Well, I thought that Valentine's Day was going to totally suck because it was my first Valentine's Day alone...well, since I broke up with Les, at any rate. But it didn't. In fact, I didn't even remember that it was Valentine's Day for most of the time. I had a sociology test to complete, and also another test in another class, so it was a busy day.
Today is when the post-Valentine's Day blues hit me. Hard. I was talking to my friend Lisa, who is involved with a guy from New Zealand. Well, they are just friends, but I know that she deeply loves him. Anyways, I couldn't help but wonder...what would it be like...if...if I had never met Les, and I could actually get into a relationship without destroying myself and the fragile freedom I have created since Les and I officially ended things? What if I could find a man who loves me for me, and doesn't care about my outside, and can actually look past it to see my inner beauty? What if I could find a man who would actually be faithful to me throughout a lifetime? What if? But those are silly what-ifs, because I know it isn't going to happen. Not even with Christian men, or should I say, ESPECIALLY not with Christian men? They are just as bad as the world's men, except they are masquarading as followers of Christ. They tell me not to pick at their sin of lust because I have sins too, yet they are eager to judge my sins. Yes, I can feel that familiar anger growing inside of me. And yet...I am getting so tired of putting on a strong front, when all I desire is a pair of nice, warm, loving arms to hold me. When I want someone to think that I am the most beautiful woman in the world.
I am on a diet. I don't know if I have lost anything yet, but I am sticking to it and losing weight for myself. I'm not doing it for anyone but myself. The problem is, once I get thinner, I doubt that I will ever trust a man's intentions again. If a man totally accepted me and loved me now, as I am (as unlikely as that seems!!!), then I would love him as much as he loved me. But...but...there isn't such a man around. Where is such a man in the whole world? I could search the whole world over and wouldn't find him, because he doesn't exist.
I expect that once I get thinner I will get a lot more attention from males, because I plan on dressing very nice and attractively, and I have a very friendly personality with other good features (like my very long curly dark hair, and my blue eyes). But I won't trust it. I wont' trust them. And it seems so damned unfair. Sorry for cursing. But it does. Because one of the things that I want most in my life (to be thin) will automatically prevent me from having another thing that I want in life (to find a man wh accepts me for me). But if I am thin, and meet a great guy, I will always wonder...would he have been interested in me while I was fat? And the answer, at least in my mind, will always be no. So it appears that I am in quite a jam, because if I don't lose weight (and therefore not fulfilling one of my life's goals), then I will neither get a man who accepts me for who I am (because they don't exist, at least not for fat girls like me). And so, should I totally scrap my wishes for the latter in order to achieve the former? This is only a rhetorical question because I am doing it. I am going to lose the weight - and my chances of marital happiness with any man in my lifetime.