and this i have to say ...

may 18
i just want to be happy. really. it should be so simple. i want to do things that make me happy. visualize what makes me happy, dream it, and then do it. mary and i are co-writing a book: dreaming while you're awake. it's going to be amazing.

april 27
the daily does has become not so daily with the advent of my other outlets for online writing.

april 13
a whopping ten days. how do i manage to neglect my daily does? actually i think i may be addicted to online journals. i have like 5 of them. my new one is ariadnesgirl. it's quite lovely. i practiced my html formatting with it and i think it looks goooood. i want to go buy a pack of cigarettes. marlboro ultra-lights. does that mean i am also addicted to nicotine. melissa and sierra were going to come visit this weekend but melissa is having car trouble so, no visit. so sad. it's friday evening and i'm still at work so that i can work on web stuff. it's not so late though. not even 6:30. but almost. i don't want to hurt anyone. i know what i want. today i am being frank, although here, vague. i'm glad when people appreciate frankness. "it's beautiful" i was told. franknes is raw. in london i bought a magazine called frank. my parent's cat is named frank. just sit back and float with me down the stream of consciousness. be forewarned though, this is no babbling brook.

april 3
did you know i was a party? today i learned that i am. all thanks to alpha base 7. "if you know your party's extension, please dial it now." yes, i am a raging party indeed.

and on other topics: i get excited, i get nervous. i feel at peace, i feel jumbled. the more interesting writing is in less conspicuous of the other 3 web journals i have. perhaps that makes me a private person. more likely, i just write better and freer and with more frank sexy vulgarity and less pretentious blab when i know that it's less public. this feels so official. more side effects of press secretary syndrome: bizarre and uncanny concern with message when i'm not at work. maybe that's why i'm drawn to this job. i get paid to live out some weird or not-so-weird virgo, control freak, guarded, self-obsessed, deliberate, molded part of myself.

march 28
i don't think there's anything wrong with recognizing that doing one particular thing (which shall remain nameless) could benefit myself, my job, the organization i work for, the causes i believe in, the people i work with in activism and the women for whom i do my activism. the things i believe in and happen to do all center around making a better world and a better community. i believe in feminism and justice to the core of my freakin' being. grrr. there is nothing wrong with wanting to do something that i want to do. if that makes me a bad person, well, i think the philosophy that comes up with that sucks.

warning: everything on this site has been plagiarized by the collective unconscious.

march 26
how great it would be to be named amelia for the sake of having a web site called amelioration (ameliorate: v. to make or become better: improve). as this site develops and morphs in what i hope is a process of improvement, amelioration seemed like a good title for now. past titles in reverse chronologial order: re:becca farm (changed this, based on the fact that it was a plagiarized idea), rebecca's farm, hard femme. there you have it. also, this weekend i painted my bathroom bright blue.

march 23
life, man. that's where i'm at today. do they have an imood for that? sigh. the space in between.

march 21
i could learn a lot from falling babies who don't know to be scared so they don't tense their bodies. if you're loose when you hit the ground all the impact is absorbed. learning how to fall is important. ask any skater boy. that way you don't get hurt. you just roll with it. when the rug of what you know is pulled out from underneath you, you have to know how to fall.

march 20
later..
west coast vs. east coast. san francisco vs. dc. dc vs portland. portland vs. san francisco. dc vs. nyc. i think i'm going to have playoffs to narrow this down.
earlier...
sometimes the best answers and the greatest insights come from thrown away notes about one moment. this is a totally plagirized thought. but i like it. last night my mom said you're almost 25. you've got to stop letting people influence you so much. hmm.

march 19
i've had a string of headaches the last few days. i don't like em one bit. i've gotten (such fine grammar) them all my life. and there are times when i go for quite some time without being plagued by cranial pain. ok, a lot of them i can avoid. like yesterday's, which came on after savory brazilian food, coffee and champagne, topposed off with a couple mimosas. i discovered that i really like mimosas though. and then there are bigger life questions beyond what to drink when i get all extravagent with an extended sunday brunch. like, hm, where do i wanna live, what do i wanna get paid to do, what the hell is going on in my life and then of course, why i have the lovely talent of always keeping my life as complicated as possible. side note: web persona allows me to be even more vague than i usually am.