Eleventh grade. Bang! Welcome to the real world.

Bang, bang, blood on the ground and a hole in my chest.

Just because I knew I was a freak didn�t mean everyone else had to know. In fact, I took pains to make sure no one had reason to doubt my masculinity.

I took to dating girls, more or less, and somehow gained a social life.

�ArikArikArik!� Roger yelled, barreling down the hallway after school one day. He grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me around with such ferocity that I would have fallen if he hadn�t been clenching me so tightly. �You�re gonna love me, man!� he exclaimed. He faced me, holding me against the wall with his hands still around my shoulders.

And leaned down and kissed me soundly on the mouth.

Only in your dreams, Arik.

�I just scored us both dates for this Friday! And oh, not just any dates, oh, no�OH, you�re gonna LOVE me!�

�Wh-what?� I asked, befuddled.

�Marisa Lucciano and Kelsi Torelli!�

I gasped. �Marisa and Kelsi?!�

�Marisa and Kelsi!� he confirmed.

�With us?!�

�With us! Well, technically, Marisa is for me, and Kelsi is for you. We�re going to the movies this Friday�you had better be free!�

I could feel my mouth hanging open in a stunned gawk. Marisa and Kelsi were the two Italian princesses who pretty much ruled the upperclassman social scene. With their long dark hair, golden skin, and thong underwear, these two best friends were the girls to know and be with. They were easily the most �popular� girls in my grade, and therefore they had never even spoken to me.

�H-how did this happen?�

�Well, I was flirting with Marisa in study, and Kelsi mentioned that she had always thought you were cute, so I said we should double-date. You owe me, man, this is the jackpot!�

�What movie are we seeing?� I asked, head spinning.

Roger laughed out loud. �Who cares? Arik, this is Marisa and Kelsi! Watching the movie is the last thing we�ll be doing!�

I was antsy about telling my parents, even though it would do well to throw them off the �queer trail�.

�Ooh,� teased my father, �Arik�s got a date!�

�But that�s our anniversary!� Mum pointed out as she loaded plates into the dishwasher after dinner. �We need you to baby-sit Harry that night.�

�But Muuuum!� I whined. �Roger is counting on me! The girls, too! They�ve already planned on going.� I so did not want to be the one to ruin our once-in-a-lifetime plans.

�Well, what are we supposed to do with Harry? We can�t take him to the restaurant with us. Why don�t you take him with you to the movies?�

�NO WAY!� I protested immediately, as horrid images of a Pikachu-toting Harry with his finger up his nose burst into my brain. Not only would that be so uncool, but if anything like what Roger was suggesting were to happen, it would simply not be decent for the five year-old�s one little peeping eye.

Dad came to my rescue�somewhat. �Oh, Molly, a guy doesn�t bring his baby brother on a date with girls!�

�I�m not a baby!� Harry declared indignantly from on top of his booster seat.

�Well, who can we get to sit him, then?�

�I can stay by myself!� Harry said, and everyone ignored him.

�I don�t know, but definitely not me!� I snapped. I was a total spoiled brat back in those days. Having been an only child for ten years, my parents had never said no to me. I hadn�t really been worried about the movies: even if my parents had to skew their plans, I would get my way in the end.

�Well, what about that friend of yours, Marguerite?� Mum opted. �She baby-sits, right?�

�No,� I disagreed, scrunching up my nose. �Because, see, she has a mega crush on me, and if she hears that I�m going out with another girl she�ll be hurt.� Naw, she�d find out anyway, I just didn�t want my obsessed fangirl to be going through my underwear drawer when I wasn�t home.

�Oh, well, your life is just so complicated, isn�t it?� Mum snorted, getting annoyed.

In the end they booked a neighborhood girl to watch Harry and I got to go to my movie, providing I baby-sat Harry the next few times they needed me.

Not that I was particularly excited about the �date� aspect of the whole thing. It wasn�t even because I was gay: I simply did not really care for these girls. They were beautiful young women, but that was where their favorable attributes ended. They were popular, so therefore they were nasty, backstabbing vipers. It was good for our reputations in the social scene, but that was probably about the extent of the good they�d do us.

But whatever. Maybe I was wrong about them. It would probably be fun. At the very least, it�d deter people from suspecting that I was gay. And maybe spending some time with girls would be good for me. Maybe if I got a girlfriend I�d be able to snap myself out of this hideous queerness.

That Friday evening, Roger picked me up in his convertible and teased me the whole way to the movies because I whimpered that my hair was getting destroyed.

�You and your hair, my God,� Roger groaned. �One of these days I�m gonna shave your head while you sleep.�

�You do and I�ll cry for days.�

�You probably would, wouldn�t you?�

He was wearing cologne that smelled so nice I wanted to press my face to his shirt and fall asleep in the loveliness. He was wearing a cute dark red polo shirt under his sports jacket, and blue jeans. He�d worn that jacket for all the time that I�d known him, the blue denim-like one with the brown sleeves and collar.

We walked into the movie theater together, eyes peeled for the girls. When we found them standing in the lobby, my first thought was, Aren�t they cold? For, true to their species of girl, they weren�t wearing much. Each sported a spaghetti-strapped thing (not enough fabric to be called a shirt, really) with their bra-straps in clear view. Their shirts were deep-cut, and they didn�t leave much to the imagination when they bent over. There were about three inches of bare skin both above and below their navels so that we�d know they threw up after all their meals. Marisa had her belly button pierced. Their jeans were so low-cut I was amazed they were even staying up, and so tight I figured their toes must be blue.

I guess you know you�re gay when you see girls dressed like that and the first thing that pops into your mind is: Ew, gross!

Roger, on the other hand, whistled loudly. �Woohoo, look at these two cuties standing here all alone!�

�Hi Roger,� Marisa breathed, stepping up to him, sliding her hands around his waist into his back pockets, and kissing him lightly. She was obviously not going to waste any time.

�You look cute,� Kelsi tweeted, looking at me flirtatiously.

�Oh,� I said. �Thanks.� After a moment, it occurred to me to lie, �You too. You look really nice.� I guess I was going to have to pay attention and put some effort into this if I wanted to play the hetero thing.

And yet, I could feel my cheeks burning already just watching Marisa hang on Roger like some sticky-fingered toga. She was very tall, all long lean legs, so she was just the right height to curl her arms around his shoulders and whisper in his ears.

And she seemed to have realized this.

He had, too, of course, his eyes locked on her flawless face�with occasional glances below her neckline. She had such a harlot�s face, I decided, with her sharp chin and high cheekbones, her perfect little nose, and those irresistible eyes: seemingly mammoth and dark brown and wet, heavily leaden with eyeliner and mascara. Her forehead was high and arrogant, and wrapped in a tight headband that appeared to be a knee sock (Why wearing a sock on your head is considered attractive is beyond me.) That hair was much too perfect, that dark, shining Herbal-Essence-commercial hair that she twirled so sensuously between her French manicured talons.

Oh, she was a crafty one, that Marisa. I�d have to keep an eye on her�and not the kind of eye Roger was.

Whilst I stood there thinking this and plotting Marisa's demise, Kelsi got pouty because I was ignoring her. I was brought back to reality by a sudden overwhelming wave of feminine perfume as she positioned herself in front of me and nipped at my waist with her fingers.

She was pretty, I supposed, but in a more innocent way than that prostitute yonder. She had a slightly thicker, more womanly and believable body, and she was shorter�my height, and isn�t that convenient? Her brown hair was pulled back tightly and wrapped in a thin headband that was very much so not a knee sock, although it may have been a bra strap. Her ponytail held back a bouncing cloud of shiny, oiled ringlets that danced around her neck. Her nose was small and round, her lips thick, full, and wet with lip-gloss.

We walked to the counter, Roger and Marisa holding hands and talking jubilantly; me with my hands in my pockets to discourage such affection�I simply did not know this girl!�and Kelsi did not take the hint and latched onto my elbow.

�You boys buy the tickets, we�ll meet you in the theater,� Marisa said, and she and Kelsi ran off giggling to the bathroom.

Girls and their darn bathrooms! God, what is with that?

As Roger ordered the tickets for our showing it suddenly occurred to me that I was expected to pay for Kelsi�s ticket, being her �date� and all.

�Roger, can you lend me a few bucks?� I asked in a low voice, prodding his elbow. �I forgot to bring money for Kelsi.�

�Some boyfriend you are,� Roger teased, handing me the few dollars that he could spare.

�I�m not her boyfriend. I barely know her!� I muttered defensively.

I had just enough money for the two tickets. Not enough for the super-expensive popcorn, however. This peeved me. Movie popcorn is half the reason I go to the movies. It�s just so good, and only in a movie theater can you get something that delicious. And now I couldn�t have my much-anticipated popcorn all because I had to pay for some unappreciative ditz�s ticket.

�Oh, whose idea is it to make guys pay anyway?� I complained. �Didn�t their Women�s Rights Movement take care of that?�

�It�s called being a gentleman, moron,� Roger said. �You�re really clueless about this dating thing, aren�t you?�

The girls rejoined us a few minutes later with freshly painted faces and we went into the theater. I stuck close to Roger and made sure to sit next to him. This seemed to irk Kelsi, who wanted to spend the whole movie able to chatter into Marisa�s ear. But, oh, did I ever NOT CARE!

Kelsi jabbered at me about some other girl from school, and I politely nodded and agreed, all the while thinking, Why the hell are you telling me this? It really is not a turn-on to start your first conversation by degrading someone else. I mean, this was the first conversation we�d had, so right away she tells me all about how Michelle is just SUCH a conniving little bitch and OH MY GOD she SO stole Allison�s boyfriend! For God�s sake, why not just come out and say, �Hi, I�m so shallow you couldn�t take a pill with me, and I probably have no hope of maturing in the next five years!�

But of course I couldn�t let on that I was feeling the urge to slap this girl across the face. I�m docile and complacent by nature, and I�ve been told I hide things well. So smile and nod, Arik, just keep smiling and nodding.

The movie started soon enough and rescued me. I don�t have any recollection of what movie it was, although I think it was one of those lame dime-a-dozen chick flicks. Obviously, the girls had picked it. (So the girls had picked the movie AND made us pay for them. And they say this is a male-dominated society?) At least the talentless leading actor was cute. But of course, the reason I was here tonight was so I could stop thinking things like that. So there went any hope of enjoyment this evening.

Roger and Marisa were whispering to each other and giggling themselves silly, their heads leaned in close together. They had obviously disregarded my and Kelsi�s presences. Kelsi and I both fidgeted awkwardly. Every now and then she leaned over to murmur something irrelevant in my ear. God Almighty, did I ever want popcorn.

I was trying to keep a positive attitude, I really was. This was supposed to be fun. Every other boy and girl in the world would be having a wonderful time. Every guy in the school would give his eyelids to be sitting where I was now.

Yeah, you stupid queer, try to enjoy this.

I really was antsy, though. Roger had long since abandoned me, and I don�t fare well in social situations anyway, never mind when alone and with a girl of a completely different species. Not that I could blame him. The poor insecure boy was no match for the Harlot Queen�s doe eyes and python-smooth movements.

In no time at all he had his arm draped around her, and she leaned into his shoulder.

I started systematically ripping off the white lining of my fingernails, trying not to look. I felt rather alone.

Kelsi meanwhile kept rather noticeably leaning over and looking at Roger and Marisa, keeping close tabs on their physical displays of affection.

�Brrr!� she said, feigning a really pathetic shiver. �I�m so cold!�

Maybe you should have worn some friggin� clothes, dumbass, I thought.

I knew what she was getting at, though. Reluctantly, I stretched my arm around her. She happily scooted over and snuggled against my armpit. My skin instantly crawled. I�m a very affectionate, physical person, but this was one of those moments when body-body contact was painfully wrong.

After barely five minutes, my arm started to ache. I wondered if retracting it to restore my blood flow was against the rules of movie-theater dating.

Against my better judgment, I repeatedly glanced over at the happy couple to my right. They were most definitely not watching the movie. Marisa was slowly running her sharp-nailed fingers through his hair, letting the smooth locks slide through the gaps in her fingers.

My blood boiled. I clenched my teeth, trying with all my might to keep my eyeballs from exploding. Apparently unaffected by my telepathic death threats, the girl slipped her fingers down from his hair so that the tips caressed his smooth skin, slowly, slowly, tracing his low cheekbones and the line of his jaw.

You despicable whore, you get your DIRTY hands off my Roger NOW, you hear me?!

Of course she didn�t.

She kissed him.

My hand clenched the armrest in a death grip, my bleeding nails digging into the cheap fabric and plastic.

He kissed her back.

I bit a hole in my lip.

He kissed her again, and he was really kissing her�no quick pecks anymore. I couldn�t tear my eyes away�I�d never seen him kiss someone else before, although I knew he had many times before. I�d always wondered what he�d look like when he did, but I never knew seeing him kiss someone else would be so� excruciating.

He curled his other arm around her and shifted in his seat to be in a better position to face her. His hands traveled up and down her back, caressing her spine.

Stop it, Roger! I pleaded mentally. Don�t you know she has poisonous spikes under there?

I kept watching in spite of myself, staring out of the corner of my eye but trying not to be obvious. They pulled apart for a moment, their eyes locked on each other�s, then both of their faces cracked into silly, blissful grins, and they giggled softly.

He looked so happy. His eyes looked deep into hers, and she was his entire universe at this moment. Both closed their eyes again and leaned in, kissing more, hands on each other�s bodies.

�Hey, Arik,� Kelsi whispered sweetly, but I was far too preoccupied.

You slut! You dirty SLUT! I screamed in my head as Marisa�s hand slid under Roger�s shirt. How dare you contaminate my perfect Roger! How DARE YOU?!

�Arik,� Kelsi whispered again, more sharply.

Her tongue was in his mouth now, that forked black tongue, slithering around his, and her hand delicately held his cheekbone.

�Arik!� Kelsi persisted.

�What?!� I hissed, spinning around and facing her.

She seized my shoulders, leaned towards me, and kissed me.

Instantly, before I had fully realized what was going on, I jumped up from my seat.

�UMM-I-gotta-go-bathroom-!� I stammered, and ran from the theater without waiting to hear her response. I exploded into the men�s room and stood over the sink, heart racing, head spinning, chest heaving.

She had just�!

�kissed me!

Or tried to: she�d missed, actually, her lips landing half on mine and half on my cheek. The attack was so sudden and unexpected, I hadn�t had time to even close my eyes or kiss her back even if I had wanted to. Just all of a sudden! a wall of golden flesh in my face! sticky wet lips on my skin!

So� gross!

I cupped my hand under the faucet and washed my mouth. Childish, yes, but I could taste her lip-gloss! Her kiss had been slippery, wet, and icky�rather like one of those old lady kisses you stomach only because your mother promised you ice cream if you act cute.

I couldn�t believe how I�d reacted, though. I�d actually jumped up and escaped to the bathroom�what kind of LOSER was I? For God�s sake! How could I be such a moron? Why was I so STUPID?! I stamped my foot and yelled softly, furious at myself. An old man in the bathroom glanced strangely at me, and I colored and turned to the mirror.

God, did I ever want to go home. The thought of chasing Harry around was delicious in comparison to this hell. I wasn�t sure how much more of this I could take: being hit on by a horny brat of a girl, sitting through a dumb movie, no popcorn, and worst of all:

Watching Roger make out with someone else.

I hugged my arms and leaned against the tiled wall, my face hot. My chest ached deep down in a physically unreachable place. I wanted to cry.

I�d been in love with Roger for years, but I�d never seen him kiss someone that way, never seen him so obviously attracted to someone else. It hurt. It hurt because he was kissing someone he was infatuated with, and that someone wasn�t me.

Jealousy seeped from every pore of my body. I�d known and loved Roger for years, and for years I�d ached to touch him with such affection, burned to kiss him. Then this Marisa, this random harlot, comes along and does all these things to him on the first date.

I hated that miserable creature. I was so jealous I could imagine myself digging her wet brown eyes out with a fork. She was such a slut! And that slut had her carcinogenic tendrils all over my pure, beloved Roger!

But he liked it. Of course he liked it. He was straight, after all, so undeniably and absolutely straight. And she was everything he had fantasized about.

He wasn�t a faggot like me. He didn�t like guys and he would never like guys.

I had to get back to Kelsi before they sent Roger in and he found me with my eyes red and glassy.

Get it together, Arik. Get yourself together.

Stomach jittering, I reentered the theater, flashing Kelsi an apologetic smile as I sat down.

�Sorry,� I whispered.

Before she could say anything and before I could lose my nerve, I closed my eyes, leaned over, and kissed where I thought her mouth should be. Because I had to kiss her, after all. Right?

I missed, too, having about the same aim as her. Only this time she pressed back with half of her mouth until I pulled away and melted into a steaming, beet-red puddle. She had the grace to be slightly embarrassed, too, and she fidgeted in her seat.

That was not my official first kiss, I�ll have you know.

Neither of us looked at each other for the rest of the movie. I had absolutely no idea what was going on in the movie, to the point where I couldn�t even pick out who the protagonist was. Roger and Marisa had stopped making out, and were instead talking quietly. At one point both of them got up and left the theater. Roger winked at me when I gave him a puzzled look, his first acknowledgment of my presence for at least forty-five minutes.

I swore I could taste more lip-gloss on my mouth. Kelsi must have reapplied another coat while I was in the bathroom, I figured. I wondered if she would notice if I tried to surreptitiously wipe my lips. She probably would. Girls always notice subtleties like that, damn them. This decided, I sat for the rest of the movie feeling like my mouth was tingling with bacteria.

Roger and Marisa remained Missing in Action for the next twenty-three minutes and forty seconds. Yes, I did time it. I tried not to let my imagination run wild, although the thought of Roger alone with that creature for that amount of time was downright unsettling.

They returned eventually, arm-in-arm and grinning from ear to ear. I tried to catch Roger�s eye, but he was still consumed with the harlot.

The movie ended soon after, glory, glory Hallelujah. We filed into the hallway, the girls and Roger chattering avidly, me shuffling with my hands in my pockets again, eyes on the floor.

�That was a great movie, wasn�t it?� Kelsi squealed, applying yet more lip-gloss. She nudged me. �Wasn�t it, Arik?�

�Mm,� I agreed, trying to recall what movie we�d seen.

�Ha, we wouldn�t know, would we, Roger?� Marisa breathed in her leathery, lizard-like hiss. Roger grinned sheepishly, his cheeks pink.

�Where�d you guys go, huh?� Kelsi asked, latching onto my pocketed arm again as we started walking towards the parking lot.

�Eh, we just kind of walked around,� Marisa replied, her own hand in Roger�s.

We came out into the lobby of the theater, where throngs of other teenagers loitered about doing the same thing as us.

�My mom�s picking us up,� Kelsi said. �Hmm, I should really go look for her, or she�ll be mad.�

Marisa sighed. �Yeah, you�re right. But I don�t want to leave,� she moaned in her breathy whisper, her arms around Roger�s neck and her nose against his.

�You don�t have tooo,� Roger replied, his voice sickeningly whiny-sweet, and I wanted to smack him.

�Aww,� Marisa giggled, and they kissed.

I turned away, teeth clenched. Kelsi was smiling up at me.

�Heyy,� she said, all cutesy and flirty, �this was a lot of fun.�

Are you on crack? I thought in my head, but with my voice I said, �Yeah.�

She lowered her eyes and nipped at my shirt again. �You know, Arik� I like you a lot. So you don�t have to be so shy!�

�Oh,� I said, cheeks burning once more and at a complete and utter loss for intelligent words. �Sorry.�

She giggled shrilly. �Oh, you�re just so cute!�

Her forced, high-pitched voice was starting to remind me of those Japanese cartoons Harry watched. Any minute now she�d start hopping around squealing �Pika pika!� The thought made me smirk. Kelsi mistakenly took this for a display of happiness, and took the opportunity to throw her arms around my shoulders in a goodbye-hug.

�Bye, Arik! Bye, Roger!� Kelsi giggled as she released me and started to scamper away. Marisa reluctantly released her prey and slithered to Kelsi, waving and blowing kisses to Roger.

�Call me, okay, hun?� she sang. (�Hun�? �HUN�?! I convulsed.)

�Of course!� Roger yipped back, waving and returning her blown kisses like a moron. He kept doing so until the girls had most assuredly left the building.

�Let�s get out of here,� I muttered, irate at the waste of a night.

Completely oblivious to my sour mood, Roger let out a whoop and strode to the door with long, bouncing strides. �Aw, man, that was so much fun!�

We walked to the car�or, that is, I shuffled heavily, a dark rain cloud pouring over my head, and Roger skipped and whistled, flowers springing up around his feet and little singing birds alighting on his shoulders. He hopped over the door of the car into the drivers� seat and collapsed blissfully, laughing.

�This is a wonderful night!� he declared as I crept into the car and slouched in the passenger seat. �That Marisa� I love that girl! She�s so amazing. She�s so smart and funny�and God, is she ever a babe! I don�t even think she realizes how beautiful she is!�

�Oh, she definitely realizes it,� I muttered.

�What do you mean by that?� Roger asked.

�Well� she�s kind of a slut, isn�t she?� I said, and Roger�s eyebrows furrowed. �I mean, this was the first date and you friggin� made out. You barely know her!�

Roger waved his hand, dismissing my criticisms. �She�s not a slut! Arik, I�ve known her for a few years, you know. I�ve liked her for a long time.�

�You never told me you liked her.�

Roger grunted. �You never asked. I was under the impression that you didn�t care about things like that. She�s not a slut! And I�m not either.�

I flushed, sinking further into the seat. �I never said you were!� Although�it takes two to tango, as they say, and that had been no one-sided make-out session.

�Well, whatever,� Roger grunted, turning the car on and pulling out of the spot. �I just had one of the best nights of my life, and I�m not going to let anyone ruin it! Not even you!�

I folded my arms and leaned back, head turned to look out the window so I wouldn�t have to face him.

We drove in silence for several minutes. I was at a loss for anything to say, and in a completely pissy mood from being subjected to such a horrible night and from arguing with Roger. I was peeved at him for pretty much ignoring me from the moment he met up with Marisa and for, in my opinion, acting like a slut. Despite that, though, I couldn�t stand to have him angry with me.

�She�s just so�� Roger said finally, breaking the awkward silence and sounding as if his temper had died. �I can�t believe she�s my girlfriend. The most gorgeous, coolest girl in school is my girlfriend! And you know what? She likes me! She said so! She said she truly likes me and has for a while!�

�That�s awesome,� I lied.

�Yeah,� he said dreamily. �I�m so happy. You have no idea, Arik, I mean� I really, really like her.�

I bit my tongue hard, my eyes burning. An achy throbbing clutched at my chest, as if my heart was caught in someone�s fist.

�So, how�d you make out with Kelsi?� He chuckled and added, �Did you?�

�No,� I mumbled, forcing speech. �I dunno� She�s okay. She�s kind of stupid.�

Roger snorted. �Picky, picky,� he laughed.

He nattered on about Marisa for the rest of the ride home while I hid my face in the darkness and mumbled incoherent responses. He dropped me off at my house and I ran inside with a quick wave behind me. I briefed my parents vaguely on the news of my night�the version that was fit for their ears�and escaped to my room.

And I cried my eyes out into my pillow for the next hour.

I was wracked with an emotion that everyone who has ever loved has felt at some time or another: The person I loved was in love with someone else.

Only my beloved wasn�t gay. He would never, ever love me back the way I needed him to. I couldn�t even tell him how I felt. But most of all, he was in love with someone else.

It hurt more than I could have ever thought possible.