Chapter One

THE SPY

"Kaoru-dono, is there something the matter?" Came the calming voice of the rurouni.

I looked at Kenshin and gave him a tiny smile. It wasn't very hard. Kenshin could always make me smile, mostly because I morbidly found humor in the fact that somebody so cold-blooded before could be so placid at face value. He still has his demons, just like I do...

I have no doubt in my mind that he is sincere in his quest to atone for his sins of the past, and perhaps it is that fact which endears me to him. We are alike in that, at least.

Though he had taken so many lives, the four I had taken myself continue to haunt me. I dare say that our torment is the same. Unlike him, I can't talk about what I had experienced. I'm not allowed to. Besides, what was I supposed to say?

I know exactly how you feel, I've killed a few myself?

I keep it all inside me, making it fester, turning in my head again and again. I'm not likely to go bananas with the vivid images of the four people I've killed, but it sure can be a bitch at night!

"Nothing's really wrong," I told him in a subdued voice. My years in the Shikeigai has taught me to act expertly. Though I only use it now to disguise what I'm really feeling, I often feel guilty that I end up having to lie to some degree. "I'm just upset about the things I read in the paper. Don't they ever write about anything good?"

Kenshin chuckled and approached me, folding to his knees beside me to salvage what was left of the periodical. "Good news isn't as interesting," he said, tilting his head at me in amusement.

I smiled again, this time a bit brighter. "Mou! That's just plain absurd! The best news is good news," I said brightly.

He reached out and brushed a thumb on my cheek affectionately. "Not everyone's like you, Kaoru-dono."

And to that I say: Thank God! Dishonest little witch that I am.

This personality I show them, it's actually quite true. This is Kamiya Kaoru, that is, before the Bakumatsu. Before the war, I played with dolls, dressed up in my mother's clothes, clamored for my father's attention, and demanded to be called a princess. An ordinary girl, really, except for the fact that I read my first hundred page book at the age of four and recited it verbatim by memory right after.

Sometimes, I think that if I had been a real genius, I would have known enough not to show off. But I was a spoiled brat, and boy did I get what I deserve!

I liked what I was before all the blood and suffering. Of course, I did away with the genius bit. I've learned my lesson when it comes to that. I've re-adapted the sweet and sunshiny personality for these times of peace, for my friends and pseudo-family whom I really do love. I honestly don't think they could stand the child-genius that could spew out profanities like a seasoned sailor, drink like a fish, and beat any man to a five-stud Poker game.

Is it really much of a surprise that after the Bakumatsu I was such a changed child? I went through so much. Spying, acting all hours of the day, putting up with the men, perverts or otherwise...at the tender age of ten, I was officially the proverbial Jaded-Bitch.

No way I would show them that side of me. It isn't very hard. Like I said, the way I am now was me before, only...edited.

Admittedly, I've changed a few aspects about me to fit my lifestyle. I have taken to making inedible food. There was no way I would cook for a whole bunch of people again. Maybe not until I have kids, but until then, they could just eat my slop.

Damn that Shinsengumi. I remember contemplating to put poison in their food. Not to kill them really, just to make all of them very sick, but I knew the wolves would know I was responsible for it, or else they'd blame me and beat me, just because someone had to be blamed and beaten for the discomfort.

I like being the cute Kenjutsu instructor. I like it when I pretend to lash out at Yahiko because he had called me one of those absurd names. I like being cheerful one minute then a violent tomboy the next. I like it that Megumi calls me Tanuki-chan when I act like a naïve idiot. And I love it, deep in my heart, that they consider me to be the soul of our little family.

I especially like it that they think I'm in love with the rurouni.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not in love with Kenshin that way. Not yet, at least. Sure, he's handsome, and sweet and he makes certain I have a warm bath every morning, but I've seen too much of men to let me get away with my feelings so easily.

When he left for Kyoto...that was a close one. I did cry, for real. That wasn't acting, and for goodness sake, that depression...now that I think about it, that was pathetic of me. I had convinced myself that I cared for him more than I should. Thank the gods Megumi was there to knock me to my senses. So I followed him to Kyoto to see if I was really in love with him or if it was just a silly infatuation.

It was an infatuation, in that sense. I do care for him, and I was worried that Shishio would be the end of him, but I was also worried for Sano, and eventually for Yahiko. Kenshin was special at the time because he was in the greatest danger of being killed. They are my family now. I do not want to lose any of my family.

Furthermore, Kenshin is my best friend. If I lose him, I don't know what I'd do, that's why I get so worked up about him leaving. For goodness sake, the baka rurouni just has this lame ass idea that his past would get to all of us. Mou! I really want to deck him for that.

Sometimes I think that if I have to get married, I would marry Kenshin, just because of all of the men I've met, Kenshin is the one I trust the most. Better him than some weirdo I think I've fallen in love with. I'd probably end up hating whoever he is and be miserable for the rest of my life. With Kenshin, that's almost certain not to happen.

I remembered clearly the day Kenshin gave me a ring. It took me about two seconds to realize that the idiot knew nothing about Western practices. So, being the imp that I am, I played along and had loads of fun making him squirm. Men and marriage, really! It's like they have an allergy for commitment or something. It was the most fun I've had since...well, since ever!

There are times that I have this strong urge to tell him what I really feel, just so he'd stop being so uncomfortable when the others tease us. The poor guy ends up squirming and blushing, not knowing what to say. Maybe one of these days.

Right now, I have other things to worry about, like how I'm going to survive this little crisis with the Shikeigai killers.

"Kenshin?"

"Yes?"

"Have you started making dinner yet?"

He seemed surprised that it was already that late. "No....I almost forgot..."

I got to my feet and smiled at him. "I think you need a break. I'll do it." I just love watching him react to my offers of cooking dinner. He always gets this confused look in his eyes that would ask "What am I going to do now?" Kenshin never wants to offend me, yet he cares enough to give everyone an edible meal. He still hasn't figured out the right formula.

"I'll help you, Kaoru-dono," he said, getting up with me.

Mou! In love with him or not, I really hate that "dono" bit. Kenshin, you idiot! Don't you know enough to be less formal with your best friend?

"Are you sure, Kenshin?" I asked, heading out of the dojo. "You can sit this one out. I'll be fine in the kitchen."

"I'm sure you will be, Kaoru-dono, but I feel sad when I know you're alone."

I suppressed a smirk. How sweet, and how lame. My lame and sweet rurouni. He really is such a doll!

Yasushige's death shouldn't have bothered me that much, I guess. I mean, it's not like he was my good friend or anything. The Shikeigai members didn't really have much contact with each other. There was the occasional general meeting, but that was about it. The only one I had close contact with among the other members was Kyosuke, a boy who was stationed with me in the same enemy faction for a few weeks during the last upheavals of the Bakumatsu in 1874. He became sort of my boyfriend, but it's not like we were in love or anything. We were a couple of thirteen-year-olds who merely ran to each other when the abuse the men dealt on us was particularly unbearable. If there would be anybody I'd lament, it would be Kyosuke, even if he was somewhat of a pervert, and at such a young age too! Probably the doing of those pedophiles we were prone to encounter.

Yasushige's murder is really getting to me.

I'm edgy, oftentimes unpleasant, and lately, I've been finding myself slipping into Bakumatsu mode. Yahiko noticed, which pretty much means all the others have noticed it as well.

I'm expecting Kenshin to talk to me about it soon enough.

The "talk" came when I was doing my training in the dojo about a week after I read the terrible news in the paper.

I was training with great intensity, knowing that all of my pent-up fear and anger was being directed at my imaginary opponent.

Kenshin padded into the dojo calmly, sitting himself in the corner to watch me practice. It was kind of unnerving. I knew I could never be like Kenshin in the art of the sword, but I needed to do this. I need to beat the ideals of Kamiya Kasshin into my head. Because...because there are things inside me that just had to go away. Ghosts...demons...take a deep breath Kaoru...

I stopped training to look at him, regaining control of my emotions. "What brings you here, Kenshin?" Skilled though I was in my kenjutsu, Kenshin was indeed a master with his weapon. I could not help but feel inadequate with the sword when he was around.

He smiled and gave me one of his disarmingly innocent looks. "Kaoru-dono, has something been bothering you?"

Well, here it is. What am I supposed to say? I guess I'm going to have to lie again. I wish I didn't have to lie to my best friend all the time. "Nothing, Kenshin. I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

He gave a casual shrug, gesturing for me to sit down. "You've been different these past few days. Your temper's shorter than usual and you've been...talking to yourself when you think no one hears you. Sessha is worried, de gozaru."

Of course he would be. Kenshin is a world class worrywart, especially when it comes to me. When he gets this way, I have the urge to tell him off by saying I lived my life without all of them for at least two years, but that would seem a bit harsh. Having someone worried about me comes with the territory of having family, and I preferred to have a company of worriers than be alone and have no one to care about what happens to me. Loneliness can be a pain in the ass that way.

I sat in front of him and managed a small smile. Would it be so bad to tell him the truth? What was I afraid of, anyway?

Well, I know the answer to that.

He might pick up and leave, that's what. With all the lying I've done and all the secrets I've kept, I wouldn't be surprised if he tells me he could not live with a person who had suddenly become a stranger. Apart from that, how angry would he be if I destroyed the pure and virtuous image he had of me? He always thought of me as some pristine, untouchable girl. It's what he's been protecting all this time. What would he do if he found out that his pristine and untouchable girl did not exist, and that he's been protecting some jaded bitch who's about as innocent as a snake crawling in the grass? Who has a past that can rival his in its trail of blood?

"Kenshin, you don't have to worry about me," I said, grinning at him. "Whatever it is I'm going through, I can handle it by myself, alright?"

He stared at me intently, cocking his head to the side as if it would give him a better view of my eyes.

I looked away with a bit of unease. He really should stop doing that. It gets me thinking too much about...things I shouldn't be thinking about. It's really difficult to act with Kenshin. Between the two of us, I think he is the pure one.

I felt his hand on my chin, lifting my face so that our eyes would meet and I would have no escape. "Kaoru-dono, tell me what's wrong," he asked me in a quiet voice so filled with strength.

Oh, just great. How am I suppose to get away with my colossal whoppers with him staring down at me like that? "I couldn't," I said with the best truth I could muster. "I shouldn't. Kenshin, none of you should get involved in this. I can handle it."

Kenshin raised an eyebrow, letting go of my chin. I took that opportunity to look away again.

If he doesn't let it drop, I swear I'll run.

"If you say so, Kaoru-dono," he said, leaning back on his seat.

Well, that's a surprise. One thing I know about Kenshin is his stubbornness. His giving in so easily only meant that he was planning to do something about it by himself.

I glared at him. "What are you planning to do, Kenshin?" He was not as good at acting as I was.

"Eh? I am planning nothing, Kaoru-dono," he said, flashing his smile again. "Sessha is merely respecting your privacy."

Right.

I restrained myself from telling him that a spy could spot another spy a mile off. Instead I said, "Kenshin, if you had made a habit out of respecting my privacy, you wouldn't be so worried all the time. Just give me ample warning before you do anything stupid, alright?"

"Oro!" Was his response, as usual.

I swear, it's Kenshin's all purpose Save-Your-Ass word. It's what he says when he doesn't know what to say; it's what he says when he knows what to say but doesn't want to say it; and it's also what he says when he figures that whatever he says will do no earthly good for him.

The others think it's what he says when he's surprised. The day Kenshin is surprised is the day I can pull a diamond out of my butt hole. Do they expect me to believe that the skilled and most feared assassin this country has ever known can be surprised by edged retorts and displays of insanity from his circle of friends? It's an act, I tell you.

Cute, but an act.

"Now speaking of privacy," I continued, getting to my feet. "Do you think I could have some? I want to complete my training."

Kenshin smiled but stayed put. "Sessha will stay a while. Sessha promises to stay quiet so as not to interrupt you."

That sneaky...I grit my teeth and glared at him. "In that case, I can train later, when you've left the dojo," I huffed, getting ready to leave.

It did not lessen the brilliance of his smile one bit. "Where are you going, Kaoru-dono?"

Where indeed? Nothing to do in the house. Training was the only thing that I was supposed to do. This rurouni sure knows how to back someone into a corner. If I tell him I'm going to the market, he'd just want to come with me, and so that means I'll have to BUY something. Considering my dwindling treasury, I couldn't afford to put up that kind of act!

"Alright Kenshin. I surrender," I said. He twists arms so subtly. I'll strangle him later, when he knows too much.

Just kidding.

His rurouni grin persisted. "Sessha was not aware of a battle."

I laughed in spite of myself and slapped his arm playfully. "Kenshin! If you want a battle, I'll give you one!"

"Maa...maa..." He said, raising his hands in his signature rurouni way. "Kaoru-dono, sessha is just teasing. Tell me what's bothering you, and maybe sessha can fix it."

"Sessha" can't fix it. I shook my head and looked him straight in the eyes. "Kenshin, oh nosy one, there are some things you just shouldn't get involved in. Please believe me when I say that. I don't know how I'm going to handle this, but I'll think of something. I promise you though, it's not going to...hurt anyone..." else...I added in thought.

Kenshin, ever the perceptive one, saw right through it. His brows knotted more intensely than ever. "If you are in danger, sessha wants to get involved. Please, Kaoru-dono..."

I sighed. "I'll be fine, Kenshin." I can be just as stubborn. Goodness...talk about battles. When it comes to his stubbornness and mine, it can become a full-blown war.

I can make out a temporary cease-fire brewing in his violet gaze. "Very well. Sessha will back out, for now. But I will ask again. Sessha is not in the habit of not caring."

"Boy, do I know it," I muttered.

He chuckled, bowing his head in acquiescence.

I think it was a result of that talk that I became ten times more guarded about my feelings. I wasn't really aware of how much I've been applying my acting skills until I got to bed, exhausted from my efforts.

Kenshin has not asked me about it again all week, which means I did a really good job, because in reality, it's all I've been thinking about. I want to find a way to save my behind, because I like it so very much to part with it.

I thought of going to Saitoh, but then it came to me like, helllloooo! He's the ex-3rd-Squadron-Leader of the Shinsengumi. Might as well serve my unattached head on a silver platter. The Oniwabanshu is an option, but I'm not so keen about the idea of revealing my true history, even to them. They'll keep it from Kenshin, if I ask them to, but the Oniwabanshu members are too close to us. The rurouni will find out for himself. To send a letter might be too dangerous, which means I'll have to go to Kyoto and tell Aoshi face to face. Fat chance anyone not noticing that.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.

Little did I know that the opportunity, or the bombshell (of which I came to call it) would be stepping through my doorstep soon enough.

Oh, it was the worse of days. I had just woken up from one of the most horrible nightmares ever. It started nice enough, and ended in a bloodbath, streaks of red on my palms and fingers. Bodies everywhere. Kenshin's, Yahiko's, Sano's...practically everyone I know, dead at my feet by the hand of some shadow lurking in the darkness. The worse part of it was, I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't move. Nightmares get that way.

Thank goodness when I woke up, I wasn't screaming. I'm not a nightmare screamer, nor am I a nightmare thrasher. Too many nights with the enemy and the will to preserve my life has kept me from that.

Nobody need know I've been having horrible dreams. Even if it does eat me up, the important thing is, nobody gets wind of it.

Of course, from that nightmare, things had to get worse.

My acting skills were in full throttle. I was cheerful, sunshiny, with a perfect semblance of happiness. No one could tell that a storm was raging inside my head, that I was bursting with wracked nerves. It took all of my will power to keep myself under control.

When Yahiko and Sano were fighting over the morsels of food, I thought everything would be fine, then it happened.

Somebody from my past just had to walk through the dojo gate.

I don't know when exactly I snapped. Maybe it was when I laid eyes on him, or maybe when he started to talk. But I lost my handle on things, and everything just went berserk.

"Good morning, Kaoru!!" An unfamiliar voice cried from the gate.

I looked, and for a moment, the long brown locks and green eyes did not register in my memory, but when he grinned, it just all came crashing into brain like lighting and thunder. The smile of a spy. More particularly, the smile of a Shikeigai spy.

My eyes widened in recognition, and he gave a friendly wave, approaching us in our open door breakfast.

The cut of the jaw...the nose...that face! Reshaped by maturity, but undoubtedly him nevertheless!

"K-Kyosuke?" I asked in disbelief.

He grinned, holding up a pail that had something thrashing in it mysteriously. "You recognized me! I was afraid you wouldn't! It's been a while, I tell you." He looked around for a moment and that bought me time to recover from my catatonia. The others were already looking from me to Kyosuke, confused, but not threatened.

"Wow," He continued. "Nice place you got here. I was just passing through Edo on my way to Yokohama, and I said, what the heck? It would be nice to see Kamiya and catch up on old times, ne?"

I don't know what possessed me at that moment. I didn't think. I didn't stop to consider the consequences, but on top of everything I've been feeling all week, all the hiding, all the acting and all the lying, I just flew way off...way off my handle.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I demanded. The idiot! I was so angry that I completely forgot that the others were in the same room with us.

Quite predictably, they all stared at me in shock.

"But Kaoru-baby. I brought a catfish!" Kyosuke said, keeping his game face.

Is he hoping to get killed? I swear!!!! Aargh! The "baby" was bad enough. The others were bristling already, but the catfish....oooooh! He just knows how much I hate it! He brought it to be a jackass! Just one of his un-funny jokes. Then I just bet he'll ask me to cook it! Just to grind the joke even deeper! Oh, I'll cook it. He doesn't know just how I've perfected the art of making poisonous food.

I got to my feet, my hands fisting on my sides. "I don't fucking care! What the hell were you thinking coming here?!" My glare could have struck him dead on the spot.

My family's jaws dropped to the floor.

Kyosuke's smile finally disappeared and he rolled his eyes around in exasperation. His friendly demeanor was gone and the Kyosuke I knew stood before me in all his asshole-ish glory. "Is anyone there in that tiny brain of yours? Isn't it obvious why I'm here? Haven't you been reading the papers?"

"I have!" I responded impatiently. "Which is precisely why you shouldn't be here! Jeez, you fucking idiot! Do you have any idea--"

"Oh, I can't believe you're still such a bitch after all these years, Kamiya," Kyosuke said, his street drawl growing thicker by the second. "You think I like dragging my ass all the way from Aizu to see you? Well, I don't! I'd rather stay home, with my women..."

"With your whores," I corrected him acidly.

His face reddened but he continued. "Whatever! The point is, we can't take this sitting down, Kaoru. You may be next!" He yelled, pointing a finger at my face.

I slapped his hand away. "Don't you point your finger at me, you stupid pervert! You know what you've just done? You've just fucked up any chance we have at surviving this!"

"Well, you know what?" Kyosuke asked, putting down his pail and stepping closer to me. "Fuck you," he said calmly, pushing me on the shoulder then waiting to see how I would react.

I gasped, my mouth dropping open. Then I set my face in a very displeased frown. "Don't do that again, Kyosuke. I swear..."

"Oh? You mean this?" He pushed my shoulder again, more pointedly this time.

"I'll give you one last chance to take that back..." I growled, steam coming out of my ears.

He chuckled and flicked my forehead. "Kiss my ass," he said.

That is IT! Screaming through my grit teeth, I jumped him, sending both of us to the floor while I pulled at his hair, banging his head on the hard wood repeatedly. The pail spilled, causing the catfish to thrash wildly.

"You want a piece of me? Huh? Huh!" He yelled, his own fists taking locks of my hair and rolling me beneath him, straddling me. His eyes took on a strangely familiar glaze, and one hand releasing my hair, he pulled his palm back as its fingers stiffened, poised for an attack that brought back times of the Bakumatsu so potently that I could almost smell it.

I screeched, mustering monumental control on a sudden onslaught. My hand shook as it slowly crept to the vein on his throat...don't kill him Kaoru, no need for that! Just give him something to cry about...no need to kill...no need to kill...but he will...NO HE WON'T!

Biting hard down on my lip, I tasted my own blood and found the control I needed. I kicked him between the legs.

He blinked, the glaze disappearing from his eyes, then he laughed loudly. "Nice try, bitch!"

How the hell did he withstand that? Doesn't matter! It did it's job!

Amidst the chaos of our biting and scratching, I heard Kenshin cry an "Oro!"

The rest found their senses and they fell to separating us.

Sano pried Kyosuke off me and threw him back against the wall. Kenshin pulled me to my feet and kept me from continuing my attack on Kyosuke while the rest of my men went into defensive stance in front of me.

"L-Lemme go, Kenshin!" I said, trying to squirm from his embrace.

Kyosuke found that time to collect himself, straightening his tousled kimono.

Kenshin spoke as he held me. "Kaoru-dono does not want you here, Kyosuke-san. After the things you've said and did to her, I think you should leave."

Sano nodded. "You don't get to call her names, fool. That's reserved for this guy right here," he said, clapping a hand on Yahiko's shoulder.

To the boy's credit, he didn't say anything. He just held his stance and glared at Kyosuke's disheveled form.

"What?!" Kyosuke cried incredulously. As usual, he could not keep his mouth shut. "She was just as bad as I was!"

"You are in her home, Kyosuke-san," Kenshin said calmly.

I began to calm down myself, realizing that I was going to have a horrible time explaining all this to them. What the hell am I going to do now? This is just faaaaantastic. All those years, taking care not to slip, every single day an acting job that would put the most seasoned Kabuki to shame, and I blow my cover in a span of two minutes! All my hard work of keeping this, down the drain, just because the superior-imbecile Kyosuke decided to drop by and have a chat with me. Of all the idiotic things...

I screwed my eyes shut in frustration and bumped the heels of my hands repeatedly on my forehead. Moron, moron, moron...I should have kept my cool. I should have just counted to ten and for once in my life, put my so-called genius to good use! For heaven's sake, I had put up with worse things before! And now some halfwit walks through my door and I'm suddenly Sumo wrestling like there was no tomorrow! And I almost...he almost...argh! Damn that Sakibou!

Peeping through my inner turmoil, I surveyed the current situation.

Kyosuke eyed Kenshin curiously, then he raised a brow, realization coming to him all of a sudden. "Kaoru-baby, it's just like you to have Battousai come live with you. Hiding behind him, no less."

Grrrr! Asshole!

I glared at him, my fingers curling to form a circle that might have been the perfect fit of his neck. Because of what he said, lying has practically become a non-existent option. They'd want me to explain why it would be "just like me" to have Battousai in my home.

Suppressing the extreme urge to strangle him, I made a disrespectful gesture to Kyosuke with my hand and stomped off, heading for the kitchen. Maybe I can sneak myself a delicious dessert or something. I need sweets, badly.

I'll leave Kyosuke to deal with my protectors. He damn well deserves what comes to him.

Kyosuke could be such an idiot!

Doesn't matter that he was a child-genius like me, commonsense apparently doesn't go with the territory!

I sat facing the mirror in my room, gorging on the sweets I found on the pantry. Ah, a girl and her goodies. What will women do without the occasional binge session?

Kaoru, you will never live this down.

All those days with the enemy, spiriting away information, documents that won't be missed, doing anything and everything to preserve the enemy's trust...how can they think I'm pure, anyway? I'm more stained than Kenshin, in more ways than one. The rurouni should have felt it in my ki. I'm pretty sure I haven't learned how to control my life-force.

I heard my shoji door slide open, and I can see Kenshin's anxious face flanked by Yahiko and Sano.

"Kyosuke-san told me to tell you that if you change your mind, you can reach him at this address," Kenshin said, fishing a piece of paper from his sleeve and extending it to me. "He said he's going to leave for Yokohama two days from now to go see Banshio and warn him."

I took the paper Kenshin held and said nothing as I tucked it into my kimono. I didn't feel like talking just yet. They would ask anyway.

Sure enough, they did not fail me. "Jou-chan, what the hell is going on? Who was that guy? I know he isn't an enemy, so what is he to you?"

I made a last ditch effort to make them stop asking questions. "Don't mind me, everyone. Kyosuke's just an old friend."

"Old friends don't swear at each other and pull at each other's hair," Kenshin said quietly.

Yes they do, I wanted to tell him. In my case, they do. We're a tough crowd, Kenshin. Of course, it was completely useless to say that.

I gave a slight smile. I could feel my stomach knotting almost painfully in my belly. "This will...take a while." No! I couldn't! I couldn't do this! I look up, hoping against hope that for some reason, they decide not to insist upon it.

"We're not going anywhere," Yahiko said, sitting on my futon comfortably.

"I'll get the tea," Kenshin said, heading off.

Sano sat beside Yahiko, pushing the child to get more space for himself.

Alright, me and my big mouth. This is what I get.

My heart began to thud wildly. I'm afraid...afraid of telling them. How would they take it? What would they do when they find out that the Kamiya Kaoru they know and love isn't all who they thought she was?

I suppose...it's about time I told them the truth. It needs telling anyhow, Kyosuke's sudden appearance and my monumental lapse of control has made it necessary.

Better that it come from me than from some wacko out there bent on killing me, right? And at this point, keeping it from them will only put them in more danger, because I just know their snooping will make them as dead as I probably am.

Am I ready to do this? Am I ready to bare everything to them after all these years of keeping it a secret? I'll just have to be ready, I guess. They deserve the truth, and as for what I deserve...I'll leave that decision to them.

With a pot of tea between the four of us, I told them. I told them everything, from my recruitment to the reports in the newspaper last week. Well, I left out a lot of gory details. I didn't tell them about the men raping me. I didn't tell them that I had killed. That information would come in time, when all of the important stuff had sunk in.

I could already tell that they could barely believe what I was saying.

Kenshin already looked a little angry. Whether it was directed at me, I could not say, but it got my heartbeat going again. I think I'm about to bust my vein.

I continued on bravely, explaining that my father knew nothing, because the Ishinshishi timed my assignments when daddy was away. Of course, the Ishinshishi also manipulated the length of daddy's assignments to fit their needs. Father was just a cop after all. I was an important spy. Daddy accommodated me, not the other way around. Dr. Genzai was even easier to deceive. The kindly old man was made to believe that I had been placed in the care of a very dear and trustworthy aunt, a sister of my mother who had just recently arrived from England. She pretended to stay with me in the Kamiya compound, when what she was actually doing was covering up for my absence: Answering, in my stead, the letters father sent me (complete with the forged handwriting); taking care of the house; making sure that no one suspected I was gone...it was a highly organized operation. Until now, I marveled at how no one found me out. I suppose it's because we had insiders in the Shinsegumi, thanks to a man named Kiyok.

I wanted to lay my cards out for Kenshin, Sano and Yahiko to see as much as possible. I even told them about the cooking, which I think blew them away the most.

"Do you know how much those friggin' fools in the Shinsengumi could eat?" I told them, my eyes flashing at the mere memory. "They're like 'Ikiro, more rice! Or I'll kick your ass!' and 'Cook a little faster, you squirt! We gotta kill some people tonight and I don't want to do it on an empty stomach!' It's infuriating! Then at the end of it all, I get stuck with the shitty scraps. Mou! I'm sorry I lied about that, but cooking just makes me feel like throwing a hand bomb just to pulverize those goddamn fools!" I prattled.

I saw them cringe because of my language. I think I should lay off a little on my Bakumatsu drawl. It wouldn't hurt to spare them that, at least. The Kaoru they knew was disintegrating right before their eyes. I don't want to strain them any more than they already are.

"S-Sorry..." I said, blushing a bit. "Pardon my French, but they weren't exactly fond memories. There are still quite a few things I haven't told you, but I think I'll keep those things to myself until I see it fit to be divulged. I don't want to make you kids squirm."

That was enough to make them squirm already, except maybe for Kenshin, who had gone quiet behind the veil of his bangs.

My heart sank. He hates me. I just know it. He will pick-up and leave...

"Kaoru-dono," he suddenly said. "So the Shinobi Kei Gaikotsu was true."

I bowed my head and fiddled with my fingers. Not acting now. I truly am awaiting his reaction with dread. "Yes. Quite true."

A pause settled upon us, and then suddenly, Kenshin spoke.

"Sanosuke, Yahiko, leave us," he said to them in a tone none of us have yet managed to defy.

The two of them got to their feet.

"Damn, Jou-chan..." Sano muttered as he left. "This is going to take some getting used to."

"You said it, rooster-head," Yahiko seconded.

"Oi! Who you calling rooster-head?" Sano demanded, their voices fading in their retreat.

I've never wanted them to continue their banter in our presence more than I do now. Don't leave me with Kenshin! He just might kill me! Or spit in my face, which is a lot worse! God help me.

When we were absolutely alone, Kenshin raised his gaze.

His eyes were purple, and compassion danced in them. I think I was never more relieved in my life.

"Kaoru-dono...why didn't you tell me?" He asked, sounding half-hurt, half-reproachful.

He had a right to be both. Essentially, I have been lying about my existence all this time. I should have trusted him if not the others, but there were just too many difficulties to overcome.

"I...I couldn't, Kenshin," I replied softly, meeting his gaze. "I was bound by a code of honor to keep it all a secret. And I had to think about the safety of the others, and reputations, and...now, I suppose their being dead changes that. I am sorry I lied, but I only lied with respect to that aspect of my life. Everything else about me is true, whatever that's worth. It's not much, but everything that doesn't involve my secret past...I didn't lie about any of it."

His brows knotted in worry, and he cupped my face in his hand, caressing my cheek with his thumb.

He shouldn't do that...he shouldn't...

"Kaoru-dono," he murmured. "If I had known the rumors about the Shikeigai were true...if I have known they used children...I would have gone against it. I would have put a stop to it. It's not right. I am sorry the Ishinshishi stooped so low."

"Oh, but we did it voluntarily, Kenshin!" I said in protest.

He shook his head and stared into my eyes intently. "But you were children...brilliant though you all were, you hadn't the slightest idea what was good for you. You deserved to leave war to the grown-ups. Kaoru-dono, I wish you didn't have to go through all that."

I pulled away from him slightly, unable to stand the way he was peering into my soul. "I-It wasn't so bad."

He said nothing.

"Keshin..." I began in a soft voice. "Do you feel like you don't know who I am anymore?"

He remained silent for what felt like forever. Dread rose in me anew, and the longer he stayed quiet, the more worried I became. I was actually holding my breath, and I would have turned a sickly blue if he hadn't spoken that very moment.

"No," he finally replied with a shake of his head. "I feel like I know you better. Kaoru-dono...I've noticed things in the past about you. Things I felt rather than saw. It confused me, but now I can fill in the gaps."

So, I'm not such a good actress after all. Or maybe it was the ki thing. Like he said, he didn't see it, he felt it. Either way, I really couldn't get one over the rurouni.

I gave him a plaintive smile. "I'm glad I haven't frightened you away. But Kenshin, there's something I think I should tell you." If I want to come clean, now is the time.

Kenshin arched an eyebrow. "More secrets, de gozaru ka?"

I chuckled. "Sort of. I know you feel uncomfortable when people tease us as a couple. I just want you to know that you don't have to worry about me. I'm not really in love with you that way. I love you and care for you and all that, but as my best friend. All that romantic stuff, it was just my way of having fun."

He stared at me in shock. "I...sessha..."

My smile got brighter. I was feeling less weighted now. A bit of the burden has been lifted. "I can still pretend for the others if you want. It's cute, ne my handsome rurouni? Little Tanuki-chan making goo-goo eyes at the samurai."

"Oro..."

I giggled at his lost expression.

"B-But..." he began. "What about Kyoto?"

I blushed to the roots of my hair. He just had to bring that up, didn't he? "That was real. I didn't want you to go and leave me. Spies get lonely too, you know."

Kenshin looked at me, his eyes softening. Spies like me, we can read emotions through a person's eyes, and right now, Kenshin's mingled with sadness, compassion, endearment. I would have to ask him about them some other time.

I tugged playfully at a lock of his hair. "I'm not heartless, you know. I can care for people in spite of what I went through, but as for men and me...that's different. I'd...rather be careful, that's all."

Kenshin frowned slightly. "Is there something really repulsive about me that you couldn't possibly...it's my past, isn't it?"

I rolled my eyes around and chuckled. "Oh, for heaven's sake, Kenshin. Don't take it personally. It's just men in general, that's all. Besides, my past is perhaps as bad as yours, if not worse."

He shook his head in disbelief. "How is that possible?"

This rurouni will need convincing, I see. He still insists on perceiving me as the sweet and wholesome kenjutsu instructor. "Kenshin, I have taken lives. Four of them. Once when I was seven, once when I was eight and twice when I was ten. I did it, not because they deserved it, but because I decided they shouldn't live. Even Battousai cannot boast of having killed and decided to kill at so young an age. Then of course...there were the pedophiles..."

Kenshin stared at me in horror. "No...Kaoru-dono..."

I just knew he would react this way. "It wasn't so bad once I got used to it, Kenshin. Of course, it was rape every time, but all of us in the Shikeigai went through it. Even the boys. It's funny how I discovered that. I remember pretending to be a boy because I thought then the men wouldn't touch me as one, but I realized in a hurry that I was more attractive as a little boy than as a little girl, so on that observation, I think it was worse for the boys. I for one know that sodomy hurts a helluva lot more than having it done the other way..."

His eyes filled with tears for me. It was just like Kenshin to feel sympathy rather than disgust. He actually reached out and smoothed the hair on my head.

I smiled, and just for the pleasure of it, I let him take me in his embrace. I liked this warmth. It made me feel safe and loved. It's been a long time. I used to get the same sense of security from my father.

"Kaoru-dono," he murmured, nestling his chin gently against my head. "You should have told me all of this. Part of the reason I can live with my guilt is because I can tell you about them somehow, in part, if not in its entirety. You are always there to ease my troubled dreams. How can you stand to keep all your nightmares to yourself?"

My eyes were closed, enjoying the comfort of his arms. "I just do. I dream every night," I replied in a matter of fact tone. "It's no big deal. I've sort of gotten used to it."

"Kaoru-dono..." he said in gentle reproach.

"It's alright," I replied, feeling languorous already. I was so damn comfortable with my cheek against his chest. "Dreams go away when you wake up."

He sighed, running his fingers lightly in my hair. "You were always stronger than sessha, Kaoru-dono."

The guy doesn't know what he's saying. He's such a moron about himself sometimes. Didn't he know that part of the reason myself and the rest of the Shikeigai agreed to do what we did was because we idolized the great Hitokiri Battousai and what he stood for? Of course, I wasn't about to tell him that. He'll likely go on about how terrible Battousai was, that he did nothing admirable, yadda, yadda, yadda.

"Mou!!!" I exclaimed, hitting him on the chest affectionately. "That isn't true! I ought to give you a wedgie for saying such a thing! Has a bitch ever given you a wedgie, Kenshin?"

The moment I said it, I covered my mouth. That was positively scandalous coming from me! I must guard myself against my Bakumatsu lingo. It's terrible.

Kenshin chuckled and looked down on my upturned face. "Kaoru-dono, kawaii..."

Ka...waii...? Is he nuts? I haven't felt like washing my mouth with soap since ten years ago, when I spat an expletive at Doctor Genzai by accident. "Don't you go weird on me now."

He smiled at me and chucked my chin. "This trust you have for me...I am grateful."

"Glad to give it, rurouni," I replied, tilting my head to the side.

Kenshin brushed a hand on my face to push some hair from my forehead.

He's...kinda close...

"Yo, busu! How about you show off your real cooking--oops!"

We both turned to look and saw Yahiko fleeing for his life.

I grinned back at Kenshin and he returned it.

"Nice to see some things stay the same, ne?" I said to him.

"Indeed," he replied.

Taking a deep breath and sitting up, I gave my token holler. "Yahiko! You little brat! Get back here!"

 

NEXT à