issues4

              Coming Out To Your Parents:
                  Stages of Understanding

                                The process most parents go through
                           when their child's queer orientaiton is disclosed

1. Shock
      An initial state of shock can be anticipated if you suspect that your parents have no idea what you are about to share. It may last anywhere from ten minutes to a week; usually it wears off within a few days. Shock is a natural reaction we all experience to avoid acute distress and unpleasantness. Explain that you haven't been completely honest with them. Affirm your love and say it more than once. Remind them that you are the same person today that you were yesterday, and you haven't changed since then. Occassionally a parent will experienec no shock at all. In this instance, your task will be much easier, as they've already worked through some stages on their own.

2. Denial
     Denial helps to shield a person from a threatening or painful message. It is different from shock because it indicates a person had heard the message and is attempting to build a defense mechanism to ward it off. Denial responses may take the following forms: hostility (no child of mine is going to be queer), non-registering (that's nice, what do you want for dinner), non-caring (if you choose that lifestyle, I don't want to hear about it), or rejection (it's just a phase, you'll get over it). If their denial takes the form of "I don't want to talk about it," you should take a gentle and cautious initiative. If they haven't changed in about a week. Gently raise the subject again when they appear relaxed.

3. Guilt
     Most people who deal with queerness initially perceive it as a problem and ask what causes it. They think that if they can locate a cause, then a cure is not far behind. It is not uncommon for parents to ask: "What did I do wrong?" Whether the cause is genetic or environmental, many parents feel that they are to blame. They may question themselves as role models. The parent of the same sex usually feels the guilt a little more.
    You can help them in a variety of ways. Assure them that you don't believe that the cause is as simple as they see it; that there are many theories and that the origins are not known. Provide them with a book to read that is addressed to parents. Provide the phone number of the local PFLAG. Don't expect them to respond immediately to these suggestions; their shame and guilt may hold them back. Providing this information is like planting a seed that takes time to bear fruit.

4. Feelings Expressed
     When it is clear that the guilt and self-incrimination are unproductive, parents are ready to ask questions, listen to answers, and acknowledge their feelings. This is the point at which some of the most productive dialogue between you and your parents will take place. A full range of feelings may be expressed at this point by you parents. Since living in a homophobic society has forced you to experience many of the feelings your parents are facing (isolation, fear of rejection, hurt, confusion, fear of the future, etc.), you can share with them the similarities in the feelings you have experienced, however, allow them ample time to express themselves; don't let your needs overpower theirs. If they haven't read a book or talked to other parents, encourage them to do so. Anger and hurt are probably the most frequently expressed feelings, and they may seem spiteful and cruel. In order for your parents to make progress, it is better for them to express their feelings than to bury them and try to deny their existence. You may be tempted to withdraw, regretting you ever opened this issue; however, hang in there. When they begin to express their feelings, they're on the road to acceptance.

5. Personal Decision-Making
    It is common at this point for parents to retreat for a while and consider the options that lie ahead. The choice each person makes is a reflection of the attitude they are ready to adopt in dealing with the situation. Three kinds of decisions are described:
1. Most parents continue to love their kids in a way that allows them to say 'I love you' to accept the reality of the child's sexual orientation and to be supportive. In fact now that the relationship is on a mature level of honesty and trust, most parents say their relationship with their child is much better.
2. Sometimes parents make it clear that it is an issue that no longer needs to be discussed. Although you need to respect their stance, you can still make efforts to reach out to them. Cautiously let them know some things that you do are related to your sexuality; i.e., gay groups involved with. Make it a point not to let them drift away from you. Introduce them to some of your friends; meeting other homosexuals may help to break down some stereotypes they may hold.
3. In some instances your sexual orientation can be the stage for constant warfare. Everything you do is seen as a sympton of your 'problem.' As long as this condition exists you both are in a no-win situation. Try to get them to meet other parents. If all attempts fail, don't let the situation get you down. Find a parent substitute or friend whom you can turn to for support.

6. True Acceptance
     Some parents get this far, however, not all do. Time and patience is needed to be able to reach true acceptance.