remember all that stuff i said about being "over" the mystery girl and whatnot?  about how i had no time to deal with it right now, and i wasn't affected and everything?

yeah, i lied.

yesterday, at work, lisa told me some encouraging news about her, something she once said about to at the last play, and i wonder if she (the girl, not lisa) was telling the truth.  if so, it makes me hopeful, hopeful that there's a chance perhaps the feelings still linger?

do you know who i'm talking about?  she'll most likely read this.  she asked me about the poem post.

amber guessed.  lisa guessed.  i wonder if the girl herself knows.

she's a friend of mine.

and that's why i haven't said anything to her about it.

i don't want to see that fade away, or even worse, burn out.  i don't want to lose her as a friend.  so, i guess i'll just sit in the back, watched her from afar, and do my work, like always.  i could intervene, let her know how i feel, but what good would it do?  at one point, maybe a lot, but i doubt she still feels the same way.

i started out feeling slightly hopeful.  by the time i'm finished, i've killed off in my mind every chance of something coming of all this.  the story lisa told me left me encouraged, and i wish i could cling to that sense of optimism.  sadly, i'm historically not a very optimistic person.

so.

this is a call for help.  i adore you.  i can't stop thinking about you.  i spend every waking moment thinking about ways to make you happy, ways to make your world a better place.  i want to tell you.  i can't.  i'm a pussy, after all.  i can't let you know how light seems to focus on only you when you're around me; how everyone else seems to evaporate and it's just you, right there at center stage, looking beautiful as usual, slaying me quietly, making me love you without even trying.

i've learned that at one point fairly recently, you might've felt the same way about me.

but i think that time has passed.

i wish i could ask you.

i wish you would've asked me back then.  i'm not the sort of person who just walks up to another person and asks what she thinks of me.

you'll read this, i'm sure.  if you think you've got it figured out, ask me.  odds are, i'll never work up the courage to tell you directly to your face what i think of you.  i'm not a forward person; i'm not willing to place myself out on the line like that.

i wish i were.

but i'm not.

and i also wish i could kiss you, hold you, tell you everything was all right and things would turn out fine and nothing bad will ever happen again and make you and me feel safe.

i wonder if time's run out.

___

ska and punk and emo help me.  entire genres of music devoted to teenage love and having your heart broken my the opposite sex.  thank god.