wow.

what a day.  marisa's funeral, of course, was today, and how draining was that?  i really don't know why i went back to school afterwards, because i really didn't feel up to doing much of anything.  i really just sat in class in psychology, and in english, we basically just read all period.

the ceremony itself went as well as could be expected, i guess.  it was what it was.  and what it was was depressing, and, in some ways, therapeutic.  i've heard it said that funerals are less a goodbye and more a hello.  they're a hello to the world without the person in it.

i don't know if i buy that, but i guess it's so.

anyway.  hello world.  it seems the same, but it's not.

i guess i took it hard because this is the first i've thought about the fact that someone i knew, someone my age, could indeed die.  holly frey, of course, went a few years ago, but i hadn't seen her in quite some time.  marisa i'd just had gym with a week or so before it happened.  i've talked with marisa.

that's what i took from it.  i've never thought of myself was immortal or anything, but this has definitely given me a new perspective on things.

no one lives forever, of course.

i guess this proves it.

just seeing so many people there was really something.  the place was packed, and that alone was enough to make me want to cry.  add to that the fact that it was a funeral, and it was quite the emotional time.  i don't know if i actually ever cried at any point, but i know i came close.  it was rough to get through, and i don't wish losing a classmate on anyone, anywhere.

except maybe hitler.  he sucked.

right.  what else?

i've been having a horrible time these past few weeks, but yesterday almost made me forget everything that was going wrong.

first, at 1:00 am on sunday night/monday morning, i was still awake, so i checked with my mom to see if i could go in late. she said yes, so i just turned off the old alarm and laid awake, thinking, for a while.

so, i go into school late, around 9:15 or so, and it's bright out.  the sun's already up, and the countryside looked beautiful.  honestly, people bitch about lancaster county so much, but i'm willing to bet they never sit back and look at the view we've got from the top of hills.  it was absolutely wonderful and magical, and made me just stop and think.

anyway, school wasn't too bad.  i only missed acting, thus justifying going in late.

then, we had play practice, which was...well, an experience.  everyone seemed on edge again.  lindsay and i had a long talk until it was time for me to go on for trotsky.  i really hadn't talked to her in a while, and i have to admit, i enjoyed it.

after that, lou, jason, rachel, linds, laura, matt, amber and i all went out to panda garden and got chinese.  it was the first time i'd been there, and i must admit, it wasn't as good as i've heard.  j said the tso's had never been cooked like that before, so i guess it was just an off night for them.

after that, lou and i went to pizza hut and saw renee, who used to work at bob's.  she seems to be doing ok, though the managers there must be as big of pricks as those at bob's.

after that, i went home and slept.

pretty good day, and it got me ready for the total fucking downer that i knew today would be.

which it was.

i meant to watch the boogie nights dvd i rented today, but i never got around to it.  maybe after play rehearsal i'll start it.  right now, i'm watching the taped raw lou gave me.  tis all right.  i'll get around to the masterpiece of late-90's cinema sometime soon enough.

"i'm a big, bright, shining star."

here's hoping jen's better soon.  no offense to you amber, but acting with you last night wasn't easy.  i need jen there to play off of.

the weekend after the play, michelle and i, and possibly steph, if michelle can get her to go, are going to the beach.  we're just gonna stay at a hotel and unwind.  i think i'll try and get a room with the quality inn where my family used to go over christmas vacation.  there's a pool, a sauna, a gym, plus the boardwalk, the arcades, mini golf, the restaurants.  i miss the beach, and, over the winter, it's so relaxing to just sit on the boardwalk and look at the water.  calm and serene, empty.  it's even better than over the summer, except, of course, that you can't go in the water.

i miss the beach, if you want to know the truth.

the phone keeps on ringing, damnit, for this power winch my dad advertised in the newspaper.  i've picked up the phone, literally, around thirty times since i got home.  the worst part is, there's a guy coming tonight to get the thing.  it's already sold.  so, i just picked up

(ok, since i started typing that, the phone rang again.  that's twice in two minutes.  god)

the phone twice in the last five minutes.  of course, that's not three times in the last five minutes.  it never ends.

anyway.

a quote:

"every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell are you.  girls.  jesus christ.  they can drive you crazy.  they really can."

jd salinger.  catcher in the rye.

i see so much of myself in holden caufield, and i realize that's dangerous, because mark david chapman said the same thing and he shot john lennon, but i still think it's true.

besides, even if i were to kill a pop star, there's no one as important as lennon around anymore (save for dylan).  so you wouldn't even notice.

joking.

i got play practice, and i gotta eat quick.  these entries take me longer to write than they should, i know, but oh well.  that just means i'm putting more effort into them.

or something.

anyway, later, yo.

-t