first things first.  hi.  how are you? 

read this... 

taken from theonion.com: 

"Thank heaven those boys in Washington are starting to waste time again, denouncing each other with shrill, self-righteous indignation like in the good old days," said Hanover, NH, locksmith Herman Bochy. "It makes a man want to stand up and say, 'Dammit, we're going to make it.'" And then it's only a matter of time before communication breaks down altogether." 

 For the first time since Sept. 11, federal legislators are returning to politics as usual. 

"When I saw all those Senate members locking arms to sing 'God Bless America' right after Sept. 11, I cried," said Jane Svoboda, 37, an Ashland, OR, homemaker. "It was almost as if the words 'Democrat' and 'Republican' didn't mean anything anymore. I said to my husband, 'Has it really come to this?' Now, as the corrupt fat cats start pursuing their own greedy, self-interest-driven agendas while hypocritically accusing their counterparts of pork-barrel politics, it's like seeing America return to greatness." 

lol.  it's funny because it's true.  "return to normalcy" all right. 

anyway, it's been around a week since my last entry, which seems to be the norm from now on.  i just can't find the will to sit down and write anymore, for whatever reason. 

i think i'm over her.  i find myself thinking about her less and less, and i guess that's a good thing.  but, then, i'll find a stuffed animal she gave me, or her phone number on my dresser from the first time she gave it to me, or i'll catch a wiff of her on my sweatshirt, and memories will just come flooding back. 

we were watching citizen kane in journalism, and, aside from being one of the coolest movies i've ever seen, it said something really cool.  to paraphrase:  "memory is the worst thing man has cursed with." 

or something along those lines.  at any rate, i agree with that, i think.  i really think i do. 

anyway.  marisa. 

i heard from steph last night, and it's horrible.  truly horrible.  i've only ever talked to her several times, and that's, i think, what makes it all the more depressing.  my only real connection to her was shane, and it was with him that i talked to her a couple times.  i wonder how he's taking it, since he once told me "she's the only person i can really talk to."  now, i don't know how things went since their break-up, and now that he's with avairy, but i imagine he's still taking it hard.  the poor guy.  his sister, his ex-girlfriend.  i think i'm going to call him today, see if he needs anything.  i'm glad i got to know him again this year, as we hadn't talked in, like, two years before this. 

but, anyway, marisa, wherever you are, i hope you found what you're looking for.  may you rest in peace, a peace that i take it this world never afforded you. 

sigh. 

this is why i'm going into social work.  people go on and on about giving out handouts to the poor, and how they just need to work, and how they don't deserve anything they get. 

bullshit. 

isn't there already enough pain and suffering in the world?  why do we need to turn a blind eye to something we can actually help with?  believe it or not, there are countless soup kitchens around.  there are shelters for abused women.  there are orphanages.  there's too much poverty, and not enough help. 

for whatever reason, when i tell anyone that i'm going into the field of social work, i often get an off look.  the most common response is "there's no money there" or, sometimes, "be sure to get your master's.  it's the only way you'll make any money." 

people can't seem to grasp a person not caring about money. 

ok, so maybe there's not too much i can do to stop a girl i hardly know from committing suicide, but i can try to help people left here, can't i? 

can't i? 

i don't know.  thinking about my future depresses me, and wholly makes me wish i were in second grade again, my whole life before me, plenty of things to do. 

i'm eighteen, and i've yet to make the best of it. 

so, ok, i've fallen in love, had my heart broken, gotten my first speeding ticket, and gotten accepted to two colleges. 

so? 

when i hear stories of the things other kids are doing to make the most of this year, this year that poets pine for and everyone tells you not to waste, i feel like i've just let it get away from me.  is there some special premium placed on the age of eighteen?  for years, i thought, "when i turn eighteen, the world is in the palm of my hand.  i can do anything." 

then, i get there, and i discover that it's just the same. 

sure, i bought a lottery ticket, but the guy didn't even ask for my id when i did.  seeing as how i'm straightedge, the whole legal purchase of cigarettes thing doesn't help much.  i can register to vote, but who am i gonna vote for?  hating politicians doesn't really make you look forward to public elections. 

so, what's so different?  i don't feel any different than i did a year ago. 

although, i can drive past eleven now, so that's a plus. 

i'm going to do something this summer, i think.  i don't know if it'll be a road trip, or what, but i've got to mark the occassion somehow.  i spent last summer in perfect solitude, reading, writing, working on the art of distancing myself from the world. 

then, i went and met a girl named abbi and my disconnection ended.  i opened myself up. 

i don't know if i'll go back to my old system of keeping myself distant from people.  the reason i did it last time was losing my closest friend, rian, when he moved away.  when he left, suddenly, the person i spent literally every day with was gone.  i had no one's house to go to, i had no one to talk for a long time on the phone with. 

i'd lost my best friend. 

so, for years, i made it a point to never open up too much to people.  it was my philosophy.  i'd be there for people, but, for the most part, i was on my own.  i dealt with my problems inside my head, on paper, or just ignoring them. 

and, then, the one time i break my code, the one time i do open myself up, i get burnt. 

it doesn't make my feel good about things to come.  maybe i'll become even more disconnected.  maybe i'll distance myself further from people. 

or, maybe i'll place more faith in people.  if you go your whole life not making connections, simply surviving by yourself, that isn't much of a life, is it?  i guess once you open yourself up, you risk being hurt, and if you simply don't open yourself up, you live in eternal loneliness. 

i'll let you know once i figure things out. 

things just seem to be going wrong right now.  i feel terrible, jen's sick, lindsay was crying at practice the other night, jason seemed down, a coed just committed suicide, people around the world seem to be preparing for world war three, and it seems like i've got no one to talk to about anything.  i've been offered help from countless people, all of whom are sincere, i know, but i just feel like there's absolutely no one who would even understand what i'd have to say. 

i don't know.  i'm overanalyzing, i guess.  it's just, stuff all around me seems bad right now, and i don't know why or what i can do to help anyone. 

but, i am feeling better than i did a week ago, so that's a plus. 

writing this feels good.  i hadn't gotten a truly good entry up in some time, and this just might be it. 

well then.  i think i'm gonna go take a shower, and enjoy the feeling of an entire weekend laid out before you, wide open, with anything possible. 

take care.  maybe i'll write a little later on, or tomorrow. 

we'll see how it goes.

i'll leave you with the lyrics to my favorite song right now.

"(el scorcho, rock and roll!)
goddamn you half japanese girls
do it to me every time
oh, the redhead said you shred the cello
and i'm jello, baby
'cause you want talk won't look won't think of me
i'm the epitome
a public enemy
why you wanna go and do me like that?
come down on the street and dance with me
i'm alive like you so please
hello i'm here i'm waiting (oh)
i think i'd be good for you
and you'd be good for me
i asked her to go to ther green day concert
you said you'd never heard of them (how cool is that?)
how cool is that?
so i went to your room and read your diary
watching grunge leg job new jack jew press table
then my heart stopped listening to chocho san
fall in love all over again (owwww!)
i'm alive like you so please
hello i'm here i'm waiting (oh, it's breaking my heart)
i think i'd be good for you
and you'd be good for me
how stupid is it
i can't talk about it
i gotta sing about it
and make a record of my heart
how stupid is it
won't you gimme a minute
just come up to me
and say hello (my heart)
how stupid is it
for all i know you want me to
or maybe you just don't know what to do
maybe you're scared to say
i'm falling for you
i wish i could get my head outta the sand
'cause i think we'd make a good team
and you would keep my fingernails clean
but that's just a stupid dream that i won't realize
'cause i can't even look in your eyes without shakin'
and i ain't fakin'
i'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon."
--"el scorcho"; weezer; pinkerton.

late.

-t