Jack of the Jungle
Rel Prince
PG-13
Stargate/Voyager crossover
Disclaimer: Stargate belongs to whoever it belongs to (brain has taken a permanent vacation atm) Voyager belongs to Paramount, Loincloths belong to Tarzan
Notes: For Clare because I’ve owed her this fic for sooooooooo long. If the rank thing is wrong I’m sorry but military ranks aren’t my speciality.
A failed mission has trapped Jack on a planet, though from his perspective only a few years have passed because time moves slower on the planet hundreds of years have passed off the planet.
“Who are you?” asked Captain Janeway staring at the man standing on the transporter platform with a monkey on his shoulder. It was kind of difficult not to stare because he was wearing nothing but a loincloth. Looking disoriented he answered, “My name is Colonel Jack O’Neill. I’m with the US airforce.” Janeway raised an eyebrow “You’re from…earth.” He nodded “Yes. What planet you from?” With a frown she answered “Earth.” He snorted slightly “I don’t think so, we don’t have people on earth like you. Or technology like this…unless I’ve missed some major advances or something. You sure your from Earth?” Janeway nodded and he nodded, but seemed totally confused all the same “Hey…who the hell are you anyway?” Throwing him a slightly bewildered look she answered “Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager.” He frowned at the words ‘Federation’ and ‘Starship’ but answered “Captain? Right, I outrank you then…” She interrupted him sharply “I don’t think so ‘Colonel’. That’s an outdated military term that hasn’t been used in hundreds of years…unless you’re a Rear-Admiral, Fleet-Admiral or Admiral, you don’t outrank me.” His eyes widened “WHAT? What date is it? Scrap that what century is it? How long was I down there?” Chakotay answered, “It’s the 24th century.” He closed his eyes “Crap.” When he opened them again he noted their confused looks “What? You don’t swear in this century?” Janeway answered “Not much.” Muttering to himself he stepped off the platform and adjusted his loincloth “So your trying to tell me there’s no US airforce anymore?” She shook her head “No, we have the Federation now, the United Federation of Planet’s that is, and our primary mission is peaceful exploration.” He didn’t comment but instead was looking at Tuvok’s phaser “What the hell is that? Some kind of zat gun? We had those in my century…guess being ‘peaceful’ explorers you didn’t really develop much weapons technology huh?” He began to walk out of the transporter room with his monkey at his heel. Always eager to learn more about the 20th century Tom followed him out “Nice monkey.” Jack flicked his eyes toward him “Thanks, I call him Space Monkey after a friend of mine. Who’re you?” Tom grinned “Ensign Tom Paris, helmsman. And I’m a big fan of the 20th century, you know, you’re a really lucky guy to have lived there.” Jack shrugged and they walked in silence for a while before Tom finally came out with “So…nice loincloth.” Jack stopped in his tracks “Hey buddy, don’t dis the loincloth. I mean you look like your wearing pyjamas and your putting down what I’m wearing?” Tom held up his hands “Sorry didn’t think you’d be so touchy about it.” They walked in on silence until Jack said “So what do you guys do for fun round here then?”
Later that night Jack and Tom were sat on bar stools in Sandrine’s, Jack had insisted on introducing Tom to the joys of ‘real’ alcohol because he didn’t like the sound of that synthol stuff. So Tom had spent all his replicator rations on some whiskey and some stuff called ‘Malibu’. Needless to say they were both pretty pissed after not very long. “I love B’Yanna I weally do but she’s so…ob…ob…um…involved with her work.” Jack lifted his head a few centimetres off of the bar to mumble, “At least you get a bloody girlfriend.” Tom spilt his drink “ Whoops…have to say ‘bloody’s’ probably about right, you should the injuries I’ve got from…” Jack grunted “You’re a great guy Tom…pass the whiskey.”
The next morning they were both in sickbay “Dehydration causing a severe headache…in layman’s terms a ‘hangover’” The Doctor explained to the Captain “I’ve given them something to kill the pain and they’ll be fine…just please do something to try and talk this ‘O’Neill’ out of that loincloth, I’m sure it’s not good for his health to have an animal skin wrapped around his middle.” Janeway promised to talk to him about it and turned to go “Oh and Captain…” Janeway turned back to see the monkey clinging to the Doctor’s head “Could we please do something about this monkey!”
“No.” Janeway smiled as nicely as she could “It’s not good for your health Colonel…our replicators will make any kinds of clothes you want.” O’Neill shook his head “I’ve seen what you people call clothes. The loincloth stays.” Janeway sighed “Aren’t you cold? Besides you stand out too much…your causing to much distraction on the ship, it’s disrupting it’s running. It could have a devastating effect if we were attacked.” She was really clutching at straws now and she knew it. He laughed shortly “Captain, I doubt that even if I ran around this ship in my birthday suit it would make any difference to it’s running.” Janeway glared “The bottom line is, the loincloth goes. This is my ship and you will follow my orders.” Finally he nodded, though Janeway didn’t like that glint in his eye. She had a feeling that he wasn’t going to take this lying down “Good, well I’ll get Chakotay to pick out something suitable for you.” Jack got up and walked out of the ready room. He wasn’t going to let her order him around like that, if he wanted to wear a loincloth he was going to damn well wear a loincloth and no ‘Starfleet’ captain was going to stop him. Walking up to Tom he muttered, “I need your help with something…”
“…and this is the bridge where…” Jack was completely bored, the kid showing him around ‘Vorik’ was possible the least interesting person he’d ever met. But at least asking for that tour had got him onto the ‘bridge’, now the fun was really gonner start. Catching Tom’s eye he nodded subtly and saw him tap his commbadge and mutter something into it. A transporter beam washed over the room leaving all the men dressed in loincloths and the women in dresses made of practically the same material “Hey, looks like I don’t stand out so much now.” Jack shouted to Janeway who simply glared at him, trying to look as imposing as she could while totally aware her commander was staring down the rather low loincloth dress. Turning and storming into her ready room she yelled to Chakotay “Find a way to send him back wherever he came from. I want him off my ship!”
“So finally figured out that if we ran the power through the plasma relays to the transporters while creating a simultaneous burst of power from our nacelles we could open a small hole in the space time continuum and using the targeting scanners to the program the destination point we could send him back to the time just after he got stranded on the planet.” B’Elanna finished and Janeway nodded approvingly, while Jack stared at her his eyes slightly glazed “You really sound like Carter and like with her I have no idea what the hell you just said but so long as it gets me home I don’t care.” Tom put out his hand “It’s been a pleasure meeting you Jack.” Jack shook his hand “You to Tom…Ok I’m ready to go.” B’Elanna nodded “Ok, just stand on the transporter platform…no not there…behind you Colonel O’Neill.” Jack stepped up onto the platform (in his loincloth again now… Janeway hadn’t beaten him on that issue) “Well it’s been…great. But no offence or anything I’m damn glad I’m not gonner live to see this century.” Janeway grinned “And I’m just as glad you won’t.” He grinned back and waved his hand slightly “Ok…’energise’ me then.” B’Elanna his the button on her console “Energising.” He disappeared and everyone apart from Tom breathed a sigh of relief. Then the console gave an ominous sounding beep and B’Elanna frowned “Oh no…” Janeway raised an eyebrow “ ‘Oh no’?” Looking embarrassed B’Elanna explained “I think I accidentally sent him to an alternate universe…”
He blinked and looked around, this definitely wasn’t the SGC. For a start there were pictures of him on all the walls. What was this place? Where the hell had Janeway sent him? “OH MY GOD!!!!” He whirled, ready to defend himself if necessary. A girl was standing in the doorway, wide eyed with shock and delight “R…R…Richard D, D, D, Dean Anderson.” She gasped pointing at him. He backed away from her with his hands up “No…I think you got the wrong person…my name is Colonel Jack O’Neill, now if I could just use your phone…” That had obviously been the wrong thing to say because the girl let out a shriek of joy and flung herself on him “Erm…yeah…could you please let me go? I need to contact…hey your hurting me here!” The girl seemed lost in her own little world, and didn’t appear to hear him “Oh for crying out loud…” Suddenly a transporter beam swept over him, taking him back to Voyager. The girl, Clare, fell over. Leaping up she looked wildly around “NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRING BACK MY JACK!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
Jack stood back on the transporter platform “For crying out loud are you trying to get me killed, that girl was nuts! Don’t send me back there; I’d rather stay here than go back to that mad house. At least you guys don’t try to kill me! Or at least not openly” B’Elanna made a few adjustments to the transporters “Don’t worry it shouldn’t happen again…I just forgot to specify the correct targeting program for the scanners to use so they could tell which reality was the proper one.” Jack raised an eyebrow “Ah. Of course.” He shook his head “So…will those things you said get me back to the right reality then?” B’Elanna nodded “Should do.” Pressing a few buttons she sent him on his way a second time
This time he knew he was in the SGC straight away, he materialised on the ramp leading up to the Stargate “Colonel!” He turned around to see Sam, Daniel and Teal’c standing to his left “But…we just left you on the planet…we couldn’t find you…how?” Daniel asked with a confused frown on his face Jack help up his hands “Look no more questions at the moment ok…it’s all very long and complicated and hell I don’t understand most of it myself.” He started to walk down the ramp before Sam called out “Sir!” He turned around “Yes Carter?” She smiled slightly “One more question?” Sighing, he nodded. She hesitated slightly before saying “Why are you wearing a loin cloth?”