Author: Meghan
Email:[email protected]
Rating: PG
Genre: Rogue/Logan-leading to romance here!
Song: "Honestly Ok" by Dido
Disclaimer: I don't own em.
Summary: Rogue thinks about the man she once loved.
Comments: If I decide to do a sequel to this story I'll be using Nix's possibility number 3. I'll tell you more later on..lol
Feedback: Please please please! I'm begging! No feedback..no more story :( k?
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
Cold.
Dark.
Lonely.
Three words that summed up what she was these days. Chilling adjectives that placed a label of hopelessness upon her. Rogue propped her head against the cool glass window, reveling in the cold
relief it provided. Her eyes were transfixed on the clear streams of water that followed the same pattern. The fast and beating water would collect at the bottom of her window pane and fall to the ground below.
The Xavier institute's usual discreet and privatized appearance was only heightened by the dark, bottomless clouds that pelted rain down upon the building.Reluctantly she pressed her fingertips to the icy glass and a cold shiver shot throughout her body. Within moments she felt her skin become numb and frosty. Just how she liked it. Numb. These days it was easier when she couldn't feel anything. Sadness seeped into her features as recollection dawned on her. Hell, this cold window was just about the only thing she could touch without causing destruction....without causing death. Everyday it tore her apart, knowing that her poisonous skin had caused so much pain. The only man who had ever touched her....purpously, even after he knew what she was....was...well, he was long gone. It had been 6 years since he had said good-bye to her. Logan.The first two years he was gone she would stay awake. Every night her ears would listen for any disturbance in the night...any sign that he was back. Her spirits came crashing down each night that he remained far from her and eventually the pain had become too thick.
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore
It wasn't much better when the nightmares started. Horrible dreams of experimentation and torture would flash through her mind. And it only took a small while before she realized the memories weren't hers...they were Logan's..her Logan. They were mind-numbing and pierced her soul every time they invaded her slumber...but they were a part of Logan...and they helped her understand him...all of him.
It shocked her..how after all of this time she could still feel him, sense him, smell him. Time and time again Rogue chastised herself for holding on so dearly to someone who clearly was gone. But his horrid memories and thoughts were the only comfort she had. They were her only true friend.
A glimmer of hope surfaced every now and again. It was as if late at night, when she was laying in her bed, utterly silent and lonely she felt Logan enter her mind. He was still connected to her too and she could tell sometimes he would block her out...but when he thought she was sleeping..would probe her mind farther for any solace and companionship.
During the late hours Rogue awoke in a cold sweat and would reach out....reach out for him. How badly she needed him...wanted him to be here..with her. To hold her and tell her he would take care of her. Now and again anger set in and she would throw something against her bedroom wall, smashing it to hundreds of pieces.
On a different day
If I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
Why? Well that one was easy. Logan had left her...run from her..after everything they had been through..even after his solemn promise to take care of her...he had left. 6 years and not even a phone call...not even a letter. It was her right to be pissed...but holding on like this only cut deeper and
made waking up without him near her that much more unbearable. Usually her fit ended up with her on the bedroom floor, her chin resting on her knee's, and sobs wracking her small body.
Jean understood. Even if they rarely ever spoke, sometimes Jean would cast her a sad glance and Rogue felt as if she was the only one who understood the small gesture. Often the Professor would try to break down the walls in her psyche, she had set up and find out what made her so sad, and anguished. After a while of failed mind-readings he had given up...but Rogue knew that he sensed her infatuation with Logan...even if it was -much- more than infatuation.
All she had anymore were distant memories. Small things that brought a flood of past actions.
The night after Logan had rode away she had precariously slipped into his now vacant room and roamed the perimeter, as to find any momentos of his...something to make sure she would not forget him. To tell you the truth, Logan hadn't left much....hell..he hadn't even owned that much. Among her findings though...Rogue had found an old shirt of his..and a half smoked cigar.
Just to remember him somedays, she would pull the shirt out of her ebony chested drawer and smile as his scent filled her room. An addictive mix of cigar smoke and after-shave. The smell that eased her pain and made her fears go away.
But this is today
And I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore
Closing her eyes, Rogue could already feel the warm tears running down her face. She made no movement though...did not wipe the tears away. The salty tears were the only warmth she had felt in a long while....the only thing that reminded her that she still had -some- human in her. If it wasn't for small things...like crying...Rogue would have declared herself dead long ago.
The dark night surrounded her and was oddly comforting. Truly, right now all she feared was the day to come..another morning where the sun would daunt her...informing her yet again that Logan was never coming back...that she was alone in a world that did not want her. She was feared...it didn't make sense to her...but who would blame anyone...she was a curse. No one could possibly love her. Even Logan thought of her as a little sister...and her search for happiness was hopeless. Letting another tear slip onto her cheek Rogue abided as pain and longing enveloped her.
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
"Honestly OK." Part2
Song: I used some of the lyrics from "My All" by Mariah Carey
Rain pelted down on his mangy leather jacket as the deep growl of the motorcycle beneath him echoed in the night. It was at least 3AM, and sleep was settling in his eyes...but his mind was set on much more important things. He could feel it...feel her. The damn connection that burdened him most times. If he ever got in the middle of a fight...or dared to push the edge and go on his 8th beer..he could hear her in his mind, could already see her frowning at his self-demise. Secretly, he could feel her in the back of his mind...monitoring him..making sure he didn't get into too much trouble. Usually Logan would block her out....revel in his self-loathing. But, late at night he would close his eyes, breathe deeply, and try to look deep inside of her mind.
I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right
It was stupid to still be suffering after all of this time....to still miss her...she had probably moved on...
Hell, by now she was grown-up....It was stupid. He knew that it was. To still hold a flame for the young girl he had met all those years ago..but she was the first person he had ever
really..loved, even if he couldn't voice his opinion.His head was battling with his heart...she was like a sister to him, an innocent, deep...beautiful,sister who didn't judge him....*Stop it Logan..* he reprimanded.
'Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side
Cold air hit his exposed face, and sent a chilled shiver through him as soon as the cold, whipping, wind came in contact with his wet, matted hair. Who cared if he got pneumonia anyway..
It was true, the power to heal -did- come in handy.
Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
vividly emblazoned in my mind
She was driving him on. It felt like he was doing this against his own will..but deep down he was turning into a giddy teenage boy, just thinking about seeing her again.His heart throbbed though....he couldn't touch her...probably would never be able to touch her...How badly he wanted to hold her....feel her smooth skin. And it was unbearable somedays.
Logan had to be tough...he had to be tough as nails. All of his life...well..that which he remembered...he had been a trouble-makerhad never needed anyone except himself.These days though...just the thought of the young woman/child, Rogue, who had looked deeply into his eyes so long ago...made him pure putty. She had looked into his soul...and wasn't afraid.No one had ever done that to him...no one would ever be able to do it again, and make him feel like she did.It was true...the tough guy had a soft spot for Rogue.
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight
Logan mentally convinced himself though, that he wasn't going back for her. He was -not- going back to see her again.....to fall back in love with her. He was just going...home. It had been long enough and it was time he went back...for how long, he wasn't sure.
Damn, who was he kidding...he could put up all of his walls and that kid would tear them down with one longing glance. *Your such a wimp...*His hands brushed past the pocket of his leather jacket and he pulled out a small faded picture.The young innocent features jumped out to him, and he felt himself become weak mesmerized.His littleMarie. Using her Nancy Drew skills she had found him at one
point on his trip...sent him a picture. Must have thought he would forget her.Impossible. She was the only thing that made him feel this way...made him feel practically human.Darkness settled in behind the tree's, but Logan wouldn't stop.Determination drove him on....His past was in the way of his future...and he needed to rebuild bridges before anything else.
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