Gee, it sure does feel strange putting a "2" on the end of 200. It doesn't seem like this is the year 2002 yet. It feels like 2001 just started. They always say that time flies when you are having fun...I wonder if that holds true when you aren't having fun.
Everytime I see that "2" on the end of the year, so far at least, I think too much. Ugh. I hate that. I think that THIS was the year that I was supposed to get married, and live happily ever after. Yep. May 11, 2002. That was our tenative date. That was when we were going to get hitched. It seemed so far away just a few months ago. Now it feels like it is looming just around the corner.
It's not that I WANT to marry Les now. No way. You couldn't pay me enough to become his wife for better or worse. I've seen too much of the "worse" in that deal, and I know that it would just get worse and worse if we would have married. It isn't THAT that bothers me. The thing that bothers me...I guess it is the fact that so much of my future was planned with him in it. I mean, I was thinking way ahead here. I had the wedding, the kids, the old-people-on-the-front-porch-swing-still-holding-hands deal all planned out. And now that isn't coming true. Not with Les, and maybe not with anyone. Ever. That's kind of depressing.
And now, when your future has had a certain someone in it for over two years, it is hard to imagine the future at all. Not just without him, but at all.
I should feel happy, or at least apathetic. Instead, this is a time of sadness for me.
I rang in the new year by myself. I was eating popcorn and drinking some Sparkling Catawba. I had already had my first glass of wine for the evening and decided that I hated it. I'll be sticking to frozen daquiris from now on, although those things don't taste so good, either. Alcohol, despite the pleasing lure of forgetting my problems for a few hours, is abhorrent to me. Its taste is repulsive. I don't know how much of that feeling is real and how much is mental - my dad and grandfather were both alcoholics, and I've seen what alcoholism does to lives.
As I rang in the new year, me and my glass of Sparkling Catawba, I had never felt so alone in the world. My sister was off celebrating the new year with her boyfriend. My parents had fallen asleep hours ago. So it was just me...my glass of Catawba...and the news anchors on the FOX News Network. Yay. That's the way to ring in the new year...uh huh.
I should be happy. It's a new start...a fresh start. It's a year without Les. I can now say that Les is soooo last year. And my heart knows that. He isn't there. He is very far from my heart. But I have to see him 3 times a week - come on, it's driving me crazy! He has yet to say a word to me since October 28th. Over two months now. He once told me that he couldn't stay away from me. He once told me that he felt so free to be himself around me, and that he felt that he could talk about anything with me and not feel awkward. That same "man" (and believe me, I use the term VERY loosely) now runs whenever I get within 20 feet of him. And he hasn't spoken one word to me or even acknowledged the fact that I am still breathing for over two months. That shouldn't hurt. I should be glad that it was a rather clean break, that we didn't go through the stage of rehashing our emotions with one another. But...I was someone (I think) in his life for nearly two years that was IMPORTANT to him. Or was I? I think that he never loved me...he has shown through the months that the only person that he is concerned about is HIMSELF. Not God, not country, not anything like that. Just Les. That's his only concern.
He seems to think that if he can find the "beautiful" woman of his dreams, all of his problems will be solved. If she is just beautiful enough, then he will never feel the hurt, anguish, or pain that is common to the human existance. Sorry, bud, that isn't the way it works.
This is coming from a man who can't bathe frequently and doesn't cut his hair for months....his hair right now resembles a 'fro, if you get my drift. And he says that I don't take care of myself!!! I always bathe and smell nice, and my hair is as tame as I can get it to be (with naturally curly hair, that isn't much sometimes!!!)
I should be gleeful...I have had a man proclaim his unswerving love and devotion to me. I've written to this man for nearly two years now. One of the reasons I first wrote him was because I felt lonely - Les had just hurt me badly. So I decided to be nice, write someone who was lonely too, and then both of us would feel less lonely.
His name is Ignatius.
He is a nice enough sort. He has never treated me with anything but respect in his letters. He thinks that I am all that and a bag of doritos. He swears up and down that he loves me, respects me, and would be quite willing to love me for a life time. He even told me that I am all that he has ever looked for in a woman. Hmmm. If this had happened 2 years ago, or even a year and a half ago, I would be jumping for joy. I have finally found a man who loves me for me. That's great, right?
So what happens when you don't love this man back? And yet you are so afraid that you will never have another man in your life? What do you say to him? He's confessed his love to me before, but that was right when I was entering a relationship with Les and Iggy stopped writing for a while. I asked for an explanation, and he sure gave it.
I've hurt this man beyond belief. I've told him how much I loved Les. I've chosen Les over him countless times. I've stopped writing him for months on end. I didn't have enough time for him - ever. And yet he comes begging back for more? Gee, he must think highly of me.
And I think highly of him. Really, I do. He is a good Christian man, nothing like Les at all. He is kind, compassionate, and considerate. And he thinks that I am "da bomb." He thinks that I am a blessing from God. He thinks that Heaven is missing an angel (that would be me ;).
Sometimes people tell me to look to the ways of old for knowledge. So I look. And I see people entering relationships who don't love one another, but have a very high regard for one another. And those are the marriages that have lasted 60 years. Most of them say that respect came first, then love grew as their marriage grew. I can see that in my own grandparents' marriage. My grandfather was 31 years old, never married. My grandmother was 17. My grandfather wanted a wife and a family of his own. My grandmother wanted a way to escape a bad home life. So they got married. Love wasn't in the picture, but respect was. And, throughout the years, they grew to love one another. They loved one another greatly. It's a great love story.
And I see all of these divorces around me. One of the reasons psychologists believe there are so many divorces is because people marry because they feel that they are in love. So they marry people who they don't really respect, often against family wishes, because they have feelings for them. God knows I almost did that with Les!!! And then, once those feelings disappear, they fall "out" of love and get a divorce, seeking those euphoric feelings that don't last forever.
Perhaps Ignatius said it best. He said that no matter what you feel for a person, no matter how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, all of that eventually leaves. And it is what you have based your relationship on that determines if it lasts or not. If you've based it on those fickle feelings, then your relationship won't stand. But if you have based it on mutual respect and admiration, then your relationship may last forever. It's true, sounds so very right. But does it sound right enough to end up getting into a relationship in which I don't love the man, but respect him greatly? Aren't I cheating him if I enter into a relationship in which he loves me, but I don't love him? Shouldn't he find someone who he loves and who loves him back? I think that is only fair. I have written him a letter saying as much. I will see his answers before I come back with anything else about the matter.
As you can see, I am greatly confused about the whole thing. At times something makes sense, and at other times it doesn't. At some times, I think that I should get involved with him because he is good and kind and Christian and so many things that I have been looking for in a man. And then, in those times, it seems quite right. But there are other times when I think that I shouldn't get involved with him because I don't love him. So many others find love, why can't I find it down the road with a man who I respect AND love? And then, there are days where I say that I have given up on relationships entirely, and that I will be content to live as a spinster for the rest of my days. To be honest, the last option makes the most sense - and will end up in the least hurt.
I am making the preparations of being a lonely old spinster. I already have the little house dream going. Just move into my own little house with a cat and a cozy rocking chair in which to do my sewing. And sewing takes a lot of time, a lot of time that could be spent wondering why I am so unloveable.
I've been moping around the last couple of days, feeling very uncharacteristically sad and depressed. That's not my new nature, I know, but sometimes it comes back. On the 31st it came back in full force. Perhaps I am grieving over what could have been, if Les had been different....and now, what may never be in my life. I may never have a wedding day. I may never feel a child grow inside of me or have my own little baby placed in my arms. I may never have another hand to hold. I may never have a 10th anniversary, or a 25th, or even a 50th. I may never change my last name. I may always be a Miss or Ms. I don't know. I guess only God does.
I have a friend who is very in-tune to God. Her name is Mary, and God tells her stuff. Really, He does. I've seen it happen in front of my very eyes, things that she has said that are very very true. Anyways, she says that I will get married.
What if I don't want to get married? Does anyone ever think of that? Huh? You know, not everyone will have the white picket fence dream come true. And would God really force me to get married when His Book, the Bible, basically says that it is MY choice to get married?
Yeah, I know that I am ranting and running around in conflicting circles. It is 4:12 am on the 2nd. It is very late, so I have an excuse for my rantings and ravings ;)
More next time...I sure gave you a bunch to read today :)