| Vulnerability I am very fortunate to have a close knit family. I have always had a very close relationship with my oldest sister (I am ten years younger). We have inspired each other for many years through thick and thin. I remember my first experience with death when I was seven years old. My grandmother had passed away on my father's side. As was Polish tradition, the family would touch the deceased one last time at the calling hours. I remember going up to the casket to view my grandmother. My sister helped me reach up into the casket. I'll never forget feeling that cold, lifeless body and then turning around to clutch my sister because it frightened me so. The contrast was so stark: life and death. The warmth of that hug with my sister started a bond that remains vibrant to this day. We have always leaned on each other, not only in times of need, but in the joyous times as well. On a cold December evening in 2002, just before the new year, we were coming back from seeing a movie. We chatted about what was happening in our lives as she drove us home. Like many of the times throughout that year we ended up talking about my transition. She decided to voice her concerns about my obstinacy in regards to making people accept me as Stephanie. I'll admit my best attribute at times has been my tenacity. There's no way one can walk down this road without being stubborn. I also know there are times when you need to back off. She was just trying to make me understand there was frustration amongst our family with my willful ways. At that point my defenses fell completely. For so long I had been fighting the good fight in order to achieve my goal. I guess I was just drained from the emotional strain. My fences came crumbling down as she told me I needed to be more vulnerable around the people who cared about me. She was the only one I felt I could be truly vulnerable with. I had spent my whole life trying to prove to people I was someone that I knew deep inside I was not. I know I displayed a toughness that really wasn't me. But that's how I learned to survive in an often cruel world. I told her that changing into a more vulnerable person with my family would be exceedingly difficult. The tears were streaming down my face as she reached over and held my hand. At that moment I not only felt her hand, but the hand of our dearly departed mother. It was warm and full of hope, just the way I remember her to be. I'll always be grateful to my sister for a great many things. That moment in time is at the top of the list. She made me understand that I just needed to be me and let the chips fall where they may. If I was truly going to start out in a new life I couldn't be afraid to let people know whom I really was. Letting go of a lifetime of rigidity, which was an act of self preservation, would not be easy. Thankfully, I had plenty of people who were willing to assist me. Back Next |