Love 3, John 0, Heart -3
...Darkness comes too soon tonight, the trees are silent scars,
Rivers rage against the rocks and snow conceals the stars.
There is no music in the air, I am a child abandoned,
'Til I feel my hand in yours
And laugh down lonely canyons*
From Laughing Down Lonely Canyons by James KavanaughHow many times must we play loves game before we can win? As you see in the score above, I am now 0-3. Those are just the big ones. The ones you want and hope so badly that they'd last forever, only to be reminded yet again that forever is a word not of our world anymore.
But how do we enter love's world? How do we forget the pains of loves lost and find the strength to try again? I know I want to love, I know I want to be loved, but I do not know how to let go of the past to truly embrace love. To free myself of what has been and give all that I am to the present?
I know that part of the 0-3 lies in that previous paragraph. That I have created my own self-fulfilling prophecy. Try to love, afraid to trust love, lose love.
I have vowed in another forum not to let myself fall in this trap again. That I will not put myself through the hurt of losing love until I have the best chance of winning love's game. I also will not put another person through the frustration of loving me when I cannot give them 100% of me in return.
I did that once. I loved her with everything I had. I gave her everything that was within me. And she stepped on it. The second time, I gave a little less, all that I could, but less than before, and she couldn't stay. The third time, I couldn't bring myself to give much at all, I gave what I could, but held even more back in a defensive position. And she's now gone too.
So who has the answer? Do I even know the question? I'm not sure. I will love again. I will free myself of the past and let go of the pains associated with it. I will know love again. I will embrace love and not fear it. Love will come to me, an angel to lift me above where I am and show me what happiness can be.
But not to rush into it again. To enjoy the buildup, to savor the sights, sounds and flavors of love. To enjoy her friendship and let it grow until the time is right. To heal myself first so that this will truly be the love of a lifetime.
But most of all I want to love without barriers,
With eyes laughing and hearts singing
And caution abandoned to the clouds by a friendly west wind.
I want to feel your presence as my very own, to speak
to you as though
I am talking to myself, to hold you without fear or distance
Or private thoughts
So I can walk with you above the pines
Scale mountains, leap rivers,
Speak to the sun and moon
And make wagers with the starsFrom James Kavanaugh, I Want to Walk With You Above the Pines
Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to remove the goose egg on the home half of the scoreboard. I look forward to the day when it shows:
Love 3, John 1, Heart free A beautiful song about Friends and Lovers who have come into and passed through our lives - Here's To You
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