If SNL did a "Roswell" skit...
by DarkLady

I know my script form is way off, but work with me. And it's funnier if you visualize it.

Chris Kattan: Max
Molly Shannon: Liz
Ana Gastyer: Isabel
Cheri Oteri: Maria
Chris Parnell: Alex
Jimmy Fallon: Micheal
Tim Meadows & Tracy Morgan: MIBs
Guest Hostess: Katherine Toponya

"Roswell" theme plays.

FADE IN

LIZ is walking around school when the new guidance couselor, MISS TOPONYA approaches her. Miss Toponya is acting very strange and has a nervous tick.

MT: "Liz Parker?"

Liz: "Yeah?"

MT: "I'm Miss" *tick* "Toponya, the new guidance counselor. I'd like to talk to you about" *tick* "your friend Michael."

Liz: "Oh."

MT: "Liz, your friend Michael is very hot" *tick* "I mean in great danger of fu" *tick* "flunking out."

Liz: "I see."

MT: "Next time you see him, tell him to come see me in my office, alone." *tick*

Liz: "I will."

FADE

to MAX, LIZ, MICHEAL, MARIA, ALEX and ISABEL at the ravine place they go to for meetings.

Liz: "I mean what kind of name is Toponya anyway?"

Maria: "Maybe it's an 'Armenian' name."

Liz: "No, I don't think so. I think she's dangerous."

Max: "You mean, like an alien hunter?"

Liz: "No, she acted so funny when she mentioned Michael. I think - I think she's an alien groupie."

Isabel: "COULD my life get any worse?"

Alex hugs Isabel. Liz hugs Max. Maria: "Wait, what's an alien groupie?"

Michael: "It's like a regular groupie, only for aliens."

Maria gets that shocked, horrified look on her face. "Are you serious?"

Max: "It's actually surprising we haven't encountered one before."

Alex: "What did she say, Liz?"

Liz: "She wants to see Michael in her office, alone."

Maria: "No, no, NO!"

Isabel: "You're not gonna go, are you Michael?"

Michael: "Of course not."

FADE OUT

FADE IN

Miss Toponya's office. Miss Toponya is working on her computer. SHOT of her screen, large letters say: 'I am close, very close. Subject should be meeting me soon.' There's a knock at the door.

MT: "Just a minute."

MT hurredly puts her computer away

MT: "Come in."

ENTER Michael

Michael: "You wanted to see me?"

MT: "Yes, please sit" *tick* "down."

Michael sits while MT locks the door behind him.

Michael: "What did you want?"

MT kneels beside him "You, Michael. I know what you are, and it's a huge turn-on for me."

Michael tries to lean away, but MT grabs him and runs her hands over him. "Miss Toponya I don't know what you mean."

MT: "You don't have to pretend with me, Michael. Have you ever been with a human female?"

Michael: "I'm sixteen!"

MT: "I won't hold that against you."

Door swings open and MIBs appear.

Michael: "Help, she's crazy!"

MIBs grab MT.

MIB1: "We're sorry, young man. This woman is mentally disturbed."

MT: "But he's an alien!"

MIBs look closely at Michael.

MIB2: "He's too disheveled-looking to be an alien."

MIB1: "She won't be bothering you again."

MIBs drag MT away.

FADE TO
Back at the ravine.

Maria: "I can't believe you went!"

Michael: "Actually it wasn't that bad."

Max: "The important thing is we're all safe now. Miss Toponya is gone."

Alex: "Yeah, but what if she comes back?"

All couples hug.

END