physically, i don't think i've ever been this tired.

emotionally, i'm spent and confused.

the last time i shaved was monday morning, and even then i just sort of blindly grabbed the electric razor and ran it over my face for a couple minutes.  my facial hair is badly out of shape and i need to go touch it up.

i was sweating horribly today.

there's paint on my hands and my shorts which i need to wash off.

i've gotten 19 hours of sleep in the last four days, and even on sunday, when i intended to sleep in, i only got 8 hours.  i was out till 3 am, and only got 8 hours of sleep.  damnit, i'm stupid.

new developments with friends have made things even more complicated for me than before.  i'm searching for answers to my questions, and not finding many at all.

and yet, sitting here in the family room with the air blasting on me, cooling off, getting ready for the five o'clock call for cast and crew for the musical, i feel good.

i'm tired, sure.  i'm hot and frustrated and in need of solace and a serious break from all this.

but i feel good about the show.  the talk last night did a lot of kids good, i think, and the assembly today went very well.  i'm not worried much anymore.  my and amber's set switches are going suave, the orchestra sounds terrific, the cast is stellar.  if sound and lighting can get their shit together tonight, we'll be set.

i'm ready for opening night.

we're ready.

and i never thought i'd be able to say that.

__

i'm a dramatic person by nature, but things have been downright soap opera-esque for me lately, at least in my head.  changing emotions, people emerging from the backdrops, people i'd almost forgotten about are suddenly consuming the bulk of my time (both waking and sleeping).  right now, i've got one person on my mind constantly.

things are good, for a couple of specific reasons which i can't really get into right now.  but, i can consider myself happy for the time being.  and that's always a nice feeling.

and, things will get better, i think.  friday's the cast party at rachel's, the seniors are sleeping over, that'll be cool.  saturday is lisa's karoke party.  i'm gonna sing the "shaft" theme.  if she has it.  which i think she said she doesn't.  so maybe i won't sing.

most of all, i'm happy for one reason.  my guess is she knows who she is.