Reed's Armory -- A Malcolm Reed Fanfiction Archive ..

Title: Necessary Distance

Author: Qzeebrella

Author's e-mail: [email protected]

Fandom: Enterprise

Pairing: ?/?

Rating: G

Category: Slash

Summary: One is thinking of the other on why he is attracted to him and decides to act.

Beta reader(s): Mareel, who smoothed the rough edges for me. Any remaining edges are mine, all mine!

Archived to Reed's Armory on 08/08/03.

I see him with one crewmember or another from time to time-- talking, laughing, and seemingly opening himself up. He allows himself to relax and yet...at the same time he seems to keep himself at a distance from others. He can switch from relaxed teasing to impressively controlled behavior in a crisis. Body tense, unable to keep still, he's focused solely on what is happening at that moment and what needs to be done.

He is also stronger than he looks. I don't mean in the physical way; I mean that he has an inner strength, integrity, and a determination that few others seem to see in him. You would expect someone in his position to be confident, self-assured, somewhat aggressive, a real go-getter. Yet he strikes me as somewhat shy, and he has retained a boyish awkwardness that is appealing. At times he seems tentative and gentle.

When working with people he considers friends, he relaxes a bit. When he forms friendships they seem to be long lasting and strong. Yet when necessary, he can be firm and unyielding towards his friends, strict with them, so as to point out behaviors or attitudes that are unacceptable. At times he has needed to be so strict, so unyielding with a friend that his actions were interpreted as being harsh. Yet after these incidents where he has had to be unyielding because of his position and responsibilities, he has been able to resume the friendship.

He takes care sure to renew the bond of friendship when it has been tested, helps the friend to understand that his duties and responsibilities require him to be harsh at times and that the hurt is not intentional. He helps them to understand the clear lines he must draw between duty and his personal life, the boundaries he needs to establish in order to uphold his position, and that those boundaries mean that sometimes the friendship needs to be a distant second in his life. He has slowly proved to those who doubted his abilities that he is indeed the best person for the job.

When we began this journey, there were many that doubted that he was the best person for his job. Including myself. They...we...took in his seemingly gentle appearance, his sometimes boyish demeanor, the way he seemed a bit awkward instead of self-assured. Instead of the aggressiveness seen in others who attain such positions, he seems to be more relaxed.

You would also expect him to be athletic, intently pursuing ways to push his body to the limit. Yet most of the times I see him in the gym, his movements are controlled, precise. The exercise he chooses indicates a desire to improve stamina over strength, precisely controlled movement and defense over brute force and attack.

There have been times that I thought he might be interested in me. I've noticed that gleam in his eyes when he sees me, and the smile on his face whenever one of us rescues the other from the latest 'dire situation', that we seem to encounter too frequently. The way he relaxes around me, then reigns himself in. First seeming to offer me friendship, then doing what he can to keep me at a distance. Approaching me, then withdrawing, perhaps in fear of coming to care too much. For he knows, as I do, that his duty and position requires a certain emotional distance in order to be able to do whatever might be necessary, including the ultimate sacrifice.

The more I get to know him, the more I am sure that he is the right one for me. He's strong enough emotionally to support me when I need someone to lean on, yet also someone who will allow himself to lean on me when he needs to. Someone who will do everything he can to protect me, rescue me, or die trying. Someone for whom I am willing to do the same--sacrifice everything for him.

I look up to see him standing at a viewport looking out at the stars we are exploring and know that I will have to risk everything right now.

For I have realized that I already love him. So I must risk everything. Cross the distance between us.

I must approach him with heart in hand. Tell him that I want to pursue a romantic relationship with him, that I hope we will be suited for a lifetime together. Say that we need to set aside ranks and be just ourselves when with each other. That rules and regulations will allow our relationship as long as we are able to do our duty and uphold our positions. I am sure we will be able to do this. We both have the inner fortitude necessary to keep our duty as officers separate from our personal lives...our romantic relationship should he accept my offer. And though I know he may turn down my offer, because of that potential conflict with our professional relationship, I still have to try. I have to risk the possibility that he may not even be interested in me in that way. I have to know for sure if it is within the realm of possibility for him to love me back!

If it isn't, I will in time find a way to move on. If it is...if he can love me, I shall be the luckiest man alive.

There he is, standing at a viewport. Here I am, sitting at a table. We are the only ones in the messhall. It may be quite some time before circumstances leave us alone again. This is as good a time as any; I shall stand now and walk over to him heart in hand.

///

I'm standing at the viewport, trying to make it seem as if I'm looking out at the stars. In the reflection of the glass, I see the man I have come to love dearly. He's sitting alone, deep in thought. I've approached him tentatively before. So unsure of what his reaction would be, I've always withdrawn before committing myself, before stating out loud that I want more than just a professional relationship with him. I'm sure I've seen interest in his eyes. I'm positive that I've seen desire for me in his eyes. Yet I keep pushing him away. Because I'm scared of what a relationship with him might mean for me, afraid of the compromises it might require of me when it comes to my position and my duty. And scared of how vulnerable it would make me personally. It'd leave me open to a universe full of hurt if he weren't interested in trying for a lifetime together. For that is what I want with him; I doubt I could settle for less. I'm just not brave enough to take the risk of approaching him. Especially as I don't even know for sure if he could be interested in me in that way.

I see him look up at me standing here; there's a very determined expression on his face. His gloriously beautiful eyes seem fixed upon me. He's standing now and walking towards me, crossing the short distance between us. I gasp at what I think I see in the reflection of his eyes. Hope suddenly shoots through my heart and soul. Joy washes over me. I close my eyes briefly, desperately wishing and praying to whatever gods might be listening. 'Please let that be love I see in his eyes. If it is love for me in his eyes, I will be forever grateful. Please let that be love I see in Malcolm's eyes-- love for me, for Jon.'

~the end~