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Reed's Armory -- A Malcolm Reed Fanfiction Archive .. |
Title: Choices
Author: Lucy
Author's e-mail: [email protected]
Fandom: Enterprise
Pairing: Archer/Reed, Tucker/Reed
Rating: R
Category: Slash
Series: Alone
Sequel to: Triangle
Summary: Malcolm has to choose.
Comments: This is an end to the Alone series. I hope it's not too confusing but all the boys demanded that they be allowed to have their say.
Archived to Reed's Armory on 04/24/2004.
Archer
I shouldn't have left Malcolm, not without trying to talk to him first. That thought has been reverberating in my head all night. I hope he'll understand why and forgive me but right now I've got a feeling that isn't going to happen.
"You wanted to see me sir?"
He's poker-straight in front of me, his voice flat and emotionless, his face even more of a mask than it is usually. In part this is why I left, this model Starfleet officer in front of me, an officer who regards fraternization as a deadly sin and yet I can't still the little voice inside reminding me that he hadn't objected to a little fraternizing last night. There's an even smaller voice telling me that this is what attracted me in the first place, his uprightness and strength of belief. Well there are other things too but these are the qualities that intrigued me from our first meeting.
I've always tried to be a friend to the people who have worked with me, it makes my job much easier if people feel they can talk to me and it makes for a happier staff and by and large I think I've done a good job but not with Malcolm. He resisted me from the start, making it clear that this wasn't how he expected a superior officer to behave and I made breaking through his crusty exterior a personal challenge. I thought I'd failed and I was convinced that my efforts had irritated Malcolm to the extent that he might consider requesting a transfer. After all, did he actually want a captain who is constantly trying to share confidences and be a friend when all he really wanted was to be left alone to do his job?
That's why I spoke to Trip, I was worried in case I'd pushed Malcolm too far. When he told me how Malcolm really felt I was stunned because I'd never allowed the thought that Malcolm might feel that way enter my head. That's why I went to his quarters to find out if it was real and I got my answer. I would never have imagined that Malcolm could be so... pliable.
"Sir?"
He doesn't look pliable now and if I didn't know Malcolm better I'd say that every rigid line of his body was screaming with indignation at me.
"Sit down Malcolm." I want the man to relax a little. I'd like to see another glimpse of the Malcolm that I held in my arms last night, the man who cried out my name until his voice cracked and I was sure the whole ship would hear him but he's well hidden behind those inscrutable eyes.
As I look at him, wondering which words I should use to try to mitigate my guilt I suddenly realise that perhaps now is the wrong time to do this. We're both on duty and if I speak now I could make matters worse. But how can I get through the rest of the day, the rest of my life, if I don't at least try to explain my reasons for leaving?
"I'm sorry." I had the whole night to think about it and those are the only two words I can think of. No explanations, just contrition.
There's a flicker of pain in Malcolm's eyes and he looks at me, unsmiling and says with an unusual emphasis, "I'm sorry too."
Reed
"I'm sorry too." And I mean it, although I realise the Captain has probably interpreted my words to mean something else. I'm not sure that discussing what happened between us is the right thing to do at the moment and where does Trip fit into all of this? Should I tell the anxious-eyed man sitting opposite me that I spent the rest of the night with his best friend? I never meant for this to get so complicated. Falling in love was the furthest thing from my mind when I came aboard Enterprise, falling in love twice... I never even countenanced it. Inexplicably I'm reminded of the film we watched two nights ago but which one of us is Rick?
I want to take his hand, tell him that I forgive him for leaving but I can't. Maybe eventually I'll do it but not right now. I'm awash with conflicting emotions and suddenly I decide that time and place aren't important.
"Why did you leave?" Briefly I see surprise in the Captain's eyes. "Did you decide you made a mistake?" There's no hiding the bitterness in my voice.
"No. It wasn't a mistake. It was wonderful." The words are sincere, Jon's eyes are shining at the memory of last night. "But," he says and the light fades, "the reality of it is I'm the Captain."
"And that means we can't be together?"
"It makes it difficult. For both of us." Jon's looking straight at me but I don't so much as blink, I'm determined not to make this easy for him.
"So it was just a one night stand?" I force the words out. "A never to be repeated performance?"
"You want more?"
Briefly I imagine myself vaulting across the Captain's desk and pinning him to the wall of the office while I ravish him but it's not a good plan.
"I'm sorry Malcolm."
I can't believe he's doing this, dismissing me and my feelings like this. You came to me Jon, you're the one who started this. That is what I'd like to tell him but when I open my mouth the words that actually emerge are, "after you left last night I spent the rest of the night with Trip."
I honestly don't know why I said it, maybe I'm hoping that Jon will become insanely jealous and declare his undying love for me. But what actually happens is that his face closes down. That's a bad description but it fits what happened. One minute the Captain's there and then it looks as though he's left his body. I reach out to take his hand, maybe physical contact will help but he steps back and now I'm angry again.
"I didn't ask for this," I struggle to keep my tone respectful, "to fall in love with two men." There's acceptance in Jon's eyes and I realise that he knew. "Trip wants me." He's folded his arms across his chest but I don't let my resolve waver, no matter how much pain is in his eyes. "Last night you left and Trip was there for me. This morning he knew I was coming to see you but he didn't ask me what I was going to do, what I was going to say to you."
"There must be a reason why you're telling me this."
Anger is making my tongue run away with itself but knowing this doesn't make me stop it.
"I don't understand how after last night you can just turn your back on me."
He doesn't answer but he's looking straight at me and suddenly I do understand. It's because of Enterprise. Jon's first loyalty is to her and to her crew and it always will be. He doesn't want to give me second best. It has to be all or nothing with Jon and so I get nothing.
"You have Trip." His voice is utterly emotionless but the hurt in his eyes makes my earlier resolution waver.
"You need to give me a reason to choose you." I tell him as the door whooshes open.
Tucker
"You need to give me a reason to choose you." Those words make me want to turn around and keep on going, away from Malcolm and my crazy feelings for him but Jon's seen me. I want to make it look as though I was just passing on my way to rebuilding the warp engine or something but I know that Jon knows exactly why I'm here.
I gave Malcolm what comfort I could last night but I should have known he'd still want Jon. Earlier I tried to convince myself that all he needed was closure, to know why Jon walked out on him but the way Malcolm's looking now, I know that it's not that simple. I don't want to be Jon's rival, not for Malcolm, or anyone for that matter. I guess I love them both and in a twisted way it makes my decision easier.
"You shouldn't have to settle for second best." Jon's carrying on an earlier conversation but I decide to butt in anyway.
"You're not second best." I've never really been a fan of self-sacrifice but Jon, on the other hand, he knows all about it. I guess he wouldn't be a starship captain if he didn't. Well maybe it's about time I gave it a try.
"Enterprise.."
"Has the best captain in the whole of Starfleet. The whole crew knows it and they wouldn't mind if he got romantically entangled along the way."
Malcolm's staring at me as though I've grown a second head but I keep on going. I know what I'm giving up but Malcolm and Jon were made for each other. I can't stand in the way of that no matter how much it hurts.
"I meant what I said last night," Malcolm steps towards me, his grey eyes intent on convincing me and I know he's made up his mind.
"I know you did but you belong with Jon." It's hard to believe those words are leaving my lips and I can't believe I'm so calm about all of this. Last night I thought I'd won Malcolm. Now I realise I just had him on loan for a short time and now it's time to give him back. "I love you Malcolm." I know I didn't mean to say those words. "I want you to be happy."
"Thank you." Jon's smiling at me and I really have to get out of here.
"Well those warp coils won't realign themselves." It's a stupid excuse for leaving but I can't stay here a moment longer, pretending that I don't care, that this isn't the most painful thing I've done in my entire life.
"Are you going to be all right?" There's deep concern in Malcolm's eyes and I'm touched.
"I'll be fine." I shrug and smile. "Hey, we'll always have Paris."
The biggest grin I think I've ever seen envelops Malcolm's face and he hugs me.
As I turn to leave Jon stretches out a hand. "Are you sure you'll be all right?"
I smile and stepping through the doorway I realise that not only will I be all right but in fact I'll be absolutely fine.
~the end~
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