When I am dictator of the world.......there will be many big changes. The are just a few of the changes that I will implement. Some are quite extreme, while others merely reflect my views of a society that much closer to eutopia.
1) Holiday clothing will be outlawed. That's right. No more Halloween, Christmas, or any other holiday themed wardrobe will be permitted in public. This includes middle-aged women working at schools. If one is caught breaking this law, one will be stripped of one's clothes and a "______ is naked" holiday will immediately take effect. This is the only holiday that it will be appropriate to dress up for.
2) All bumper stickers that say "My child is an honor student at....." will be made illegal. If found in violation of this law, one's child will be forced to wear shirts that say "My parents are mundane sheep employed at _______" until the child's 18th birthday.
3) People who believe that it is wrong to eat breakfast foods for dinner and vice versa will be violating a new law. Old women who utter "pizza for breakfast?!!" will definately have something not traditional to early morning eating for the next few years. This rule also counts for people who aren't using the phrases literally. Saying "pancakes at three" simply inferring I don't really care what you eat or when you eat it, it's just kind of odd what you are doing is still in violation of the law. Why, you ask? That's what I ask when people say it. There is no point, so just keep it shut.
4)Television News Programs will have to follow a strict set of "new rules". They include the following:
-Absolutely no joke telling. They aren't funny. If one happens to tell a one-liner after a story, one will be shot with a stun-gun on the spot. If the one-liner is a play on words, the stun-gun is replaced with an AK-47.
- All news programs will be hosted by two people. One will be an homosexual vegan and the other a KKK member.
- When a story about a heat wave is run and citizens are interviewed, the citizens may not fall into the catagory known as "insanely obese." Those people sing the same song 365 days a year.
- The papers on the desk in front of the anchors will be removed. They read off teleprompters. The papers serve no point.
- When showing the weather forecast, the graphics showing a cloud for cloudy and a sun for sunny will be removed. We can read, thank you.
4) It will be made illegal to complain about both winter and summer. Each citizen will be required to register with the government one season to which he or she may legally complain about. If one is caught saying that one wants summer badly in the middle of december, and one has signed up as "can only wish for winter in summer", on will be forced to live in the coldest area of the world for life's duration.
5) Anyone who is caught taking a photo of an animal sticking its snout right up against the camera lens will be forced to have sex with that animal. It's not cute, original, or funny. The choice of 'dog with snout really close' user icon on Windows will be removed. The man who started the clothing line called "The Dog" with many different dog breeds in this pose will be arrested.
6) The man who created the late 90's "dancing baby" internet craze will be locked up in prision.
7) drugs, marijuana, prostitution, gay marriage, and abortion will all be legal, taxed by the government, and spent on 'bringing nanotechnology into the sex toy industry' programs. But they're degrading and sinful, you say. Don't like it? There's a simple answer. Don't do it. I don't celery, therefore I don't eat celery. Not that tough, people.
8) All magazines that promote stalkerish worship of famous people will be made illegal. This includes People. It will be illegal to dress up famous babies in lacy outfits and take pictures of them. All paintings such as Mrs. Freake and Baby Mary, Katherena Hooft and her Nurse, etc. will be burned.
9) All hotels will be required to place Michael Baigent's Holy Blood, Holy Grail next to the Bible in bedside drawers. Let the people decide what to believe.
10) All people who have had jokes publised in Reader's Digest and have recieved between $50 and $400 for their contributions will have the money immediately revoked. They simply were not funny. Anyone who laughs at them obviously needs to spend his or her money on things such as medical help and not this magazine. The only exception is the joke about the parrott. That one actually wasn't bad.
11) Popup windows will be made illegal. The only website that will be allowed to have popup windows will be that of the 700Club. In fact, it will be mandatory to have at least one Penis Enlargement popup, one Dormroom fantasy cam popup, and one scammed virus protection software popup on each page of that site.
12) Anyone who purchased duct tape and or bubble wrap within 24 hours after the Administration's post-9/11 terrorist warnings will be personally duct taped and bubble wrapped. It, by no means, is enough to air seal a house, but it just might make breathing tough. People who actually believe that duct tape can air seal something aren't helping the progression of humanity. I learned that in third grade science class.
13) All people who physically resemble any type of animal will be forced to have cosmetic surgery. It's just WAY too distracting.
14) Drinking and Driving will be made legal. However, it will be illegal to drink, drive, and crash.
15)The following movie genres will be prohibited from creating from:
- peewee sports teams
- Horror movies with a little girl as the villian
- talking animals going on a journey
- Kids having adult detective jobs
- movies with love triangles that do not result in a threesome.