1. to talk or write on and on without sticking to any point of
subject. 2. A page dedicated to updates of site, but will most likely drift off to certain points of the writers life, without getting to a point. [Do not speak to the Keera, she tends to ramble.]- ram'bled, ram'bling
how can i express this anger that i'm currently feeling? there is no possible way to do so without continuing to take the role of the bad guy as my sister so willing expresses to others.
it's funny, she so reminds me of a former friend that i had grown to love deeply... perhaps more than a friend. she was so much like my sister, she played the role of the innocent and pushed the blame on others when she truely wanted to hurt people. what's a good example? oh... yes, the time when someone had asked her out, and she in turned had asked me to come to her aid. i did so, i made this man back off in believin' that i was.. well, more than a friend of hers.. it worked, it was succesful.. he had left without another word. only several years later, would i come to learn that this 'friend' of mine would come to blame me. telling this man that she so desperatly wanted out of her hair, that she was simply doing it for my sake, when she in turn really loved him.
it's easy to be used. a person that simply acts like a puppet to get the benifit out of life.. so it seems as if they were denied so much out of life.
i admit that i'm no saint. i'm not meant to have friends, and i'm surprise really that i'm capable of love. my sister hold the same trait, we both have negative engery embracing us. i am mean, i am nasty, i am violent, but that's when i feel as if there has been a great injustice commited. such as my sister has always made me feel.
yes, it's true that i've come to hate all of her bfs. it's a simple tasks when she picks all the dead beats that have no job, barely has any education, and depend on her as a mother, only want to have sex, or even cheat on her [as she did almost commit suicide because one of the guys had been seeing another girl... oh yes, i wonder why i hate all the men she picks]. but it would be a lie if i said i wasn't jealous. it's true that i am, for my sister does have this awful trait of treating you like a worn out toy, throwing you in the closet and expecting you to accept it quietly for her happiness.
and whilst we are on the subject of bfs, perhaps i should go into detail of my own. my bf that is named jim franco. i, like so many, are incapable of expressing emotions in real life, so i found this man online. when we got together, my sister had been barely breaking up with her first bf. i got the sour end of things, as when i finally was able to call him mine, she would hear nothing of it. she didn't care of him and constantly told me not to speak of him infront of her as she was jealous that i had my own when she lost hers..
a year would pass, and we would meet for the first time... and what hell i did pay for the time he did come over for two days. she would wander in and out, glaring at me. and calling me a slut or when she felt like beating around the bush implied it. she would not speak to me for an i don't recall, but i believe it was a week after he came.
he would come to visit several more times, and when she was angry at me she would always call me a slut or a whore. now, my sister and i always call each other whores as a joke, but the look in her eyes and the way her voice was, i knew then that she had meant it. it would only grow worse when i finally met him at his own house in california. when i return she would say, "the reason your anger has susbsided was because you spread your legs." or something along the line. i had to live within her jealousy for over four years.. and how i prayed for her tofind a good man so she could in turn leave me alone... but all she finds are people who have similar traits as my dad and my step dad... all fucking dead beats.
i'm sorry that i'm not able to lie to her.. i'm sorry that she feels ugly and that she will love anyone that comes near her.. that will 'accept' her how she is... i'm sorry that i'm attempting to stear her away from the path that my mother has taken... i'm sorry that i'm not able to find any good in the bfs that she has presented to me... like the boy who was three years younger than herself and racked up his mother's phone bill to more than a thousand dollars.. and constantly spoke a girl he formly loved. i'm sorry that i didn't like this guy who would always seem as if he was interested in her only to disappear on her two days later and never tell her why he never came to the date. i'm sorry that she had a love that cheated on her. i'm sorry that she chose a man that had no education and loved his games and spent more time paying attention to them than her. i'm sorry that she currently has a cheap nerd that has no manners and depends on her like a mother more than a gf... .. and even more so, i feel sorry for her that everytime she expects an opinon of them, she expects me to lie.....
all i can really say to you almis is fuck you... i've tried.. i've sacrificed so fucking much for you.. i've tried to act noble.. i tried not to expect anything in the end, but i can't. i expect more of you.. i expect you to not lay the burden of you bfs on me. i expect you to not forget me when you have another.. i expect you to stop calling yourself ugly.. i expect you to stop calling yourself a puppet and so willingly passing me your goddamn strings... i expect you to have some god damn common sense..
so until then, fuck you. fuck you. i am the bad guy and will forever be until you change/