The Lady of the Forks: The Fellowship of the cutlery p1/?

By Rel Prince

PG-13

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything or anyone

Dedication: For Charon because she let us stay round her house and create lunacy in her hometown ;)

 

 Janeway stared at the padd in disbelief  “So you’re trying to tell me what exactly?” Chakotay stood in front of her desk; hands clasped behind his back “That sentient cutlery is trying to take over Voyager.” Janeway stared at him blankly “Sentient cutlery? Chakotay you haven’t been licking the gel packs again have you?” He looked highly offended by the last comment, “ Hey, I only did that once and everyone’s branded me an idiot, it’s not fair.” Janeway smiled sympathetically and said “Chakotay, you are an idiot.” Sulking Chakotay stormed over to the window, where he stood with his back to her “Oh come on, you are! I mean last week you turned up on the bridge in your boxer shorts because you forgot to put on your trousers. Yesterday you even forgot where the bridge was and ended up in the Hydroponics Bay!” There was no response from the sullen Chakotay, so Janeway sighed and continued, “So, do we know anything else about this…cutlery?” He didn’t turn round “It’s leader is a human woman named Charon and her second in command is a fork who informed us his name is Frodo.” Janeway’s eyebrows shot up so high they nearly disappeared under her hair “Oh…so it’s talking sentient cutlery is it now? Seriously Chakotay you haven’t been near the gel packs have you?” Janeway realised that had been the wrong thing to say when Chakotay became dead silent and refused to talk to her. Finally she apologised “Look Chakotay I’m sorry ok? But remember what happened last time you licked the gel packs? You hallucinated little green elves who told you to burn Tuvok’s quarters, streak through engineering and try and get off with me.” Chakotay’s answer was so quiet she almost didn’t hear it “Yes. The elves told me to do it. It wasn’t me, it was all the elves. That’s right.” Janeway frowned and made a mental note to book Chakotay in for a psychiatric evaluation when this was over. Suddenly Chakotay remembered why they were arguing and asked, “Do you believe me yet?” Janeway nodded and he grinned “Oh Kathryn you do trust me and value my opinion!!” Janeway looked uncomfortable “Well…actually I was Tuvok’s authorisation code on and knew it had to be for real. Now don’t start sulking Chakotay, we need to go talk to this cutlery.”

 

Soon they found themselves in the messhall (where the cutlery had set up it’s base) surrounded by every utensil imaginable. Chakotay stooped down and spoke to the nearest spoon “Take us to your leader!” The spoon conferred with the fork standing next to it and replied “We can take you to the Lady of the Forks who can answer your questions. Alas the second leader, the magnificent and all-powerful ‘Great Spoon of the Universe’ isn’t here yet.” Janeway nodded and the spoon hopped off, indicating for them to follow it. In Neelix’s kitchen sat a human woman with deep red curly hair, which was intricately decorated with plastic forks. As she got up to greet them Janeway noticed her dress was also made almost entirely of plastic forks “Greeting’s Janeway, captain of Voyager renowned throughout the universe for her bravery and wisdom. Greetings Chakotay, commander of Voyager renowned throughout the universe for his stupidity and great arse.” Chakotay looked like he wasn’t sure whether he should be flattered or annoyed while Janeway sneakily checked out his arse. Wow, she’d forgotten exactly how nice it was. “I am Charon, one of the five great cutlery leaders! We have commandeered your vessel to wait for the greatest and wisest of all the leaders. With her she will bring the one tea strainer,” The Lady of the Forks dropped her voice “This tea strainer is the one tea strainer, the tea strainer that can be used to control all cutlery and rule the cutlery universe. It is very difficult to resist the temptation of the one tea strainer.” At those words Janeway shot a look at Chakotay “So long as it’s not a blonde tea strainer we should be fine,” Charon nodded, causing her forks to rattle “Once the Great Spoon of the Universe has arrived, the chosen ones will take the one tea strainer to it’s new secret resting place. You should expect the arrival of the Miscellaneous Cutlery Mistress, Queen of the Knives and the One Leader of the Teaspoons, as well as the Sacred Bearer of the Sacred One Tea Strainer.” Chakotay leaned over to Janeway and whispered, “These guys are big on titles aren’t they? And why is it always ‘one’ something? Why never the ‘second sacred tea strainer’ or whatever?” Suddenly from the messhall there began a slow chant “Spoon! Spoon! Spoon, spoon, spoon!” Charon, Lady of the Forks, leapt up “The Great Spoon of the Universe draws near!” Janeway and Chakotay exchanged a wary look before following her into the messhall. Around them the chanting grew louder as an unearthly bright light filled the messhall. Finally the figure of a human began to appear in the midst of the brightness. In a final bust of sound and light the figure solidified. Before them stood a woman dressed in a white top and white trousers with spoons hung decoratively about her person. All the cutlery fell to the ground, still muttering “spoon…spoon…”. The woman glided regally through the crowd to where Charon, Janeway and Chakotay stood “I am the Great Spoon of the Universe,” she declared before winking and Chakotay and saying “But you can call me Becci!” She pinched his arse and then led the way to the kitchen leaving Janeway to comment to a rather shell-shocked Chakotay “Wow, your arse really is universe renowned.”

 

Will the one tea strainer be taken safely to it’s new home? Will Chakotay stop licking the gel packs? Will everyone they meet pinch Chakotay’s arse?

 

Find out in the nest instalment of ‘The Fellowship of the Cutlery’