All Hail

The Adventures of Bobo!
The Dancing Monkey!

WARNING: This story is not remotely near intellectually stimulating. In fact, it may be considered strange if not disturbing, not to mention completely lame. The reader may require rehabilitation after having read this story. Proceed at your own risk.

Once upon a terrible, stupid time, there was a small chimpanzee living in the jungle with his maternal parental unit. She had raised him all by herself for the little chimp�s father had died a very tragic and untimely death. (* Advisory Note: Log rolling in piranha infested waters is not advised under any circumstance, no matter who dared you or how much you�d get for the bet.) The little chimp was named Bobo after his deceased father. He and his mother lived in a very large tree because they had a vast wealth due to the banana trade and their stocks. Also living with them was Bobo�s decrepit grandmother, who had long since squandered her pension. In the trunk next door lived Bobo�s aunt and twin cousins, Nerf and Niff, whom he had never gotten along with. They were a typical dysfunctional family, and because of the rivalry between the sisters, this was the last day that Bobo�s Aunt Nora, Nerf, and Niff would be living anywhere remotely near Bobo and his mother. This was a day of much rejoicing.

�Ooo! Ooo! Aah! Ooo! Aah!�(�Oops�*click* BEEP! Translator is now �on�. Have a nice day!) �Ah yes, it�s about time that sister of mine decided to move away, her and those brats of hers!� chimed Bobo�s mother, she was positively ecstatic.

�Aren�t you going to miss them at all?� mused Bobo, after all they were family.

�Miss them?! Those poo-flinging, riot-inducing, manipulative sponges? I�ll miss them like I�ll miss a hangnail,� she snorted. �I�d think you would understand, you realize this means you wont have to listen to Nerf and Niff call you names or gang up on you anymore, right? After this we�re free!�

This was something Bobo had not thought of, after all, his cousins ritual of humiliating him was so normal it didn�t really affect him anymore and was just part of life. This worsened the situation, because then they only persisted to try to find a way to make it affect him. He thought of how life would be without them, the thought of living without being tormented seemed strange and extremely boring.

�Well, one of my chicks is leaving the nest. She�s never been further than a turd�s throw away,� rambled Grandma. �I feel like part of me is leaving.�

�What are you talking about?� raged Bobo�s mother. �You guys haven�t had a conversation in ages! She�s been giving you the silent treatment for 5 years straight!�

At this, Grandma merely huffed and walked out to say her final goodbye to her daughter. She hadn�t been in good health lately, ever since she ate a diseased banana a downward trend had began. She grew consistently more feeble and her hearing was beginning to fail her. She reached for her fancy, imported bamboo cane and made for the branch that connected the two houses. The moving vines were already full and transporting their goods. Due to the unfortunate misplacement of one of Bobo�s toys and Grandma�s poor vision, a disaster was inevitable.

Foop! Grandma�s cane met with the mobile monkey-mobile and slipped completely out of her hand and to the ground below. Grandma wailed in terror and alarm and plummeted down to the ground with a sickening crunch.

�Dag nab it!! Oh my hip! Marjorie! You good for nothing waste of a daughter! Why, if you hadn�t been born! Ooo! It hurts! Someone help me already! Call the doctor!� Demands proceeded to spew forth from her facial orifice as Bobo�s mother screamed in alarm and rushed to her aid. The ceasing of the screaming and verbal insults was abrupt.

A leopard had been drawn near by the squabble in the trees and was awarded for taking the trip. It was Bobo�s mother who spotted the leopard first; she hushed the screaming elder and proceeded to attempt to try to help her back to the safety of the tree. However, because of the panicking retiree this was very difficult. The leopard lunged and because of the gratuitous violence and gore that was soon to follow, we�ll skip ahead.

Fast Forwarding Complete

After the unfortunate ingestion and demise of the only decent family members that Bobo had known, his aunt had left immediately leaving Bobo completely and utterly alone. Luckily enough, a passing banana harvester had been giving the Crocodile Hunter a tour of the jungle where Bobo lived. Steve Erwin, with his instincts and stunning ability to understand animals, knew exactly what had happened to this little bloke, and knew the only way for him to survive, would be by human intervention and a little TLC.

So Steve pulled some strings and had young Bobo relocated to the San Francisco Zoo; however, he didn�t get along with the other monkeys so they moved him once again to a laboratory to perform intelligence tests. He didn�t score particularly well, but he was entertaining. He had a keen liking for breaking things and then making crude pictures with the shattered remains. One day, in an experiment involving stimuli, Bobo was exposed to music. This day changed the rest of his life.

It all started right after he had been subjected to a very foul odor. The scientists then turned on the radio, and it was then he learned he was born to boogie. The music hit home, and caused such a sensation he had never felt. Immediately he got a tingle up his spine and his toes started tappin�, his arms started flappin�, disco fever took over and before anyone knew he whipped out the Macarena. This astounded the scientist so much that in his excitement, he had a minor heart attack. Oh well, we don�t care anyway; this story is about Bobo.

Upon having discovered Bobo�s talent, carnivals and circuses all around offered large sums of money for the talented chimpanzee and he was peddled around the country. Then, when his fame grew to an astonishing level � along with his amazing dancing skills that had surpassed even those of Michael Jackson � a fat man in an office got a brilliant idea; a marvelous, wonderful, and profitable idea that would change the world forever.

By this time, Bobo had learned how to scribble some indecipherable form of a signature. And even though it wasn�t anywhere near legible, it qualified as an autograph that anyone would have treasured. Bobo had also learned that by pretending to sing he could keep better rhythm. These two ingredients were all that was necessary to create a giant, a legend even. No, they created a masterpiece.
Through the wonderful technology that created Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, and several others of the silicon beauties, Bobo was transformed. This was not an exceedingly difficult task seeing as Bobo was already exceptionally tall for his age, and so near humanoid as a chimpanzee, evolutionists thought they might get away with using him as the missing link. Unfortunately for them, the plastic surgeons got to him first and turned him into a man and given a new name. (One that looked more like the scribble that was to be his autograph.) His name, now commonly known, is Chris Kirpatrick.

Bobo � err, Chris � has now toured the world with his fellow band mates. He has even gone where no chimpanzee has gone before, he and the other members N�sync have made it to TRL, sold thousands of records, lip-sinked at thousands of concerts, and have won a fair amount of awards too. He has been given a new identity, they created a story of his life and although he is able to get by on being the �quiet one of the group�, he started learning how to mumble a few words. Rumor has it that he has also learned how to love. Well considering the circumstances, it should be true.

Every now and then a chimpanzee shows extraordinary skills. They say that per generation there is approximately a dozen chimpanzees that can dance. Should they meet, sparks could fly or bands like the Backstreet Boys could form. No one can be sure exactly, but Chris was luckiest monkey�s uncle of them all for he met not only another of the chimpanzee dancers, but a female. Yes, none other than Christina Agorilla. It was love at first site. They even did a little ditty before they got to the nitty gritty. We won�t go into that for reasons that could involve lawyers and court systems and such. However, they found themselves inseparable and more or less perfect for each other. God help them if they ever have children. Until then, we�ll let these two influential �people� live happily ever after.

The End