yeah, so i slept for around five hours tonight, from 5:30 or so to around 9, and then from 9 to around 10:30.  i didn't slip off till 1:30 am monday morning, so i needed this rest.  tomorrow brings merely practice and headaches and the like, so this was nice to be able to just kick back.

but, the problem with all this sleep is that now i won't be able to drop off for hours, even if i do go to bed.  sheetz is the only person up on aim, i can't call anyone or go anywhere, all i can do is sit here and listen to the underground and try to make myself tired.

doesn't seem to be working thus far.

today, sitting in my double of acting first period, no fias again, mr. rose subbing, double of nothing, my partner wasn't there, couldn't practice my skit, i just sat and read hunter thompson the whole time and didn't talk to anyone but listened to one of the members of the punk community, you know, the ones that flaunt their patches and huntingtons shirts and safety pins and bible verse t-shirts and whatnot, i listened to him talk about how his friends had spent the weekend kidnapping an emu from the black angus out in adamstown, kill it, and then hanging it off the side of the bridge.

he laughed.

the people around him laughed.

i felt like crying.

i am literally sick and tired of every single person in the school (well, ok, not everyone, but a good many of them).  this kid, who proudly states "ABORTION IS HOMICIDE," found it incredibly amusing that his friends had killed an emu.  i could go on and on about how this indicates the roots of a sociopathic future, but i won't.  i'll just say this - i'm tired.  i'm tired of not fitting in with the pro-bush majority.  i'm tired of not finding funny the fact that an innocent animal was slaughtered.  i wish i could bring myself to fit in with everyone, simply meld, simply listen to their bullshit and believe it all and be happy and unquestioning, live a long life in lancaster county with a lot of kids who grow up to vote for bush's kids who'll finance more wars and kill animals and make the world a less happy place, but it won't matter because they'll be nice and quiet and never ask questions, look straight ahead, everyone loves you, everyone thinks just like you.

but, as i've spent so much time lamenting into this thing in the past, i can't.

i started out wanting to bitch about a kid who considers himself "pro-life" finding the killing of a defenseless animal funny, and i end up ranting about how i hate hateful right wing lancaster again.  and it is hateful, this area.

but, i suppose that's at the root of it all.

i should've been born during the sixties in fan francisco.  at least then i would have some fucking people who think about the same things i do.

bah.  whatever.  i can't think about it anymore without getting angry all over again.  what i wanted to relay was the fact that i felt so angered during first period, i wanted to simply leap to my feet and be like "YOU ASSHOLES!  it's not funny!  the emu did nothing to anyone, it doesn't need to be fucking LAUGHED at!"

but, i didn't.

i found out something about someone today, relating to me.  it was third hand info, but if it was true...well, it makes me feel good.  it makes me feel happy.  it makes me feel like maybe things aren't as pointless as i think anymore.  maybe there is something happy over the hill, down the road, just coming up.  then again, maybe not, but that's the kind of thought process that lead to me having to start writing/complaining in this thing anyway.  i'll try to keep an open mind about it, and an optimistic open mind at that.

if it's true, of course.

and i find myself, more and more, hoping it is.

so, tomorrow, i'm getting out of school all day to work with hannah, alicia good, and jason on this recycling video alicia and hannah have planned.  they seem to be serious about it and have good ideas.  i'd just like a chance to make a piece of satiric pro-environmentalism propaganda, but i doubt that's what it'll turn into.  i'll give them my input though, and we'll see what develops.

i'm gonna go read some palahniuk and try to drift off.

not like it'll work, but whatever.