December 22nd

Barrow open their Christmas programme this year with a trip to local neighbours Carlisle in a game that could see them go top of the third division for the first time in a hundred years.   (That’s a bit far fetched, Carlisle still being in the 3rd Division. – Ed)   After years in the non-league wilderness, Barrow are now on the up.   And things turned round three years ago, when after nearly going bust (this ain’t no fairy tale - Ed) Barrow were taken over by Professor Claus Monsanto, head of Genetix Engineering Plc.

The money rich head of the transnational corporation had considered investing heavily in Scouseport.   Then the latest effects global warming began to bite.   This led to Merseyside being left underwater (Shame – Ed).   Then he then turned his attentions turned to Morescum, but after walking down Queen Street a couple of times on a Saturday night between 10 and 11 he decided against Morescum and Professor Monsanto turned his attention to the north side of the Bay, and invested heavily in Barrow.

And it wasn’t just his financial investment that the club benefited from, Professor Monsanto’s technical expertise was also brought to bear.   The professor began by assessing the best players of the last hundred years and then, by dipping into their genetic make-up, he was able to mould a team capable of realising the dream of league football.

The finishing qualities of Nicky Peverill were combined with the ball holding skills of Cowps himself, and the pace of…….er…….er………er……..whichever forward we’ve had who’s actually had some pace.   That resulted in a striker who was capable of scoring almost as many goals as that guy from Worksop who keeps banging them in.

Defensive experiments did not go well, though.   An attempt to combine the steel of Kevin Proctor, the passing of Lee Warren and the speed of Paul Slater came to nothing when it was found that their skin pigmentation had been altered irreversibly due to too much time spent under an u.v. lamp in an attic, causing their neighbours to always think of the X-Files whenever they glanced up and saw a strange purple glow through the misted glass.

Wayne Bullimore  goes in hard on  Chris Waddle

The silky skills of Wayne Bullimore in midfield were mixed with a short temper, and the ability to knock a free kick in from 25 yards plus, and we ended up with Wayne Bullimore still keeping the midfield running even though he’s now 98 years old. The commitment of Andy Mutch was mixed with the skill of Mark Seagraves and the staying power of Gary Bauress and Barrow couldn’t manage to off-load that duffer, and found that it was getting expensive in terms of eaten pies, and Professor Monsanto has donated that one-off to medical science, though there have been no takers so far.

Scouseport did try similar experiments of genetic engineering and cross pollination of the species in an attempt to keep up with Barrow, but the F.A. were not to keen on players not being able to get their shirts on, because of too much wool attached to their backs.   It did save them a fortune on the cost of a new lawnmower though.

December 23rd

Whahey! ! !

You may recall our theory of needing to win your home games and draw away to maintain a championship challenge.   Well, this was two points gained and with Emley and Stalybridge slipping up by only winning at home, then things are looking up.   We know it's a long shot but everyone loves an underdog and as you can probably tell we enjoyed a few pints of Websters in the bar beforehand, but not as much as we enjoyed the double that Nicky Peverill got in for us.

A game of two opinions really.   The first that after an hour Barrow were 1-0 down, on top but struggling to make many real chances and then Lowesy inflicted a lethal injection of the Doc on poor Burscough.   To be fair Doc didn't do all that much on the ball, no lethal crosses or mazy runs, but what he did do was give Barrow a few more options and that gave the Burscough defence more to think about.   He did have a hand in the first goal, but so did most of the other Barrow's outfield players it was such a goalmouth scramble.

The second opinion - 1-0 down after an hour, a penalty against us and a second consecutive defeat staring us in the face.   The booing at half time against Bishop Auckland must have hurt the players and maybe (semi)professional pride kicked in, as Barrow rolled their sleeves up and grafted a win through grit and resilience, rather than passing football.   It shows that we can do both.

If I were a Burscough fan, I would have been disappointed with this one.   1-0 after an hour.   A penalty about to be tucked away into the bottom corner.   The opposition with a reputation for good football not performing all that well at all.   Three points in the bag.   Jingle bells, jingle bells.   But I'm not a Burscough fan.   Whahey! ! !

We at Reclaim The Holker Street don't usually single out the referees as we feel it's a difficult job that not many people want to do.   Referees make mistakes just the same as players and coaches, and even the odd fan's been to known to call an offside decision wrongly.   Results don't depend on dodgy decisions it's about scoring more goals than the opposition.   It's rare that a decision decides a game, and when it does the referee's usually right (the Barrow v Scouseport game in the Trophy last season is the exception that proves this rule.

However, we feel that today's referee deserves a special mention for keeping up with play.   Three times in ten minutes he managed to get involved in one of Barrow's attacks.   In the first one Bulli went to put a pass through the centre of the park, only to look up and see the referee totally blocking his view (he wasn't THAT fat - Ed).   The referee comically cocked leg, indicating to Bulli - and the whole of the Burscough team - that he was prepared to play a dummy.   That wasn't so bad, but when Maxi put in a hard low cross a couple of minutes later, then who should race across the field to put in a timely interception and put the ball out for a goalkick to Burscough.   Yes, you guessed it, the referee (we ain't gonna name him, we ain't that mad.

Timewasting!   Don't you just hate it.   How pleasing then to see the Burscough goalie running round like a blue ar$ed fly in the last two minutes after Nicky Peverill's winner.   If he hadn't wasted at least ten minutes, together with the Burscough defenders who stayed on the ground whenever a Barrow player put in a tackle, then Burscough could have had at least another five minutes to claw back an equaliser.   Tough luck.   And what was that strange yelping sound that the Burscough number 2 made whenever he was tackled?

December 24th

We were gonna do a match report on Barrow's first - and little known - sortie into Europee when after getting up three numbers on the Extra Lotto game, Barrow qualified for the Inter Lotto Cup.   Although drawn against crack Greek outfit AEK Athens, Billy Kenny and David Rush were insistent the Barrow team went via Amsterdam.   Something about it being better gear there, though I didn't know that Holland was particularly renowned for the manufacture of football kits.   We were gonna say about how Greg Challender arranged the transport, but that fell through when the plods started taking an unhealthy interest in the documentation.   We were gonna, but it's Christmas, so we had a few drinks instead, but if you wanna send us a match report then get in touch by clicking here. Merry Xmas to all our readers.

December 25th

The clash that everyone has been waiting for since the millennium.   A European Cup tie that has everything, even a non-European team.   The moneymen of Rushden & Disciples recently bankrolled by their millionaire chairman Maximillian Griggsy, who made his shekels in the footwear business, never have open toed Dr Marten-Luther sandals been so popular.   And they face the Leighgonewheres, well organised and quite capable of decimating the opposition and hanging them out to dry, - usually done by the side of the road as an example to all those who dare to oppose them.

A couple of new signings in the Disciples team today.   In midfield today is Jesus, recently signed from north-eastern team, Goatshead. High hopes for Jesus, as he has already worked a few miracles in the Disciples run through to the Cup Final.   Although the management team are a bit concerned that Jesus won’t be available for the end of the season.   His contract expires on Good Friday and Tithe Spartans Chairman, Pontius Pilate is unlikely to extend his contract beyond that date, although there are rumours that he could make a comeback on Easter Monday, though it may be a brief one.

On me head,  my blessed son.

The team from Rome have reached this final because of a good cup run during which they positively slaughtered the crack Turkish outfit, Stalytassaray and then crucified the Geeks of Scouseport. The Geeks have lodged an official complaint with UEFA over the particularly harsh treatment of their ultra-left winger, Spartacus.   They claim his red card may have been a case of mistaken identity, especially as several other players were quick to own up to the foul. But the Italians will have to stop the Disciples’ international striker Tom of Beersheva who has recently suffered a crisis of confidence leading to his colleagues renaming him, Doubting Thomas.   In a recent international game, the Disciples’ winger, Jesus, was denied three times by keeper, Simon-Peter, but those differences will be forgotten today as they unite to hold of the might of the Romans.   A lot of water has flowed under the bridge since then, most of which Jesus turned into wine.   And the Disciples’ are boosted by the return of Lazarus, thought to be dead at one point last week, until Jesus called round last week after training.

The pitch has suffered some recent flooding, but Jesus seems well suited to these conditions and was seen doing some short sprints over the surface water earlier today.   The groundsman, Moses, has considered parting the waters for ninety minutes this afternoon, and Cowps has given his blessing for this.  Some of the Disciples did look a little uncomfortable in the pre-match kickabout when the Romans started planting a  few deep crosses in the goalmouth.

The game is expected to be a tight one.   The disciples are expected to play in a Christmas Tree formation whilst the Leighgonewheres due to play a pincer movement up front, with the defence digging in and the midfield trying to keep the supply lines open.   And both teams are expected to stick religiously to the rules, though it was rumoured that a certain Judas Iscariot may have taken a bung.

December 26th

A creditable draw.   Even the most optimistic of us knew that our chance of putting in a title challenge was probably stymied after the result against Bishop Auckland.   With so much ground to make up on Stalybridge and Emley, even results like this aren't enough.   BUT  we are still capable of a top six finish, we've had a good cup run - Barrow banged in 11 goals in three F.A. Cup games before gallantly bowing out to Orient.   We've got a 100% record in the Unibond Cup.   We've got the chance to measure ourselves against Conference opposition in the Lancashire Cup.   Some of the football this season has been the best seen at Holker Street for quite a few years, and so we'd like to say a big well done to Kenny and the players, and all those involved in matters off the pitch for a good year of consolidation.
Cheers and Merry Xmas!

December 27th

December 28th

This article was going to be a look back at a game of the nineties.   However, this seems to be about the only one that was played on the twentieth eighth.   I don't think it was that memorable.   I can't remember it standing out.   To be honest I can't even remember whether I went or not.   And that isn't just because I hit the beer in a big way last night with it being a bank holiday and all.   So rather than bore you all with the stats from this match, we thought we'd launch our new sponsorship scheme - Give it a Lash for the Cash.

When we visited Burscough, we bought some raffle tickets to put some funds in their club's coffers.   Most Unibond clubs live a hand to mouth existence and we don't mind doing our little bit.   What we do mind is buying tickets for a raffle where you never hear the bleeding results.   I can remember hearing the goalden goal time being announced but not the raffle, and we don't think that's good enough.   Burscough join Bishop Auckland on our list of shame as they didn't announce the goalden goal winner last season and I thought I had the winning ticket, and Leek this season chose not to announce the winning raffle numbers.   It's self defeating really as we at Reclaim The Holker Street have long memories, don't like getting ripped off and won't be spending our money in the same way again.

On a similar theme we reckon Barrow should have announced the winning numbers of the Christmas draw on the Barrow website.   Someone did ask and the club often use this forum to give ticket info etc.   A fan did reply saying they had won a bottle of booze, so as we hadn't heard anything ourselves, we guessed that we hadn't won.   We didn't want names and rank, just the serial numbers as those holiday vouchers would have come in handy.

We don't expect to win, but we do expect value for money and that is what our new sponsorship scheme - Give it a Lash for the Cash - is all about.   In our desire to see Barrow climb the table we're gonna sponsor the club for a £1 a goal between now and the end of the season.   The more goals Barrow score, the happier we are and the more cash the club gets.   Winners all round.   We'll be sending our money to the club at the end of each month and keeping you informed with our own unique Lash-O-Meter to keep you informed of how we're doing.

Now we know a lot of fans would prefer to see a 1-0 victory rather than a five all draw so we've come up with a scheme that should suit them as well.   Instead of a fixed amount for each goal scored then do it on goal difference.   What about a £1 for each plus goal difference?    The more goals Barrow score, the happier you are and the more cash the club gets.

And we're also aware that a lot of supporters of our rivals read this E-Zine so we've thought long and hard, and we've come up with a scheme for you as well.   Now, you might derive some sense of satisfaction when you look in the Rushden & Yeovil Gazzetta on a Sunday and see that Barrow have received a good tonking the day before.   Well, what about sponsoring the opposition for a goal game for a quid or something.  The more goals Barrow let in, the happier you are and the more cash the club gets.

Either way it all means more goals more money and that does represent value for money.   So the next time you're on the terraces and someone takes up the chant "- Give it a Lash for the Cash -", then you know you're in good company because you're standing next to a Reclaim The Holker Street reader.   We know that fans of the club are doing their best to raise money for the club in all sorts of ways, but if you wanna get involved with  "- Give it a Lash for the Cash -" - then get in touch with us by pressing here.   We don't really wanna get involved in collecting any money, but we'll give you addresses etc. of where to send your sponsorship money.   It doesn't have to be a quid a goal, and we're interested in hearing any of your ideas based on goals scored, points won, or whatever you like.

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