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Reed's Armory -- A Malcolm Reed Fanfiction Archive .. |
Title: Personal Log
Author: Lucy
Author's e-mail: [email protected]
Fandom: Enterprise
Pairing: Tucker/Reed
Rating: PG-13
Category: Slash
Spoilers: Shuttlepod One (very slight)
Summary: Trip's Personal Log
Author's Notes: Just a little piece I wrote ages ago and finally thought I might post.
Archived to Reed's Armory on 10/04/2004.
PERSONAL LOG
"Trip?"
I can't say it, can't tell the man how I feel, so I dissemble like hell, only stupidly not thinking I lay the foundations of my own ruin.
"It's the Cap'n."
Malcolm goes very still and I wonder if I've made him angry. If that temper of his that I've only seen a coupla times, is going to burst forth.
"The Captain?" His voice is soft, there's a note of something in it, I don't know what and I'm not sure I want to know.
Sometimes I wonder where it all went wrong. I'm supposed to be Charles Tucker the Third, lady-killer, so when exactly did I fall in love with one of my best friends?
Certainly not at the start. Jeez Malcolm irritated the hell out of me at the start. All that British repression, the stiff upper lip, the strict adherence to protocol. Now, I'm in Starfleet, I know I have to abide by the rules but this guy, he takes it to a whole other level.
And it wasn't even after nearly freezing to death that time, sure we understood each other a little better after that but Malcolm was still just Malcolm. I know that doesn't make much sense but then I don't think anything here makes sense anymore.
The first time I knew, the first time I felt that little flutter under my ribcage was when I saw him talking to Hoshi in the mess hall. I don't know what Hoshi said but Malcolm was laughing, not just giggling but laughing out loud. Then he looked over at me and I felt it.
We just stared at each other, Malcolm smiled and I dissolved. Not literally of course. What I actually did was walk over to their table and sit down. When Malcolm's knee brushed mine I didn't bat an eyelid just kept right on eating like nothing had happened.
I can't remember what we talked about but I do remember Hoshi leaving and I remember Malcolm asking me if I'd ever played Risk before. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that it's his favourite game. Anyways it seems Malcolm had got hold of a old board from somewhere and wanted a game. I said yes but ended up regretting it.
Now I realise I'm not a tactical officer but that doesn't mean I don't have a mind for strategy and yet Malcolm beat me, hands down and it wasn't a fair fight. Too distracted I guess trying to analyse these new feelings of mine, prod 'em and find out if they're really real.
They're real all right, my problem is that I can't act on them. Why? I've got two words - Jonathan Archer. Yeah, this has to be ironic right? My best friend's in love with my other best friend who I just happen to be in love with. So there's no hope for me. I suppose I could ask Malcolm outright which of us he likes, which of us he thinks he could fall in love with but I'm scared that he won't choose me. It's weird I know but if I don't ask then there will always be the possibility that he might say my name. 'Sides I couldn't do that to Jon. No! I couldn't and I won't! I'm his friend and even though sometimes friendship means making sacrifices I'm not intending to change it.
Anyway that's how the conversation went and I don't know why I said anything. If I put ideas into Malcolm's head I'm sorry but I was scared. So I guess it's my own fault. If I wasn't such a coward who knows?
I'm gonna erase this log entry, then maybe I won't remember how stupid I've been. Some hope.
~the end~
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