tonight, at rehearsal, at the very end, rachel told us that she wasn't accepted at williams in massachussetts.  and she started crying.  her eyes went glassy, and just welled up with tears...

there was only five of us there, kathy, matt, amber, rachel and i, and it was frightening for me.  i'm scared when people cry, when they let their emotions go around me, especially someone as grounded as rachel.  i didn't really know what to say - i rarely do when things get down to it - and i felt terrible.  i also felt sorta angry.

i mean, why didn't they take her?  she's the most intelligent person i know from school; she knows about theatre, literature, she's a liberal, she's involved with countless different organization, she's a beautiful person.

but they didn't accept her.

she got it under control, after a little while.  i was unable to speak for a period of time...i pitied her so bad, but at the same time, couldn't really do anything to help.  i knew there was nothing i could do, so when i said "are you sure you're all right," and she just sort of nodded and smiled, i felt like an uneducated prick.

it also made me think - would i have had that level of reaction had i not been accepted at one of my places?  both the schools i applied to are local and take nearly anyone.  if i'm going to alvernia, a fourteen thousand dollar a year school, for around twenty-five hundred bucks, she could've gone for free.

i guess i know why i haven't spent as much time, haven't put as much thought into my future as rachel - i don't care as much as her.  i've spent next to no time thinking about post-high school life.  i don't know if i'm ready.  she, on the other hand, knew where she wanted to go for the longest time now.  she's invested time in thinking about the more important things that are coming up.  i, on the other hand, have not.  we're both intelligent people.  she's simply more intelligent.

i hope she doesn't let this get her too down.

i know i wouldn't.

but, the whole point of this was to recognize the difference between driven people and me.

i guess rejection from a college not getting me down is that difference.

i love rachel, and hope she feels better.  it must've been hard, sitting at practice all night, with that swirling around in her head.  christ, i feel terrible for her.  oddly enough, i feel worse for her than i would for myself, if i were in her place.

but, i'm not.

feel better, rachel.  i'll be thinking about you.