I took a cab into town and toured the little shops. I went back into the record store, but alas, my pretty emo friend wasn't there anymore. I perused the dusty aisles of CDs, records, and cassettes, and pondered reviving the cassette tape and calling it hardcore and retro. I also ogled several lovely CDs and vinyls, but I had no record player, and not enough money to buy a CD and pay for a cab ride back to the ship�or where ever I decided to go. When the store closed at 9:00, I wandered aimlessly around the picturesque little port town. Being summer, a fair amount of people were still out and about, strolling happily, getting ice cream, and taking a last peek in the shops before they closed.

I loved nothing more than being on my own. Though this wasn't nearly as exciting or mystical as the night I'd run away, the same sort of content peace had settled over me. Only when I was free from those who restrained me did I feel this happy. It was times like these, when I was independent, that I felt like I was being who I really was instead of a perverted shadow of what everyone else thought I was or what I should be. Here, I was free from everyone who said I was delicate because I was nearly blind or nearly brain-dead. Here, I could see what I was capable of. Walking in a strange place, alone at night, this is me.

I'd always been independent. Arik had been afraid to take the bus to school until he was in fourth grade, but I'd gone by myself on my very first day of kindergarten ever with nary a quiver of heart. And, hell, I'd been surviving sans familial support for the past few months and years, hadn't I? I was more than capable of holding my own in a strange town.

It helped that I was too apathetic to care what happened to me anymore.

At 11:00, I was pondering taking a cab to Georgie's house when a police officer in a dark blue car with a siren on top slowed down beside me. My nerves prickled in memory of the last two clowns in uniform I'd dealt with, but the middle-aged woman who leaned out the window on one arm looked much more pleasant and intelligent. "Hey, kid," she called up, "it's kind of late. You got somewhere to be?"

I noted the familiar widening of eyes when she saw my eyepatch, but I smiled amiably to ease her suspicion. "Oh, I'm staying really close by, I'm just taking a walk because it's so nice out!"

The officer smiled. "Well, don't stay out too long, hun."

I was about to reply something cute and pleasant when a cab screeched to a halt directly behind us. Just as my suddenly plummeting gut feared, Arik Redde, Master of Bad Timing, leapt out, crying, "There you are! I've been looking all over for you!"

The police officer leaned back out and looked up at me, suddenly suspicious. I sighed irately and glared at the buffoon running towards me.

He took me by the arm. "Come on!

"Let go of me!" I yelled, yanking away.

"Harry, please!"

"Leave me alone!"

"Is there a problem here?" The officer had stepped out of her car and stood between Arik and I, stony-faced.

"N-no, officer�this is my little brother. We, eh, got separated earlier, and I've been out looking for him. Right, Harry?"

"Is this true?" the officer asked. "Do you know this man?"

I stared sullenly at the ground.

"Do you?"

"Come on, Harry!" Arik pleaded.

"Yeah, yeah, he's my brother," I muttered.

Arik stepped forwards and put his hand on my shoulder. "Let's get back to the ship, it's getting late," he said, sweet-like. He gave the officer a quick nod and murmured, "Thank you, ma'am."

The officer looked from Arik to me, nodded sternly, and got back into her car. "Take care, you two."

"Have a nice night," Arik replied, sickeningly courteous.

Once we were in the back of the taxi, Arik let out an exasperated sigh that would have deflated a weather balloon. From the sound of it, this had been the most stressful conflict his little brain had ever had to deal with.

"Real funny, Harry!" he grunted, rubbing his forehead. "Hilarious! Do you have any idea how scared I was? Christ, I nearly had a heart attack when I realized you weren't in the shower! I've been out looking for you for hours! I was absolutely terrified that I was going to have to call Mum and Dad and say I'd lost you after only one day!"

"Boo-fucking-hoo, a tarnish on your perfect record," I muttered. "You shouldn't have wasted your time looking for me. I would have come back eventually. Maybe."

"Yeah, before or after we sent the National Guard out to find you? Harry, you can't keep running off whenever you don't get your way-it's so dangerous! You could be mugged or kidnapped or hurt!�and what about your sensitive vision? Anything could happen! It terrifies me to think of it!"

I groaned. "I'm not helpless, you know. I seem to manage pretty well on my own, don't I? And don't pretend you'd care anyway. Just shut up."

"Don't tell me to shut up! Look, you are not going to pull the same crap with me that you do with Mum and Dad! At home you'll just get grounded, but if you fool around on the ship, you could get yourself killed!"

"Which would probably be an improvement, overall."

"Ugh! You may not care about your life and your safety, but I don't want to have to bring you home in a body bag, got it? Mum and Dad would never forgive me if I let anything happen to you."

I snorted. "That's a laugh! They'd probably throw a party and give you a fucking medal!"

Arik looked at me. "That's a horrible thing to say."

"The truth can be cruel."

Arik furrowed his brow, concerned, but before he could speak, we arrived back at the boatyard, and I jumped out. I took off for the ship, leaving Arik to pay and dismiss the taxi driver. When he caught up to me, I'd already crossed the dock and hopped down onto the deck.

"Harry, wait," he called, but I went inside and closed the sliding door in his face.

"Harrison-Addison, hold up, we need to talk," he persisted. I stopped, on my way to my room, and turned around to face him.

"Christ Almighty, what the hell do you want?"

He waited for a moment, catching his breath. When he spoke, his voice was gentle. "About what you said in the taxi�why do you keep saying that Mum and Dad wouldn't care if you died?-and that I wouldn't care, for that matter?"

I snorted nastily. "That's a stupid question. Mum and Dad don't want me around any more than you do. You've all said so. I'm a bastard to be with." My throat had suddenly tightened painfully.

"I never said I didn't want you around me. It's just when you act like this that annoys me, that's all. I'm sorry I lost my patience with you, but you really have been difficult. I like to have you around, usually�I was the one who suggested that you come stay with me, you know."

My head snapped up, surprised. "It was your idea?"

Arik was taken aback by my sharp tone. "Well, yeah�I needed a crew, and you seemed so unhappy at home. I figured I'd get you out of there before you and Dad lost it totally. And I thought�I thought maybe you'd want to spend the summer on the ship."

I felt a growl rising at the back of my throat. "You thought I'd WANT to waste my entire summer on this shitheap?!"

Arik's eyes flicked to the floor, subdued. "I know you don't have any special love for the 'Sugar, but�but I thought maybe you'd rather spend the summer with me instead of having to deal with Mum and Dad�?"

I let out a shrieky bark of laughter. "You're the last person I'd want to spend my summer with!"

Arik stepped back, stunned. "I�w-why?"

My face was hot, and my eye prickled with tears. "Why do you think, you faggot? I hate you! I fucking hate you, and I wish you were dead!"

I may as well have slapped him across the face. He stared at me, shocked. I glared back at him, breathing hard and sniffling back tears, my entire body burning. I waited for him to yell or scold or hit me.

But then he did something I never expected.

He burst into tears.

His eyes went red and glassy, and he covered his mouth and nose with his hands as he exploded into weeping. He turned away from me, his body shuddering with desperate sobs.

I gawked, completely stunned. What, this was a surprise to him? Or was spontaneously bawling a bit of gay flamey-ness I'd never picked up on? What was he doing? Why was he crying?!

Seeing my brawny twenty-five year-old brother bawl was more than I could handle. Uncomfortable, I fled the room and threw myself into the spare room across from the bunks. I shoved the door closed, feeling weak and sick, and collapsed with my back to it. I felt like I'd been kicked in the chest. I'd seen Arik cry before-hell, he spent the entire Christmas season glassy-eyed after Bryce left him�but I'd never personally made him cry with something I'd said. And hell, I'd told my parents the same thing, and they just yelled at me for talking back! No one else cared what I said�why did he?

I held my spinning head in my hands. I felt bad for saying what I had-bad for telling the object of my loathing, the man I'd wished death upon a thousand times, how I really felt about him. I'd hated and tormented him innumerable times in my mind�so why did I feel so guilty now that I'd voiced the thoughts aloud?

I heard and felt a weight slump against the opposite side of the door. I picked my head out of my hands and ceased breathing for a moment. From the opposite side, I could hear my brother's heavy breathing and sniffling.

"Harry," he said, his voice so low I could barely hear it through the door. "You really�hate me?"

I didn't answer. My throat had closed up, and I was wheezing for breath.

A few minutes later, he whispered, "W-why then? Why don't you like me?"

Because Mum and Dad love you, and they don't love me. Because you're everything they want, and everything I'll never be. Because your mere existence outshines all the collective achievements of my life. Christ, Arik, how can you not know that?

He let out a particularly loud sob, and when he spoke, his voice was painfully tight. "Is it because I'm gay?"

I whirled around and stared at the door, surprised and confused. What on earth was he thinking? That was the only thing I liked about him!

I slowly stood up and opened the door. Arik scuttled around and looked up at me from the floor. His face was red, his eyes glassy. The last time I'd seen him look so grief-stricken was when he'd walked into the house and gasped, "Bryce and I broke up," before collapsing into sobs.

Transfixed and terrified by his face, I shook my head slowly. "N-no," I whispered. "I-I really don't care that you're gay. I don't. Th-that's not it."

He wouldn't take his eyes off mine. "Well, then, why? What did I do to make you hate me? What's wrong with me?"

Anger welled in me again, and I clenched my fists. "Nothing!" I snapped, my voice cracking. "Nothing! There's nothing wrong with you! You're fucking perfect, okay? That's what's wrong!"

He looked completely bewildered. Gradually, he pulled himself to his feet, and once more he was a head taller than me. "I-I don't understand," he whispered. "What do you mean perfect?"

My insides felt like a swarm of sharp, wriggling insects. "You are. You're everything you're supposed to be�you never do anything wrong-you're exactly what Mum and Dad want!"

Arik gave a curt, mirthless laugh. "That's not true at all!"

"YES, IT IS!" I screamed, and I spun and kicked the door hard. It swung back and crashed against the cabinet on the wall. "Do I have to fucking spell it out for you? You're smart, handsome, obedient, athletic, cheerful, a pilot�they worship the ground you walk on! No matter what you do, you're always their Goddamn perfect, favorite son!"

"Harry, Harry, you've got it so wrong�"

"SHUT UP! What would you know about it? I'm the one who has to live with it! I'm the one who sees it fucking twenty-four hours a day!"

Arik sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Harry, Harry� And that's why you hate me?"

Tears flooded my good eye. All I could do was nod.

"I-I don't understand�I can't help that-why would you hate me for it?"

I screamed and kicked him hard in the shins, and he leapt back with a yelp.

"Because I'm not like you! Because I'm supposed to be exactly like you, but I can't be, and�and�" I was babbling hysterically, tears flowing unchecked down my face. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts to have every fucking piece of my life compared to yours? I will never be you�I will never be as good as you at anything�I'll never win against you! Do you have any idea how much it hurts to be unwanted�to be not good enough, not loved enough�just because I'm me?!"

Arik's eyes narrowed sympathetically and went glassy�that seemed to have sunk in between the sideburns. He reached out to put his hands on my shoulders, but I pulled away, stepping back into the salon.

"D-don't touch me!" I was shaking�my limbs were trembling and my jaw was quivering so fiercely, the tears were bouncing off my chin.

Arik sounded calm and level, but there were tears in his eyes. "Harry, Harry, calm down, buddy, calm down. You don't have to be me�where did you ever get that idea?"

Stop playing stupid! "Are you an idiot? Haven't you ever heard them? Do you have any idea how many times a day I'm told, 'Why can't you be like Arik?'" I was losing it now, flailing my arms, and jumping up and down. "Every single day, it's 'why can't you dress like Arik?' 'Why can't you be as smart as Arik?' 'Why can't you behave like Arik?' 'WHY CAN'T YOU FUCKING BE ARIK?!"

"Harry!" Arik reached out with both hands and seized me by my hair. He held me in place while I sobbed and hyperventilated, my chest in torment.

"This is it, isn't it?" he said, pulling me closer to him. "Mum and Dad�this favoritism, this criticism�this is what's been tearing you apart these past few months, isn't it?"

"They don't love me."

I'd said it out loud. What I'd known deep inside for so many months now, I'd finally admitted to someone else�and I felt like I was erupting like Mount St. Helen's�everything suddenly exploded in a hysterical, incoherent rant, and there was nothing I could do about it.

"They don't love me!" I shrieked, crumbling into violent tears, my entire body collapsing on me�but Arik held me up by his strong grip. "Even if you'd never been born, they'd still hate me�they can't stand me�I'm just a problem to them!"

"Harry!" Arik cried, his hands shifting to my shoulders to get a better grip on me. "You-you don't think Mum and Dad love you? Oh, Harry, but they do�!"

I shook my head, completely hysterical�I felt like claws were tearing my chest apart. "They don't! I'm worthless! They told me! They're always so mad at me! I know I did a lot of bad stuff, but I couldn't help it! I'd get so mad�I wouldn't have done any of that if they didn't do this to me first! Now they don't trust me anymore�they've given up on me! They don't care enough to try to help me anymore�did you see how happy they were to abandon me here?!"

"Mum and Dad love you so much!" Arik wailed, his cheeks glinting. "I know they say things, and I know they lose their tempers, but you have to believe me! Harry, that night you ran away, Mum and Dad were worried sick about you�I'd never seen them like that before! Mum cried for hours!"

"Yeah, and when I got home, Dad grabbed me and shook me, and he said I deserved to be hurt! He said I was spoiled and arrogant and selfish! He said I was a problem, and that he was ashamed to be my father! He always says that�they both do! They say I'm selfish and spoiled and stupid and scrawny and ugly and arrogant! He tells me I'm a worthless piece of shit! And he keeps hitting me�he keeps hurting me! The doctor thought I was being abused because I have bruises on my arms and face!"

"Harry�"

"I can't take this anymore! My family is the one thing I can't escape, but it's destroying me�I keep thinking about doing crazy things, because I can't take any more of this! I'm being a fucking jerk to everyone, because I don't know what else to do�my own parents don't love me! Who can love me if my own parents can't? What's the point of living like this, if everyone hates me? I SHOULD JUST FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY!"

"Oh, God, NO!" Arik screamed, tears rampant down his face, his body shaking as much as mine. "No, no, no, please, Harry, no! Don't say that, Harry, please! Harry, Harry, I love you so much!"

And he pulled me to his chest and embraced me�I tried to resist, but couldn't�and I melted against his chest, for it had been so long since I'd been hugged and told I was loved.

His strong arms crossed my back and held me tightly. I clutched desperately at his shirt, soaking the Abercrombie logo with my tears. We stood there, crying and crying, our bodies trembling in time together. I couldn't remember the last time I'd hugged Arik�I couldn't remember the last time I'd hugged anyone, especially like this!

I couldn't think�all my thoughts had jumbled into a chaotic mess and my body was out of control and everything was out of control�after months and months, this was the breaking point, the collapse, the breakdown. I'd rebelled and yelled, run away from home, thrown tantrums, mutilated myself, destroyed things, cried and cried and screamed-I'd nearly lost hope in myself and my life�and now, at the climax, I was being held and told I was loved by the man I hated most.

I needed this.

I had no one�I was cut off from my friends and imprisoned by my family. Everywhere I turned, there was more yelling and more crying, more angry words telling me that everything I was doing was wrong. Yeah, I acted out, and yeah I disobeyed-but I still needed a family who would love me and take care of me! By now, I was so desperate, it didn't matter if they never loved me as much as Arik�I want to be loved, even if just a little!

Oh, Christ�I dug my fingers into Arik's sides, pressing my face into his chest�of all people, why was it he I was clutching now; why was it he who was holding me and stroking my hair?�Shit, I didn't even care anymore, so long as there was someone in the world who would still hold me like this-Don't let go of me!

He ran his fingers through my hair, whispering, "It's okay, Harry, it's okay�"

"S-sorry," I sobbed. Sorry that you have to stand there with your loser little brother bawling all over you.

His chest vibrated with his soft words. "No, no, don't be sorry. Crying helps. Cry as much as you need. I'm here."

I'm here.

I cried anew. My eyes were scrunched shut and my innards spun with sickness, but I clutched him and tried to keep my heartache in my stomach. He was warm and strong, and he smelled faintly like airship exhaust from working in the engine room. His cotton shirt stuck to my sticky wet face, and below it I could feel the gentle rise and fall of his chest and the slow pounding of his heart. His sobs had quieted, and his hand moved slowly, rhythmically through my hair. This is my brother, I thought in amazement, as if none of our fifteen years together had happened. This is Arik.

He loves me.

I don't think I've ever been so close to him as I was then, physically or emotionally. I think if he had pushed me away then, I would have shattered into a million screaming shards.

next chapter�