i wish
my parents would hurry up with the fight club dvd.
they're on their way home now.

i wish
this cold would go away.
i've had it long enough.

i wish
i could've worked tonight.
junior really is a dick; plus i needed the hours.

i wish
i weren't the only person on the net.
i'm sick, can't go out, no one to keep my company.

i wish
i had some mexican food right now.
don't ask me why, but a chicken fajita would be good.

i wish
i didn't eat so much chicken.
general tso's today, morally i don't like eating animals, but they taste too damn good.

i wish
i could stop feeling guilty when i do (eat animals).
not many people do, why should i be among them?

i wish
i had more money.
i want to buy books from chuck palahniuk, jack kerouac, william s burroughs, irvine welsh.

i wish
knowledge were cheaper.
maybe people would read more.

i wish
i had someone to hold.
not forever, just right at this moment.

i wish
someone wanted to hold me.
i'm lonely - a lot now.

i wish
i had someone to talk on the phone with.
maybe i'll call abbi tomorrow night.

i wish
i'd read stuff by that palahniuk guy.
adam b. tells me he's very good.

i wish
i had a copy of high fidelty.
i like hornsby.

i wish
i wasn't sick.
did i say that already - well, i wish it again.

i wish
i didn't have to wish.
but could make things happen.

-------

"I went to a restaurant and I got fried chicken. It was horribly burned, just awful. I'd already paid, and I said, "I can't eat this." They said, "Legally, you've touched it. So you have to eat it." I ended up throwing the chicken all over the restaurant and screaming, "You can suck this burned shit out of my ass." I got in a fight with some dishwashers. By then, my friends were sitting out in the car waiting for me. We drove away while the restaurant owner wrote down our license number in a very menacing way."
--chuck palahniuk

check his site out by clicking his name.  i'm looking forward to watching that movie again, plus the dvd kicks ass.

that guy seems legitimately cool.  if it happened.

ever get the feeling that you should be doing something, anything, but you're just not?  maybe you're sick (i am), or maybe you just don't do anything ever.  i get the impression that i'm supposed to be active, that i should be out with people, that i should want to be self-destructive like other boys my age, that i should be interested in killing cats and hanging them off the sides of bridges, that i should have a girlfriend at this school and a girlfriend at another school and i should be merely interested in them as sexual objects and that i should smoke marajuana laced with crack and that i should drink at other kid's homes when their parents aren't home and that i should want to cause my own brand of teenage anarchy each and every weekend and everyone else be damned - but, i don't want to.

everyone tells you, "man, i remember eighteen.  i used to do nothing but party and get laid!  man, i wish i could go back there."  i'm sick of hearing it.  i'm sick of people like junior who say women are ugly after they've had children and who cheat on their girlfriends and yet continue to get girls.  i'm sick of constantly feeling like an outsider wherever i go (besides gspa), never fitting in, never really even wanting to fit in, to tell the truth.

i'm sick of not knowing what i want out of this life which is going to go on for a while longer.

and, i'm sick of telling my typing my thoughts into this thing - although it does help, i assure you, valued reader.  but, like most everyone, i keep most of the pain for myself...i share the beauty though, and there's a lot of it out there.  it's just been hard to see lately.  the last time i really saw anything which struck me as beautiful was last weekend - the show.  i'm still proud of it, and the thought hit me today as i was walking to go into work - "i wish it were a week ago."  onn sunday, it didn't hit me, that it was my last time on stage, and maybe it hasn't yet.  but, i miss the show.  i miss performing.  a week ago at this time, we were just finishing up the performance, or somewhere thereabouts.  i wish it were valentine's day, and i still had four shows to go, four more times on stage.  i wish it hadn't ended.  the show was good, i know this now.  i was too worried at the time, but i recall sunday's show, and jason saying, "let's just go out there and have fun," and doing it, playing things up, putting on a dress and talking in a deep voice, just having fun on stage for the first time in what seemed two years or so.

it was beauty, pure, unadulterated, in its simplest form.  it was art - and i miss it.

-t