journ

So, today is valentines day and to my great surprise I'm not sad or depressed about flying solo. There are so many transitions going on in my life that, I don't think I could focus on 'being' with someone in the way that I would want... That said, I feel like life is serving up exactly what I am putting in... I am recognizing that deciding to have WL surgery is making me think about how I let my body get this way in the first place. Some of it involved ending difficult relationships, but a lot of it simply involved ME not honoring or loving myself enough to care about being healthy. When I think about all the negative thoughts I have had about myself and my internal dialogue, I would never talk or treat any of my friends the way that I have treated myself, if I did I'd be 'friendless'. It's one thing to be self-critical, it's quite another to be 'self-loathing'. Unfortunately, I have been far too often the latter. So it begins with me... Before any surgeon's scalpel, before any pounds shed, I must do away with old paradigms and long standing beliefs. I must get rid of the notion that I am not loving or lovable. That is simply not true. My heart is big and when I trust in it, it is always steady and true. So on this St. Valentine's day, I have decided that the best valentine I could ever receive is ME. I freely accept all the love that I have to give myself because I need it, I'm worthy of it and I deserve it! So do you.....!

So much on my mind today, where to begin... I received my litelife packet on Saturday and I read through everything. Maybe that means I'm going to be approved! I still haven't heard, but they don't send those packets out if they don't expect you to use them, do they? It has all the info I could ever want about the hospital, the do's and don'ts before and after surgery. What I should expect, the times of the support meetings and EVERYTHING! I am really, really getting excited!!!

Other news - Did anybody see Janet on HBO Sunday night? I watched and it reminded me of the fun I had at her concert at Staples. I thought she was better there than on HBO, but what about the 'basket grab!' That guy looked like he was going to pass out in front of 30k people! I don't remember that happening at Staples at all and we were pretty close to the stage. Must have been something she threw in special just for HBO. She looked good though. I want her abs just once in my life!

On to Battle of the Seasons last night, OH SO GOOD! Glad that Chadwick got the boot! I think he's kinda evil and certainly no regrets about Piggy. The next one that has to go is Steven. What a JERK! So much television last night (YAY!) ... And Angel... Oh, Angel I feel your pain, baby. So sad that Cordy went off with Gru. BTW, what is with his eyes? He has no pupils. I know they're contacts made to make him look different, but that's just weird. And his mouth sorta bugs me. It looks strange. So funny though that he was wearing Angel's clothes and had the same haircut. Hmmm, makes you think that Cordy's ideal is Angel. Speaking of t.v., I sometimes watch the Naked Chef on FoodTV (why I would ever turn to that station; glutton for punishment, I guess) So I was watching Jamie Oliver, the naked chef (of course he's never naked, dammit!) and I started thinking... he's kinda hot. Maybe I just go for a man that can cook. But there's something about him that is just a little bit sexy. I love his accent and that little lisp of his, but it's also the way he always samples his cooking with his fingers (I know -- in the too much information zone) Nevertheless, I watched him on Friday and here I sit on Tuesday, still thinking about him, oh, well. In between my television life, I am actually reading a really amazing book. It's not a traditional book, it's more like a working journal with mini chapters and questions, entitled, ne Day My Soul Just Opened Up, by Inyanla Vanzant. My mother gave it to me. You read a mini chapter each day, in the mornings and journal in the evenings. It goes for a forty day and night period. So far it has been very, very good. The introduction was amusing and I am loving the things that this book is making me think about. Even though I didn't really do anything special over the weekend, I am SO loving my life! Hope you are too!