Broken

Rel Prince

PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own them unfortunately they belong to Paramount.

Dedicated: To Becci for betaing and Daya for given me her opinion character-wise

 

 

She was frustrated, frustrated with life in general but mostly frustrated with Chakotay. He was late again. They were supposed to be meeting for lunch at a small cafe in San Francisco that had become a favourite of there's. It wasn't the fact he was late as much as the fact she knew why he was late. His new girlfriend, Gillian Williams, took up a lot of his time. Kathryn simply couldn't understand why he even liked her, sure she was sickeningly beautiful, a brilliant biologist and had a witty sense of humour but beyond that…   Kathryn sighed, ok so maybe she wasn't entirely sure what it was she disliked so intensely about Gillian but there was definitely something. She was just looking out for Chakotay, after all they were best friends and that was what best friends were supposed to do wasn't it? Look out for one another. She just didn't want to see him get hurt. Impatient she checked the time again. He was half an hour late! He'd sent her a message this morning saying he might be slightly late as he was going to meet Gill's family and didn't know how long they would keep him, so would she wait for him? Wait for him? Not likely. If she hadn't known he was off with Gillian maybe but no, she refused to take a back seat to his girlfriend. Really it was so unlike Chakotay to forget about his friends for some blonde bimbo she thought angrily. Well, she wasn't go to sit here like an idiot. She was going home and Chakotay could go hang for all she cared. He had to learn he simply could not treat his friends like this! She picked up her bag and stormed out of the cafe. It wasn't all Chakotay though; she conceded most of it was Gillian's fault. She was trying to change him, keep him away for all his old friends.  Kathryn had known this ever since he'd told her he had to work the day of her mother's birthday which she'd invited him to but when she checked with Starfleet they'd said he'd had the day off. Said something about spending it with his girlfriend. That showed just how much she meant to him didn't it? Gillian was more important to him than her, he didn't care they'd been best friends for eight years, he loved Gillian more than he loved her........ she stopped short. Where had that come from? That didn't matter, she wasn't bothered if Chakotay loved Gillian, not really even though she didn't think he should. Besides Chakotay had never loved her. No she wasn't worried about that she was worried about the fact he was forgetting all about his old friends, making excuses not to spend time with them. That’s what she was really worried about. He shouldn't forget his friends, he shouldn't. A tiny voice inside her head said 'That’s not really the reason is it Kathryn? If it were you wouldn't feel like you wanted to punched the sickly sweet smile right off her face every time you saw her.' Kathryn tried to ignore the voice. It IS the reason. Then why do you feel like crying every time you see them together? Go away I don't have to answer to you. You know the reason even if you won't admit it. She shook her head and continued walking.

 After getting to the transport sight and having to wait ten minutes for a transport home, she dragged herself into her mother's house in Indiana. Nobody was home at the moment; her mother and Phoebe had gone to some art festival thing. And that was fine with her all she wanted right now was to be alone. She noticed the communications console in the wall was flashing  to indicate they had messages. Having nothing better to do she wandered over and told it to play them. The first one was from Tuvok, saying something about the repairs and upgrades to Voyager. Kathryn saved it to listen to later when she was in a more 'captain' mood. Two were Phoebe's. The last, as she had suspected it might be, was from Chakotay. "Kathryn? I was at the cafe at 12:45 but you'd left I think. I know I was 45 minutes late but I've waited there for you for two hours before when you had a briefing to attend. So you could have done me the courtesy of waiting at least." He sounded quite angry and Kathryn felt oddly satisfied yet sad at the same time. She shouldn't have just left she should have waited....... "Look I really am sorry but I was having such a nice time round Gill's parents I completely lost track of the time." She felt angry again, remembering why she'd left in the first place "Are you ok? This isn't like you, I'm quite worried Kathryn. Contact me as soon as you get this, I'll be in all night." Her hand automatically went to the console to contact him but she stopped. If he couldn't be bothered to turn up to their lunch then she sure as hell couldn't be bothered to contact him. It was less than an hour before Chakotay contacted her again "Look Kathryn whatever it is I've done to upset you I'm sorry ok? Please just contact me and we'll organise another lunch, I promise to be on time to this one. Or maybe you'd like to come with me to the Culture Conference on Tuesday? I have two tickets." Kathryn sat upright at this. The Culture Conference was a celebration of the galaxy’s different cultures and she'd last attended it before they got thrown into the Delta Quadrant. She would love to go!! Then she was struck by a thought that made her sick to the bottom of her stomach. Gillian. She'd mentioned wanting to go to the Conference one time her and Chakotay had been to see her. Chakotay had said he'd take Gillian but last time Kathryn met her she'd being moaning about not being able to get the time off from her work. Chakotay had brought the ticket for Gillian..................she was his second choice. Kathryn stifled a sob, as her eyes stung with tears. There was no way she could accept the ticket knowing he'd intended to take Gillian, that he'd wanted to take Gillian, that even as they admired the Bolian paintings and listen to the Vulcan musical compositions he was wishing that he was there with Gillian instead of her... She picked up her pillow and threw it hard against the wall. She hated her. She hated him. She hated them.

The next day at Starfleet Headquarters, Kathryn was being careful to avoid Chakotay. She couldn't face him. However fate conspired against her and she rounded a corner and walked right into him "Kathryn!" Chakotay looked relieved to see her "Oh, hi." she replied unenthusiastically attempting to side step him and continue walking. He moved in front of her though, a confused frown on his face "Kathryn?" A cadet came round the corner and bumped into them, causing Chakotay to turn away for a split second. Kathryn took advantage of that and slipped past him, ordering the door of her office to shut when he tried to follow her. He quickly over rode the door lock and stormed in "Ok, Kathryn what is wrong with you? Are you that offended that I turned up late?" She gave him an icy glare but didn't answer, he sighed, "Have you given any thought to whether you'd like to come on Tuesday?" Pushing past him to get to the door she said, "Oh sorry I won't be able to make it, I'm so snowed under with work." She didn't look at him knowing he would see the lie in her eyes. "Damn it Kathryn, I know exactly what your workload is like and you could take one day off to attend the conference with me!! I thought you liked the Culture Conference?" She kept walking "I did. Now if you'll excuse me I have a lecture to give." And with that she disappeared into a turbolift.

Sitting in her office after her lecture it was all she could do not to cry. She was losing her best friend. Maybe Gillian had pulled them apart but she only widening the gap further by being petty and jealous..... her eyes widened. Jealous? I'm not jealous! Am I? No I just don't like Gillian it’s a lot different from being jealous. I'll just leave a message for Chakotay to get when he gets home telling him I've been having a bad week and I was just taking it out on him and that I'm sorry and I'd love to organise another lunch. That’s what she'd do and he'd forgive her and they'd be able to go back to being friends like they'd always been. That's what she'd do.

Unfortunately Chakotay didn't buy it for a second. He left a message on her home console saying he knew her well enough to know she wasn't just having a bad week. He asked her to contact him and he promised they'd talk it through and sort it out. Kathryn was horrified at the prospect. If she contacted him she'd have to tell him the real reason she's been avoiding him...........which was what exactly? She wasn't even sure. And if she couldn't explain it to herself then she sure as hell couldn't explain it to Chakotay. She decided to ignore his message.

" And whenever I call she ignores my messages." Gillian smiled "Sounds to me like she's jealous sweetheart." Chakotay looked incredulous "Kathryn? Jealous? You've got to be kidding." Gillian shook her head "I could tell the first time I saw her that she was jealous of me and you." Chakotay stared at her for a moment "But.........it’s Kathryn...she can't be jealous of us. There's no way! She was never jealous of any of my other relationships, I was always the one.................." he stopped suddenly but Gillian knew what he'd been about to say 'I was always the one who was jealous of her relationships'. She didn't comment, just filed away this information for use later. Maybe, it occurred to her, she hadn't taken this 'Kathryn' seriously enough as a threat. She'd been far more concerned with that blonde Borg but it seemed Chakotay was rather attached to his captain. She wondered if he was also attracted to her. It didn't seem possible, she was a sharp looking woman but then men were attracted to the strangest things. She'd have to keep a close eye on this and see how things developed, try and figure out a way to get 'Kathryn' out of the picture. "Well I think you ought to leave it. Let the whole thing blow over." She knew if he did that his friend would probably assume he didn't care. She felt a little mean about this; Kathryn seemed like a nice enough woman and all but how did the old saying go 'All's fair in love and war'. Chakotay nodded in agreement "Yeah maybe that’s best." Gillian nodded "I'm sure it is. Just give her some space and I'm sure she'll forget about the whole thing."

 

She couldn't believe it. She wasn't the one avoiding Chakotay; he was going out of his way to avoid her now! She'd been sitting alone at a table in their favourite cafe when she's seen him walking up. She'd ducked her head pretending she hadn't seen him, preparing herself for the inevitable confrontation. But he'd walked right past her, ignoring her like she'd done him. She felt devastated and stared after him in disbelief. Oh god she'd ruined their friendship forever, he hated her. He'd given her a chance to put everything right, last night but she'd been too stupid to accept it. Tears blurred her eyesight and she blinked them away. She would not cry. Despite her best efforts a tear fell down and she quickly wiped it away. She repeated fiercely to herself that if he didn't care she didn't care either. She looked across to his table at the same moment he looked towards hers. Their eyes met and locked for a split second. Then he dropped his gaze back down. He studiously avoided looking at her again. A few minutes later, she watched as Gillian walked up to Chakotay's table, kissing him. Her stomach twisted and she felt physically sick. Ignoring them totally was the only way she could stop herself from falling to pieces completely. "Oh Kathryn!!" Gillian shrieked in mock delight. Oh god no, she prayed silently. "Kathryn what are you doing sitting there all by yourself? You've got to join us!" Gillian was beaming and Kathryn hated her more than ever "Oh no I wouldn't want to impose." she protested but it was no good she was practically dragged over to their table. She noticed Chakotay giving Gillian a very confused look before turning to her and saying very formally "Hello Kathryn." She didn't answer, just nodded. She sat there for thirty torturous minutes. "Kathryn, you seem down is there anything I can do to help??" Gillian asked. You could leave my best friend alone she thought angrily but answered, "No, I'm fine." through gritted teeth "Kathryn, if something was wrong you would tell us wouldn't you?" Chakotay said suddenly leaning forward and looked into her eyes as if desperately searching for something. She looked away, not wanting him to see what she knew they'd show. He looked sad and sank back into his chair. Kathryn muttered something about a Starfleet meeting and left without looking back.

After she got home, she cried until she couldn't anymore. She realised, she'd just pushed Chakotay away again without even knowing what she was doing. She replayed the whole incident in the cafe, wishing she could go back and put everything right. Why was she behaving like this? Why did she need Chakotay so badly that she couldn't bear to share him with anyone else even his girlfriend. Why did she hate Gillian? Why was she acting like a spoiled brat? Why did she get an almost physical pain when she saw him kiss Gillian? Why couldn't she just tell him she loved him? There she'd finally admitted to herself. Truthfully she'd known, subconsciously, since New Earth that she was in love with him. And she'd know she was attracted to him since the first time he beamed onto her ship. The question was what was she going to do about it? She couldn't tell him, couldn't ask him to choose between her and Gillian. Because in her heart she knew he'd choose Gillian. Maybe if she'd told him four years ago things would have been different but she'd rejected his advances for to long too expect him to give up everything just because she had finally realised, after all these years she really did love him. How could she continue being friends with him when every time she looked at him she saw the opportunity for love that she'd lost. She couldn't, she couldn't continue being friends with him. The door buzzer went and she sat up in shock. Her mother and Phoebe were supposed to be away at that art festival for a good three days yet. Maybe they decided to come home early. She stood up and opened the door. Chakotay was standing there "Chakotay!" she gasped, wondering briefly whether to just shut the door in his face "Can I come in?" he asked, and she detected an edge to his voice that implied he was still angry. However she couldn't leave him standing on her doorstep. Holding the door open she motioned for him to come through.

When she'd opened the door, he noticed her eyes were swollen and puffy like she'd been crying since she left the cafe. That really worried him. Of course he was still upset that she didn't trust him enough to tell him what was bothering her. Walking into her lounge he couldn't help but remember the last time he'd been here, with her mother sharply warning him to stay away from her daughter. "Kathryn please tell me what’s wrong!" he practically begged her. He couldn't bear to argue with her. She looked thoughtful for a second before saying "The only thing I have to say to you Chakotay is, if you can't be bothered to spend time with your friends, well then I can't be bothered to be your friend.” He stared at her in shock. What did she mean? He always made time for her. Hadn't he cancelled his dinner with Gillian two weeks ago, to go visit her? He started to feel angry, she had no right to demand all his time! Especially when she'd never had enough time to acknowledge his feelings for her all the time they'd been on Voyager. And now he finally found someone that he loved and who loved him back, she thought he wasn't spending enough time with her and wanted to end their friendship. "You’re telling me you want to stop being friends just because I don't spend every waking moment with you?? I have other friends Kathryn! I have a girlfriend! Unlike on Voyager I have a life!!" He saw a flash of something in her eyes that he couldn't interpret "If you prefer your new friends and your girlfriend to me then why don’t you go bother them instead of me? I won't stop you." He stood up "Fine then I will and don't expect me to come back." He stormed out into the night.

He was gone. She'd finally pushed him too far and he'd left. That had been her aim all along wasn't it? To get him out of her life and to spare herself any unnecessary heartache? Well it had worked apart for the part about sparing her heartache. She felt terrible, hurt and lonely. She wanted to run after him and tell him her true feelings. But she wouldn't. Instead she's just sit here and cry some more, hoping it wouldn't hurt quite so much in the morning.

He sat there, staring out of the window, eyes unseeing. Gillian had left to teach her class about an hour ago and he hadn't moved since then. He couldn't believe it, eight years of friendship thrown away in a few moments of anger. Could this really be the end of it? "Darling have you been sitting there all morning?" Gillian's voice made him turn briefly "Yes." She looked quite shocked "Whatever's the matter?" He sighed impatiently "I told you, I had an argument with Kathryn and she basically told me she never wanted to see me again." Gillian attempted to look sympathetic but he could see barely restrained happiness in her face. She'd never liked Kathryn. Why couldn't they be together? Why did he have to go through this? Firstly losing her love when they got back from New Earth, then losing her friendship now. Why after all they'd been through weren't they together?? He felt like standing up and shouting that at the gods. How can you be so cruel as to take away from me the one chance at love I ever had? I could never love Gillian the way I love Kathryn because I'm meant to be with Kathryn and now I can't even see her. He hated whatever was up there with a vengeance for doing this to him. At that moment he would have killed the gods if had meant him and Kathryn could just be together. Blaming it on unknown entities was easier than blaming it on himself  "Chakotay? Are you okay?" He didn't look at her "No. I just lost my best friend, how could I be okay??" "I..." He held up a hand to stop her "Don't tell me you understand, there's no way you could understand. Nobody can understand." He felt her arms around him and didn't bother to push them away. All he could think about was the fact he'd lost Kathryn forever.