How To Create Your Own...

Operating Manual for Life

by Rel Davis

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BOOK FOUR

LIFE AND RESPONSIBILITY

Fritz Perls (founder of Gestalt Therapy) defined guilt as... Resentment. He defined resentment as... Anger on the surface of the skin. He was right on both counts. You know why you feel guilty about not writing Aunt Martha? Because you resent having to write Aunt Martha! And you feel guilty about smoking Because you resent being told you can't smoke. You feel guilty about not making anything of yourself, Because you resent your parents for saying you had to make something of yourself. Next time you start feeling guilty about something, Ask yourself: "What am I feeling resentment about?" Learn to deal with the resentment and you will never feel guilty again. How do you deal with resentment? It's nothing but a form of anger. Deal with the anger and you can get rid of the resentment. How do you deal with anger? Read on!

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42. Anger and fear are your body's natural response to outside threat. When we are threatened, we respond exactly the way our ancestors did. We prepare to defend ourselves. Our body undergoes some natural changes. First, the body begins to make more energy available. Adrenaline is pumped into the body. The heart begins beating more rapidly and more strongly. Second, the body prepares to cool itself in response to the extra heat. We begin breathing rapidly and shallowly. Our blood vessels move closer to the skin. Third, the body gets into a posture of defense. Our shoulders hunch forward. Our arms come forward. We are ready to respond to the threat. Fight or flight. All this happens to you whenever you feel threatened. Whether it's a life-endangering threat or not. This is why you can get an ulcer from worrying, Or depression from a bad relationship. The body keeps going through physical change to respond to a threat that never is defined. Too much adrenaline. Too much oxygen. Too many tight muscles. Add up to stress.

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43. Anger and fear are the same emotion. A response to threat. The only difference is how you choose to react to the threat. Okay. Here you are, facing a cave bear with nothing but a big stick to defend yourself. (Well, maybe you'll never face a cave bear, but your ancestors probably did.) What are you going to do about it? Your body is ready. Lots of adrenaline so you have lots of energy. Lots of oxygen to cool you off. Your muscles are all tense and ready to go. If you think you are strong enough to defeat the cave bear with that stick. Fight. You adopt a posture with the shoulders thrust forward and up. Hands out wide. Your voice goes up in volume and down in tone. I'M ANGRY! But... If you think you might not be able to defeat the cave bear. Flight. You adopt a posture with the shoulders forward and down. Hands close to the sides. Your voice goes down in volume and up in tone. I'm afraid! The first is anger. The second is fear. They're both the same thing.

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44. Anger is that state of mind when you decide to defend yourself. Anger is the striking-back aspect of the single emotion we call anger-fear. Angry people want to hit. They want to destroy. They want to get rid of the threat actively. The purpose of anger is to get rid of a threat. But what if the threat isn't real? What if it's only an imaginary threat? Pete is a professional football player. He weighs nearly 300 pounds. His father pushed him all his life to be the best. His mother didn't oppose his dad, even when Pete was crying inside, when he needed someone to step in and say: that's enough. Now Pete is married to a timid little woman who acts a lot like his mother. And when he gets frustrated at the world for not understanding him, He strikes out at his mother. Only his mother isn't here. His wife is. The threat is imaginary. It was real when he was a child. Now he wants to hurt someone the way he was hurt. His wife could be seriously injured -- or killed. Anger tries to eliminate the threat -- even when the threat isn't real. Aggressiveness is the result of anger.

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45. Fear is that state of mind where you try to escape from the threat. Fear is the running-away-from aspect of that single emotion we call anger-fear. Frightened people want to run away. They want to get away from the threat. The purpose of fear is to remove oneself from the source of threat. Nowadays, when the threats usually aren't real, People often hide themselves inside themselves. They cut themselves off from the world. They cut themselves off from their emotions. They run from perceived threats by using drugs or alcohol or sickness or other people. They die a little bit inside themselves. They hurt themselves. Fear tries to escape the threat, even when the threat isn't there. Inaction is the result of fear.

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46. There is an alternative to fight or flight: Humans have the ability to talk about it. To others and to themselves. Rarely are we moderns really confronted with a life-threatening situation. Our "threats" are more likely imaginary. Not real threats at all. (When was the last time someone pulled a knife on you?) Luckily, we have a way of dealing with threats, real or imaginary. We can talk about them. Negotiate. Instead of responding aggressively or passively to a threat, We can always talk it out. (Though if someone pulls a knife on me, I'm going to run!) We can assert our rights if the perceived threat is outside ourselves. Stand up for ourselves. We can recognize our fantasies if the perceived threat is inside ourselves. Take responsibility for our own feelings. We can neutralize the threat with words. Most animals can't do that. It's one of the "perks" of being human.

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47. You are never a threat to yourself. (Except in fantasy) You say you are only angry at yourself? Impossible! You can never be a threat to yourself, Unless you are living in fantasy. (Like if you're psychotic or neurotic.) Our species would not have reached this point if "normal" people killed other people. Or if "normal" people killed themselves. Early in our evolution, every human being was necessary for the survival of the species. Only people who live in fantasy are a threat to themselves. If you think you are angry with yourself, you are really angry at some fantasy inside your own mind. Some voice inside from your past. Perhaps a parent's voice that says: "Who do you think you are, anyway?" Or: "You'll never amount to anything, you know." Or: "Why couldn't you have been as pretty as your sister." These are imaginary threats but it's perfectly normal to be angry at them. And to use words to understand them. It isn't normal to turn that anger in on yourself.

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48. When we turn that anger in on ourselves, We become depressed. That's the classic definition of depression: Anger turned inward. A depressed person thinks that he or she is angry at himself or herself. When actually they are angry at a parent, a spouse, a boss. A depressed person feels out of control. After all, when you think your biggest threat is you, You are out of control. Depression is the result of an individual failing to take responsibility for their own feelings... Failing to take responsibility for their own thinking process... Failing to take responsibility for their own ability to handle stress. Knowing that you can never be a threat to yourself... Knowing you can decide what you want to think at any time... Knowing you can own your parents inside your own mind... Can be freeing, power-giving tools. You can never be depressed if you take responsibility for your own thoughts, choices and actions.

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49. You are only responsible for the things you can control. That's right. You are not responsible for what you can't control. You can't control other people's actions. You are not responsible for them. You can't control other people's feelings. You are not responsible for them. You can't control what happened in the past. You are not responsible for the past. Responsibility is based on the ability to act. If you can't act on something, you can't be responsible for it. Have you ever had a boss who made you "responsible" for a project, But didn't give you the authority to carry it out? Such a boss is called a "crazy maker." The situation is an impossible one. Without the ability to act, there can be no responsibility. If you can't do anything about a situation, You cannot be responsible for it.

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50. The only things you can control are: Everything you do ... Everything you feel ... In the present time ... In the present place ... You control everything you do, in the here-and-now. No cop-outs. You are responsible for all your actions. You can control your feelings. You are never truly "out of control." The person who "loses his temper" and goes "off the deep end" ... Is simply finding an excuse not to be responsible. Acting out of "passion" is just another cop-out. Everything that you do right now, right here ... You are responsible for. But anything out of this time and place. The past, the future, another location ... You are not responsible for. Because you have no control over them.

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51. This means, of course, that you are totally responsible for everything you do, In the here and now. Everything. Every action, every thought, every feeling, every intention. No one can ever make you mad or sad or miserable ... Or even happy. The only one responsible for you is you. Even so-called accidents are usually things we do to ourselves. Most illnesses are the result of individual will. Many of the actions of the people around us are often our responsibility. If I choose to live with a violent person, 'm going to have to accept responsibility for being hurt, sooner or later... If I choose to live with a dishonest person, I must accept responsibility for being cheated, sooner or later... Because you are responsible for everything you do, You must act in your own best interests at all times. No one else is going to.

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52. You are responsible for creating Loving relationships in your life. You can't make anyone love you. You can't force someone to stay with you. You can't manipulate anyone into liking you. Yet you are responsible for finding love in your life. We do that by learning how to love. I am responsible for creating an environment in which love may blossom... By accepting other people the way they are, By surrounding myself with positive people, By practicing "live and let live," And never putting myself down in order to have a relationship. I create a loving place. And wait for love to find me.

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