I am not looking forward to this holiday season at all. This is my first "alone" Christmas since the breakup, and I never thought that I would have to spend Christmas alone again. I thought that Les was truly the one. Gee, it just shows how naive I can be in some cases.
I can't honestly say that I miss him. It has been nearly two months, and all I can think about is how he treated me so badly. All the abuse that I went through, for him, and for what? It all came about to be nothing. That is how he sees me - as a nothing.
It is so hard to see him at church. So hard to see him staring at Karen and speculating about what thoughts he may be thinking in his head. My friend J.J. told me not to concentrate on him anymore, to find someone else that I find attractive and "displace" on that person when I feel tempted to look at Les. I am going to try it out this Sunday and see how it works. I am willing to try anything to help me get over these bitter feelings. I can't keep holding onto them, because it is only making me bitter.
I don't think that I will ever get married. I can't say that I actually WANT to get married. I like this new-found sense of freedom that I am experiencing as a single. The only thing that I don't like is the fact that now people think that I am lonely and that I need to be set up with a "nice man" and then every problem will go away. Yeah, right. I've faced that type of mentality before, and look where it got me. It got me with a man who wants someone who looks like Cindy Crawford. Yeah, that's something to be proud of, for sure.
I can't imagine myself trusting another man like that. I can't imagine even BEING with another man after the way that Les treated me. I'm not going to change myself for any man. I always hear how a man expects a woman to change her weight for him. How would a man feel if I told him that he needs to change the way he perceives beauty for me? He would tell me that I shouldn't make such demands of him. I feel that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Life is short. Why be so nitpicky and face the possibility of losing the love of your life because she didn't look like a supermodel?
Okay, my rantings are getting on my nerves! :) It is late (nearly 5am) and I have been doing without a lot of sleep lately. So I guess that it would just be better if I went to bed, eh? :)