyo! posters on the walls, he spotted another turtle, which was trying to slink away in the shadows.
BANG!!
"Hope you like hell!"

Out of the four that had started the search, Heero was the only one to reach Quatre.
Heero kicked open the barricaded ballroom door.
"Heero!" Quatre cried. He was tied to a chair sitting in the middle of the room. "Where are the others?!?"
Heero shrugged as he untied Quatre. "Still looking for you elsewhere, I guess."
"Oh no! What if the other turtles got them?!?!?" Quatre wailed.
"They can handle a couple turtles, Quatre. Even crazy, killer turtles."
Quatre sniffled. "But there isn't just a couple! I only got five, but there's a lot more here now!"
"How do you know that?"
"Because they've got us surrounded!"
The two Gundam pilots looked around them. Hundreds of war-painted turtles filled the room completely.
"We're in deep shit," Heero said slowly.

Duo sawed through the last strands of the net with his bottle-opener. "Always good to keep one of these handy. I can truthfully tell Hildi that drinking has a good side."

Trowa battered into the door's hinges with the iron barbell. The door began to splinter, then creaked as it fell apart.
Trowa coughed and waved splinters from the air as he stepped out of the dark room.
"Time to kick some turtle ass!"

Wufei groaned. "Could somebody help me?!?! I'm stuck! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!"

Heero blasted another turtle apart, then groaned. He was out of bullets.
"Sorry, Quatre, but if you want to get out of this alive, I'll have to blast some of this room apart."
Quatre whimpered as Heero pulled the pin from a grenade and tossed it into a large cluster of turtles.
BOOOOOMMMMM!!!!
Heero grinned at the squeals of pain as the smoke cleared. "DIE, TURTLES, DIE!!!"

Trowa and Duo looked hesitantly into the chaos-filled ballroom. "Should we leave 'em be? Heero can handle himself, can't he?" Duo asked.
Trowa shook his head. "Heero's ammo's gonna run out sometime, and there's way too many turtles in there. Too many for all of us to take on, even."
Duo grinned. "I know how we can help 'em!"
The God of Death sped down the hall and down the staircase, Trowa following in puzzlement.
"It's in the shed! C'mon!"

Heero and Quatre were backed up against a wall, out of ammo. Quatre began crying fountains as the turtles advanced menacingly, and Heero had to exert every bit of self-control to keep himself from smacking Quatre silly.
"We're gonna DIE!!"
Heero looked up and Quatre stopped crying as the sound of a nearby lawnmower reached their ears.
"HERE COME THE CAVALRY!!!!" Duo cried as he and Trowa burst into the ballroom, riding on a giant riding lawnmower. "KICK IT INTO TURBO DRIVE, TROWA!!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" the turtles screamed as they were sucked into the lawnmower.
"GET ON! LET'S GO!" Trowa cried as he pulled up alongside Heero and Quatre.
"Yeah! Trowa came to rescue us!!" Quatre exclaimed as they jumped onto the lawnmower.
"Actually, it was Duo's idea."
Duo tossed three grenades into the large swarm of turtles that were attempting to prevent their escape.
"KICK IT IN REVERSE!!"
The lawnmower's passengers hung on for dear life as they ground through the turtles, out of the now-demolished ballroom, and down the grand staircase, springing traps left and right.
"WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Duo cried as they burst out the front doors.

The remaining turtles picked each other up, turning those upside-down right side-up.
The largest turtle shuffled to the front of the configuration.
"We shall return to Mars! This place is no good to our kind. They are too crazy."
The other turtles nodded as they followed their leader out of the mansion, out of the country, and out of this world.

"So now you know I'm not loopy!" Quatre exclaimed happily. Everyone's sweat dropped.
"Maybe concerning killer turtles, Quatre, but you're still pretty loopy to us!"
"You can stay with me and Cathy at the circus until the mansion's fixed up, Quatre." Trowa offered.
"Yeah!"

"Could somebody get me out of here?!?!? I think there's dust mites in this couch!! HELP!!!!!!!" Wufei cried as night fell on the empty house.
And Quatre wasn't going home for a week.



The End


So did you like it? Alien Turtles + The G-Boys = Pure Gold.
Thank you ever so much, Ms. Sinic, my partner in crime and partner in business, for the lawnmower bit. Even purer gold!
And let's not forget the bear attack in Reasons Why .....
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
You are good!
Any more suggestions are very, most, much, absolutely, totally welcome.