somehow i ended up on jerry falwell's "falwell confidential" weekly mass e-mailing.  i just got this message in my bulk mail folder about signing a petition to send to bush about the pledge of allegiance being unconstitutional.  i'm not signing it.  not because i agree with the ruling (i don't), but because it's simply so inane it'll never hold up.  the ruling was ridiculous, as mostly everyone can tell.  i'm all for shaking up the establishment, but things like this prove nothing.  and as far as i can tell, that one line ("one nation, under god") isn't hurting anyone. and it just might be important.

now, as to whether or not everyone should have to say it every morning at school...well, the fact that maybe one-eighth of the school actually stands for the pledge anymore sort of indicates what value most people place on it.  and requiring someone to say something is no different than requiring someone to not say something.  and i think that's what we should be fighting for, as opposed to those on the right of the issue saying "you must say it," and those on the left of the issue saying, "you must not say it."

i sent a message to the fallwell administrator and asked to be removed from the mailing list.  i don't know what right wing organization sold my name to that nazi, but there's no way i support anything he does.  the entire mail went on and on about how all leftists want to kill off god from the country and all leftists are going to hell and all leftists are just pushing their notion of a heaten nation onto everyone.  he could've said some leftists and it wouldn't have been such a big deal to me.  but the fact that he painted all of us with the same colors...it bothers me.  people like him refuse to accept differences in people. refuse to even ponder the notion that maybe humankind can't be broken down into two groups, maybe the human spirit is stronger than that.

maybe we're all different, unique.

and maybe someday, the entire world will finally figure this out.

on that day, jerry falwell's entire flock of followers will simply fall apart.

___

he walked up the counter, a certain look on his face which i couldn't really place.  "got any ten dollar tickets?" he asks.

i scan, and say, "yes, sir, we've got the cash spectaclar ticket right now."

"gimme one of them," he says, opening his wallet and fishing for a ten.

"ten dollars sir," i say, and we trade the ticket for the bill.  he takes a penny from the "have a penny, leave one..." jar, and scratches the area quickly.  there's a way you can tell the addicts from the casual players.  there's a strip of numbers at the top of every lottery ticket, in the scratch off area.  it's a code, and if any of the numbers in the code are in parenthies, you win the amount that's bracketed off.  the casual player will scratch off the entire play surface, enjoying the game.

the addicts don't even bother with that anymore.  they just scratch off the coded area and don't bother even playing along.

this guy was an addict.

"shit," he says, "nothing.  gimme another one."

i tear off another ten dollar ticket, hand it to him.  he gives me another ten dollar bill.  he scratches again, quickly.  "nothing.  gimme one more."

same song, third verse.  he scratches.  "ah.  twenty bucks.  gimme a five dollar, a two dollar..."

and so on.  after he left, my boss walked up to me.  "how much did he spend?"

"like thirty initally.  then he won twenty and bought smaller tickets with it.  he took the smaller ones and left."

"he was the one who won a million dollars on the daily number game a couple years ago," kim says.

my eyes grow wide.  "no shit?"

"yup.  a million dollars," she says wistfully, and i know we're both just thinking about that.  "and he squandered it all.  around here, he would've had the world in the palm of his hand.  and he blew it."

i didn't even have the heart to ask her what he spent it on.  i just shut off the lights and started cleaning up the place.  "i'm gonna start on the monthly reports," kim says.

"all right," i respond, and start sweeping.  thirty dollars in tickets.  that's more than i've spent on the lottery in my entire life, and he chucked that money across the counter like it didn't even matter.  a millionaire at one time...and now he's working at the giant in shillington.  amazing.  he's still chasing it, i guess, that one ticket that'll get him back where he once was.  even moreso, i guess, he's still chasing that american dream, the promise that if you work hard and try hard and be loyal to your nation it'll all work out, and you'll be a rockstar, baby, if you wanna be.  or you'll be a cop.  or you'll be a big stock broker, or a lawyer, or anything you want to do.

i don't believe that.  i refuse to believe that.

but i do believe i know the look the guy had in his eyes when he first walked into the store and asked if we had ten dollar tickets.

it was desperation.