Summary: The G-Boys' mishaps in the woods.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, its characters, or its mecha. I wish I did, but I don't. I wrote this for fun, and nothing more. Please don't flame or sue me.
Rating: PG-13. Be on the lookout for cursing, bear attacks, drinking, & animals being blown apart.
Author's Note: No one is gay! Anyone who likes to write fanfics like that make me sick!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reasons Why Never To Give Hunting Permits
To Gundam Pilots
By: Raye Firearrows

"Let's go hunting guys! I'm sure it'll be interesting!"

One Fine Fall Day, Heero and the other G-Boys decided to go hunting for the first time in their lives. I mean hunting deer, not people. And actually, the idea of hunting wasn't theirs. Nor did they even really want to. But all of their girls (Relena, Cathy, Hildi, and Dorothy) had kicked them all out of their houses three days ago because of Heero's Thanksgiving episode, which Duo had labled The Great Turkey Chainsaw Massacre. The guys were bored beyond belief and decided to go hunting to pass the time.
Now, everyone should know by now that if you give Heero a rifle and plenty of ammo, Duo a case of beer, and get the other guys with them, and put them in a forest full of defenseless woodland creatures, two things are going to happen. 1) Plenty of things are going to meet God by the end of the day, and 2) Half of the forest will be blown to Kingdom Come.
Anyway, the guys all drove over to the nearest forest possible, Chestnut Grove, armed with guns, hunting permits, and plenty of beer.
As everyone piled out of Duo's SUV, one person stayed.
"Quatre, come on! We're going to hunt today, not sit in the jeep and listen to Lite Rock 107!" Duo complained.
Quatre shook his head. "I'm not coming out! I didn't want to come here and I don't want to kill things!"
Heero grinned. "Fine then, Quatre. You can stay here."
Quatre looked up. "Really?"
"Sure," Heero grinned at the hopeful boy. "You can stay here all by yourself while we go out in the woods. You'll be perfectly safe here."
Duo caught on. "Yeah, I mean, those legends about ghosts haunting these woods can't possibly be true."
Quatre whimpered. "Ghosts?!?!?!"
"Yeah. They say that a witch died in these woods over two hundred years ago, and that she searches for human sacrifices sometimes. But they're probably just legends." Duo matter-of-factly.
The jeep door slammed shut and Quatre grabbed Trowa's arm. "I'll come! Don't let the ghosts get me, Trowa!"
Trowa's sweat dropped. He sighed. "Let's just go."
Heero nodded. "Where should we start looking?"
"Let's split up." Wufei said. "Maxwell and Yuy head in that direction, Cry-baby and Barton that way, and I'll head that way."
"I resent being called a Cry-baby!" Quatre said, sniffling loudly. Everyone's sweat dropped.
"Let's just go!" Heero said, hurrying into the trees and cocking his gun. Duo followed the trigger-happy Heero. Trowa, with a clinging Quatre firmly attached to an arm like a leech, headed off in their direction, while Wufei marched straight in.
Another thing we should all know by now is that Duo's mouth is much too big, and Heero's temper much too short.
"So Heero, I bet Relena's still pissed at you for ruining her Thanksgiving," Duo rambled on, oblivious to the wrath he was inviting down on his thick head. "You've been really depressed lately. Has Relena been making you sleep on the couch?"
Duo began laughing at this. Heero tightened his grip on his rifle and turned to give Duo his best Death Glare.
Duo's laughter died quickly as the Glare fell on him.
"Duo, my very last nerve of tolerance is this thin." Heero squeezed his fingers together the closest possible without touching them. "One more word and I will destroy you!"
"I will shut up now." Duo said quickly, snapping his mouth shut.
"Good." Heero growled and stomped off through the trees again.
After about three nanoseconds, Duo forgot his promise and opened his mouth again.
"Why do they call this place Chestnut Grove? There aren't even that many chestnut trees here!"
Duo skidded to a stop and gulped nervously. Heero's rifle barrel was pointed to his nose.
"Get running now," Heero growled. "Or I'll blow your braid and brains out."
Duo took off like the Hounds of Hades were on his heels. Actually, it was more like the Bullets from Heero.
In another part of the woods:
"But Trowa! I don't want to hunt poor deer!" Quatre wailed.
Trowa sighed. "We should have left you at the hotel."
Quatre nodded fiercely.
Trowa sighed again. "Then don't kill anything, Quatre. Just don't get all teary-eyed if I kill anything. I came here to hunt."
Quatre sniffled loudly and nodded reluctantly.
Suddenly, there was a rustle of leaves as a large doe poked her head through the bushes.
Without another thought, Trowa pulled the trigger. Quatre covered his eyes.
The doe crumpled onto the forest floor.
"Did ....did.....did.....did you kill it?" Quatre squeaked.
Trowa sighed in exasperation. "Of course I killed it. That's the purpose of hunting."
Quatre sniffled. "The poor thing; I bet she had a really big family."
Trowa's sweat dropped. "Nevermind that."
The two approached the dead deer, Quatre sniffling loudly.
Trowa stopped suddenly, clamping a hand over Quatre's mouth. "Quiet!"
Quatre stopped sniffling and froze. Trowa let him go and grabbed his rifle.
A sniffling sound not unlike Quatre's could be heard as the bushes seperated again.
Stars filled Quatre's eyes. "AWWWW! How cute!!! A baby deer!!!"
Trowa's sweat dropped yet again as Quatre scooped the extremely tiny fawn up and began coddling it.
"He's so sweet!!"
"Quatre, you're not adopting a fawn."
The baby fawn caught sight of the dead doe and squirmed out of Quatre's hands. The deer nuzzled against the doe and began bleating louder than even Quatre.
Tears filled Quatre's eyes and he and the fawn began a crying contest.
"Booo hooo! Trowa, you killed the poor baby's Mama!!"
Trowa began to look uncomfortable. "I didn't mean to!"
Quatre pulled the sniffling deer into his lap and hugged it. "I'm naming you Bambi. I'll take care of you." Quatre crooned.
"Bambi?!?!"
"Yeah! Other than The Little Mermaid, Bambi was my favorite movie when I was a kid."
Yet another sweat drop.
"Let's just go." Trowa sighed as he tied a noose around the doe's legs and prepared to drag her back to the jeep.
Quatre followed Trowa, carrying Bambi in his arms.
"You shouldn't carry that thing. Who knows what could be living on it. Ticks, fleas, lice, ughh!" Trowa shuddered.
"My Bambi's clean He doesn't have bugs." Quatre pouted.
Trowa shook his head and marched stolidly onward.
Meanwhile:
Wufei hadn't had much luck. He had been wandering around aimlessly, but he hadn't seen so much as a hair of a deer.
He growled in impatience and threw his rifle down as he sat on a large boulder outside a dark cave. "No deer for miles!" he exclaimed.
A low menacing growl startled him. Wufei jumped up in panic as a large, dangerous-looking grizzly bear lumbered out of the cave. He had apparently woken the bear, and it didn't look very happy. Strike that. It was PISSED!
"AHHHHHHHH!" Wufei screamed in terror as he tried to escape the grizzly. The large bear merely reached out a leathally-clawed paw and caught Wufei's pant leg.
"AHHHHHHHH!" Birds burst from the trees in giant black clouds three miles away from Wufei. "INJUSTICE!"

Duo stopped in his tracks. "That almost sounded like Wufei. Huh, must be my imagination."
Duo looked around and sighed. He was lost.
Suddenly, a glinting light caught his eye.
"YES! My SUV!" Duo exclaimed as he stumbled through the bushes. "Even better! My beer!" Duo pulled out a lawnchair and a beer can from the case.
"Ah well. So I can't find the others. They'll be back by dark. I'll just sit here and enjoy the woods, Duo Style!"
A large pile of empty cans grew faster than you could say, "Wufei acts like a homo."
At that very moment:
Heero was having a blast blowing things into oblivion. Anything that moved soon met its Maker. Trees, birds, cats, dogs, fish, baby bunnies, they were all bullet-ridden in no time.
"Da da da da da, BANG BANG, BANG BANG!!!!" Heero sang cheerfully as he blasted a deer into venison.

"Quatre, what time is it?" Trowa asked wearily as he ground to a stop.
Quatre shifted Bambi to his right arm and glanced down at the pink and purple Sailor Moon watch. "Ah, Serena says it's 3:57, Trowa!" Quatre said cheerfully.
Trowa rolled his eyes. "Please help me, God. My friend's wak."
A snort behind the two broke the silence.
Trowa and Quatre slowly turned to face one very large, very irrate buck. The giant deer pawed the ground and lowered its head.
"Trowa ..." Quatre whispered.
"Be completely silent," Trowa whispered in a barely audible voice. "And ..... RUN LIKE HELL!!!"
Half the forest went up in flames as Quatre and Trowa sped through the trees, forgetting the dead doe, screaming as the buck chased them relentlessly.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"One fine day with a woof and a purr ...." Duo trailed off listlessly and struggled to remember the next line. Shrugging and grinning stupidly, he went on. "Catdog! Catdog! Alone in the world with a little Catdog!"
Duo was thoroughly and royally drunk. He had finished off the entire beer case and had started on another.
"In the not too distant future, Somewhere in time and space, Mike Nelson and his robot pals, Are caught in an endless chase!" Duo reeled about wildly, drinking another beer and singing the MST3K Theme Song.
"Say my name, say my name ...."
An hour and five bullet cases later:
"I think I like hunting." Heero said with a sigh of happiness.
The trees around him had been reduced to glowing embers and animal carcasses were littered everywhere. The area of the woods where Heero stood looked like a tornado, a forest fire, and a herd of elephants had just passed through.
"Well, I suppose I'll move on to the next area." Heero said as he walked off through the trees.
Shaking animals, the only survivors of the terrible holocaust, crawled from true bomb shelters they had taken refuge in. They were thankful that the laughing maniac, with sticks of fire and blazing bombs, had overlooked them.

Wufei groaned as he limped through the trees. He was covered in claw marks and teeth grooves, and was in hell in his opinion.
He stumbled and bumped roughly into a half-dead tree. There was a loud snapping sound, then a whooshing sound.
A large, paper-covered ball dropped into his hands. Wufei stared at it in puzzlement.
"What the hell is this?!?!" Wufei asked.
A sudden buzzing sound erupted from the paper ball.
"Oh shit! It's a beehive!" Wufei threw the "ball" into the air and ran as fast as his injured body would allow.
Swarms of yellow and black-striped bees poured out of the broken hive and began chasing the hapless Gundam pilot.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Trowa collapsed with his back against a large tree.
"I ....I .....I......I can't go on....." Trowa gasped out.
Quatre pulled him to his feet. "C'mon, Trowa! You can't stop now! That rabid deer'll get ya!"
The two continued stumbling on, Bambi mewling loudly.
Trowa gasped and skidded to a halt, grabbing Quatre's arm and holding him back. They had run out of woods. A large canyon yawned up before them.
Quatre whimpered as the buck galloped from the trees and began snorting aggitatedly at the two Gundam pilots.
"What're we going to do, Trowa?" Quatre whispered shakily.
Trowa caught his breath and shrugged. "Looks like we're at the end of our rope, Quatre."
Quatre whimpered again. "What'll happen to Bambi!? The poor thing'll die out here all alone!"
Trowa's sweat dropped for the umpteenth time that day. "Quatre! You should be worrying about us! Not your stupid deer!"
Quatre scratched his head and grinned. "Yeah, I guess so!"
A loud snort brought their attention back to the buck.
"WAHHHHH!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!" Quatre cried pathetically. Bambi cried also and the two soon had fountains pouring out of their eyes, making both Trowa's and the buck's sweat drop in embarrassment.
Back with Wufei:
"This is not happening." Wufei grumbled. He was ragged, torn, covered in bee stings, and looked like he had just self-detonated in his Gundam.
Wufei was currently walking along a river bank. He stumbled over a tree root and before he knew what was happening, rolled down the muddy bank and into the even muddier, colder water.
"This is such an injustice." Wufei said emotionlessly as he stood waist-deep in the cold water, covered in mud and leaves.
As he washed the mud away, Wufei shivered. Why wasn't some of this mud washing away? And why did he feel like he was being pricked with sharp needles?
"LEECHES!!" Wufei screamed, startling another nearby doe. "INJUSTICE!!!!"

"Hildi, I'm sorry." Duo slurred. The squirrel he had been talking to looked at him strangely, then looked down at the nut it had been eating. It threw it aside and jumped as Duo sat beside it on the stump.
"I'm sorry! I know I'm a handful! I don't deserve such a nice girlfriend!"
There was a rustling noise and the squirrel took the time the destraction had provided it to climb up a nearby tree.
Duo blinked blearily as a large, tawny mountain lion padded quietly out of the trees.
"Hildi! I thought you were over here." Duo said cheerfully. "How'd you get so fast?"
The mountain lion growled menacingly.
Duo sighed. "You're still mad at me. Please, Hildi! Don't be mad! I'll try to be a better boyfriend on at least three days out of every week!"

"Quatre, I think that deer wants Bambi." Trowa whispered out of the side of his mouth.
Quatre sniffled, hugging Bambi so tight that the fawn yelped in protest. "Not Bambi!"
"Maybe that buck's part of Bambi's family. Y'know, maybe he's his dad or uncle."
Quatre still looked doubtful. "But that deer's rabid! I bet he'll eat poor Bambi!"
Trowa sighed. "Listen to yourself, Quatre! He is not going to eat Bambi. And besides, you don't exactly have a choice."
"Why's that?"
"I swear Quatre, sometimes you're more idiotic than OZ officers. We're backed up against a canyon, and we'll fall to our doom if you don't put that fawn down!"
Quatre sniffled again and set Bambi down reluctantly. "You be good with your Papa, Bambi. Don't forget me!"
"Dear God ...."
Quatre's eyes welled up with tears as Bambi tottered unsteadily over to the buck, which had stopped snorting.
Trowa grinned as the two deer touched noses and walked into the woods. "See? Told ya."
Quatre waved a handkerchief after the deer. "Bye bye, Bambi! I'll never forget you!"
Trowa grabbed Quatre's shirt collar and dragged him off towards the SUV. "C'mon, Mister Sensitivity."

Heero tossed the grenade over his shoulder and plugged his ears with his fingers, grinning widely.
"5.....4.....3.....2.....1!"
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!
Heero turned to look at his handy-work. A large, smoking crater the size of the Peacecraft Pool was now in place of the several trees and caves that had stood there just moments ago.
"This is even better than Valentine's Day!"

"How could this day possibly get worse?" Wufei asked himself sullenly. A soon as "worse" had left his mouth, Wufei stumbled yet again, falling into a massive and extremely pointy thorn bush.
"AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! INJUSTICE!!!!!!!"

"What're ooo doing, Hildi?" Duo asked as the mountian lion dove at him. "Oh 'ook! A penny!"
As Duo bent over to pick up the penny, the lion sailed through the air above him, its head smashing into a tree.
Duo looked over at the now-unconscious mountain lion, who had spirals in its eyes.
"That's good, Hildi. Ooo go ahead and take a nice 'ong nap. I'll 'eave ooo alone."
The mountain lion groaned softly as Duo opened yet another beer.
Hours later:
Trowa and Quatre stumbled wearily into the small clearing, which was littered with piles and piles and piles of empty beer cans. An unconscious mountain lion was in a crumpled heap not too far from a nearly passed-out Duo.
"Duo? What happened here?" Trowa asked after shaking the God of Death awake.
"Hey Benny! It looks like you're on the wrong side of the river!!!"
Trowa and Quatre exchanged puzzled looks. "Riiiight."
Not even two minutes later, a gun-less and dignity-less Wufei stomped into the clearing.
"Wufei, what happen-" Quatre began.
"Shut up, Whiner! I don't want to hear it!"
"Where's Heero?" Trowa asked.
"I don't give a-" Wufei began, but trailed off listlessly as Heero walked into the clearing, out of ammo and grinning happily.
"Let's do this again next year!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"
Heero blinked.
Trowa sighed. "We'll explain later. Get in the SUV and let's go."
"Kumbiya, My Lord! Kumbiya!" Duo sang. Obviously.
Late that week:
"Heero! What'n the hell did you and the others do in Chestnut Grove?!?!?!" Relena screeched like a banshee.
"We went hunting." Heero said simply.
"The park rangers were just on the phone. They say that someone blew up over half of the park's wildlife and trees! And there's reports of a grizzly bear that actually ate a rifle! And a herd of deer that have been acting really strange and crying fountains twenty-four seven! Someone even saw a baby fawn carrying a Sailor Moon watch. And there's also the mountain lion with a severe concussion. And what about the 78 empty beer cans at the park, hmmm?!?!"
Heero grinned. "It was fun! We're gonna go next year, too!"
Relena gaped at Heero, then anime fell. "Heero!!!!"




The End
('Til Next Huntin' Season!)