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Reed's Armory -- A Malcolm Reed Fanfiction Archive .. |
Title: Where All My Journeys End
Author: Mareel
Author's e-mail: [email protected]
Author's Web site: http://www.geocities.com/bdebpr
Fandom: Enterprise
Pairing: Archer/Reed
Rating: PG-13
Category: Slash
Series: Refuge
Sequel to: Held Constant
Summary: Guilt, grief, hope, home.
Spoilers: Storm Front
Comments: This is Malcolm's response to Jon's return in Storm Front. As much as they conveyed to one another by look and touch, there were things he simply had to say to Jon when they were back in one another's arms that first night home. The next fic in this series is Jon's POV from that same night, following this one. (Note that they were originally written in the reverse order and numberd that way when first posted. This is the correct sequence.) This is part of the Refuge series and does make reference to several earlier stories in that series. The one immediately preceding this one (Held Constant) was a response to a lyrics challenge, and it felt appropriate to go back to those lyrics for this part.
Archived to Reed's Armory on 11/11/04.
It would feel so good to be in your arms
Where all my journeys end
--Tracy Chapman, The Promise
Jonathan, we thought you were dead. I thought... when you didn't come back... that you didn't make it off the weapon before...
No, love... please... I need to say all this, and I need to have you hear it.
I was lost... empty. I'd failed you, failed in my duty... couldn't manage to keep my captain safe... and failed you as your lover, your partner. That vow I made, to protect you... I couldn't keep it. I should have argued with you about who would set the charges... it should have been me, Jon.
I couldn't live with losing you... not because of me. I was going to resign as soon as we returned to Earth. I kept thinking in circles... about what I could have done differently... if I'd argued more strongly for how much you were needed, that the risk was too great, despite your assurances that you didn't consider it a suicide mission. But I thought about all the times I have argued about personal risk and never changed your mind once it was made up... and I realized... I didn't want our last words to be an argument. That was selfish of me. But I wanted to remember the love in your eyes as you told me you'd no intention of dying there... that you'd be along shortly.
I kept Hoshi safe, got her home as you asked. But I couldn't save your life... and I had to return to Enterprise without you... announce your death. My heart simply locked down; no one spoke your name to me. I did my job on autopilot. I managed to visit Porthos in sickbay. He looked the way I felt... like shit.
I'll still resign if you ask it. I did fail you... I let you sacrifice yourself. That you didn't actually die is a bit of grace I'll always be grateful for... but it's by no help of mine.
I don't know where I was going to go, or what I'd have done. All I could think was that I needed to go first to the coast, to the place by the sea where we were married... walk the beach... sit silently... spend the night there... and finally let myself grieve... let the tide wash over my feet and take my tears.
Beyond that? I don't know. I thought maybe I might even stay there... for awhile. We were happy there. I could feel close to you, closer than anywhere else, except for out here among the stars... where your presence and absence were overwhelming.
From the coast, I'd be able to see the stars... count them. Porthos and I could walk the beach, rent a little house there. Maybe I'd write... I don't know... As I say, the plan broke down after the night I planned to let myself grieve...
Oh god, and now you're home... alive. I still need to go there again, but with you... reaffirm all our vows... just the two of us, beneath the stars...
And maybe... we can talk again of what we first spoke of there...
Jonathan, I want us to have a child.