I don’t know why they call it ‘the birds and the bees”: I don’t think the comparative sizes allow for any sexual activity. Though to be perfectly fair, the Right doesn’t want children to think of the immoral same-species sex.
Anyone here remember the band ‘cheap trick’? Well their big hit “I want you to want me” is a very wimpy sort of song. Basically it translates to “oh gee, I’d really appreciate it if you liked me” such a wimpy song. Prolly didn’t get many dates in the pre-band days.
I’m gonna have to agree with Quentin Tarantino: ‘stuck in the middle with you’ is some really good ear-slicing-off music.
If camels can go for days without needing a drink, does that mean that they can go for days without urinating? Because that would kinda hurt after a while.
I took a speed-reading class not too long ago, because if I’m going to be totally smashed I might as well be able to do something productive.
Never ever EVER go dumpster diving behind a chiropractors office. What if you went there the same day somebody threw their back out? Finding a bloody human spine in the trash would likely ruin your day.
A bird in the hand is worth two eighty-nine a pound.
Christian rock is available on File swapping networks. Ironic, no? Entirely glossing over that whole ‘thou shall not steal’ part
A coward dies 1000 deaths, a hero dies but one. But the coward get 999 more lives. Three cheers for cowardice!
The neighbors still have those pumpkin leaf bags out, even though it’s Easter. I think they might be dead.
There’s bipolar disorder. I’m still curious about tri-polar disorder: switching between manic glee, rock bottom and total apathy.
Just my opinion, but I think if ducks could speak, they would speak Spanish. It’s like a synthesesia without the actual sense part.
I recently experienced ‘nihilist rock’. Three minutes of nothing.
I think women’s boutiques should have a designated ‘testosterone zone’, so guys could just sit there and not feel awkward.
I was never afraid of the Boogie man, but after I saw my uncle dance, the polka man scared the crap out of me.
On craigslist they’ve got ‘free vegan starter kit’ next to ‘free meat recipies online’ . Decisions, decisions…
Singapore is known as a ‘nanny state’ because it’s sort of micro-managing, strict and it knows a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.
It’s okay to hit somebody with an ice pack: it’s like the problem and the cure all in one handy little package.
Discus is like Frisbee for the antisocial.
I don’t think single or double overtime in sporting events is all that interesting. Now fourty-twople overtime, that’s another story.
I’m okay if my foot falls asleep at night; that way my body at least has a definite goal to achieve, and I’m now that much closer.
When I was younger, I had a yoyo. I’ll admit I wasn’t that good, But I had invented no less than sixty tricks that involved no skill at all. You know, the gravity, the pendulum, the really short pendulum, I would just sit in my room and perfect those tricks. That explains why I am the way I am now.
It takes about a million little things to make my day, but only one crotch punch to ruin it.
I don’t like the way they label the gears PRNDL… on automatic transmissions. The ‘go forward’ one is always D for drive. Never M for motor, C for Cruise or H for haul ass.
Never drag race in a cemetery.
I recently read a very disappointing horror novel. Instead of a climax, there’s the word ‘boo’ printed in large letters. Stephen King is really starting to lose his edge.
Due to the recent tsunami tragedies, the band ‘fifty foot wave’ is having problems selling it’s new album. The band ‘the apocalypse’ will never have this problem.
The old British currency was so very messed up. I get the sneaking suspicion the coin makers had a sort of ‘eh screw it, here’s another new coin, let them figure out how much this li’l sucker is worth’
Revenge is a dish best served cold, but those new avant-garde restaurants are serving it lukewarm, with a bed of shallots. They’re ruining it. These are the sorts of establishments that would serve a hamburger with the bun on the inside.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Fall, and the world laughs at you.
Recently, my family got the new version of ‘the game of life’. Aside from the way they unnecessarily complicated the game, they got rid of the poor house. I miss that aspect of the game: that you could end up wholly impoverished. It’s a shame, is what it is.
They’re now advertising ‘free interest until 2010’ I don’t know why they have to specify this. What, do they expect us to pay for our interest? ‘here, for an extra fifty dollars, you can owe us 5% extra per year on what you haven’t paid.’
The school’s anti-drug propaganda is called “chemical health prevention week” I’m still not sure if they’re out to prevent the chemicals or the health.
Instead of chanting ‘air ball’ during free throws, they should hold up large pictures of the players as children. If it isn’t stressful enough to sink it in front of five thousand people, try doing it while looking at five year old you, with cake plastered across your face.
I am apparently politically ambiguous. Whatever that means.
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord, and boy is he pissed off at me because saying ‘mine eyes’ makes Grammar Jesus cry tears of blood.
Late one night I was checking my email, when somebody tried to break into the house. they tried the knob, and it was really freaky. Hey, these don’t all have to be funny.
It’s okay to write insults about the illiterate: how would they ever find out?
The funniest thing about some of the really old silent films is that they really didn’t have certain words in their title shots: phrases like ‘the act over’. I guess this was the time before verbs.