Day By Day

Day By Day
“Lauren! Over here!”
I turned around, surprised to see my friends; Christine, Lacey and Tara. They gestured excitedly, urging me closer to their circle. I hurried.
“Wait for me guys! I’m coming!”
As I ran, I realized that I was slowing down, my feet were moving strangely, and soon I was running in place. I gasped in surprise, and my friends faces began to fade. In their place was my right arm, covered in scratchy red marks.
“No! No!” I cried. “I’m better!”
Despite my protests the red scratchy marks began to blur my vision. I was sobbing now and I curled up into a little ball, angry at the world once more.
Suddenly, I woke up.
---------
“Lauren? Honey? Are you awake?”
My mom’s voice rang me from my sleep, and I groggily replied. I pushed back my magenta comforter and slid back my long sleeved white t-shirt. Sure, enough, the scratchy red marks were there. Now, however they were scabbing and no longer the horrible red.
That’s all over now. This is a new start.
I smiled to myself. I was starting all over; a new school, new grade, new challenges. I knew some kids my age would be scared, afraid, and angry, but not me. I was glad to escape from the horrible occurrences of tenth grade. This was a new start.
I hurried through my morning routine; I dressed, ate, brushed my teeth, and got my new books and binders together.
My parents and siblings watched me, prodded me onto the bus, and told me they loved me. I felt like crying as I waved out to them from the bus window. I ignored the stares and whispers of my bus mates and concentrated on the scenery. Northern Heights wasn’t much different from my old town of Harrelsburg. They were both adorned with maple lined drives and nice looking houses. I saw younger children playing in their yards and it made me think of the kids I used to baby-sit in my old neighborhood.
I sniffed, and grimaced as the bus came to another stop. I prayed no one would sit next to me, when a face caught my eye.
He was about five eight, lean, and tan. He had bright blue eyes and tousled black hair, the sleepy look of druggies and confused kids adorned his face. Still, he smiled at almost every seat he passed, exchanging high fives and pats on the back. I didn’t catch his name, but I feared an acquaintance as he neared my seat.
I pressed my head against the window as he sat down next to me. His long sleeved white t-shirt advertised a skating logo and his cargo shorts looked to be made of heavy canvas.
He looked over at me and smiled, peering quizzically, “Hey, you’re new. What’s your name?”
I pulled my backpack closer to me, and glared at him.
He chuckled, “Ah, not a talker are you? I’m Matt Randall.”
I just nodded and looked out at the street; the school was nearing. Northern High was a huge stone building just waiting for inquisitive minds.
Matt became engrossed in conversation, and I overheard a kid tell him somberly, “Man, I’m sorry about your brother. That must have been tough.”
I looked up to see his reaction, but everyone began to shove off the bus. I forgot about Matt as soon as I walked into the high school.
It was teeming with people, some looking eager to be there and some that weren’t. I saw couples holding hands, and younger kids scurrying around, frightened by the mass chaos known as high school. I smiled at a frantic freshman and asked a friendly looking girl where the Guidance Office was.
“Oh, are you new?”
I nodded.
“It’s um, gosh, where is it Carly?”
The girl turned around to ask to her friend, and soon they had forgotten all about me. I sighed, and started down the hall. It took me about all of five minutes to find the Guidance Office and I saw that it was packed with students. Some looked bored, and others anxious.
I waited in line, listening to close to three bells sound before I got to the front desk.
“Hi, I’m new, Lauren Belton. I need to have my schedule checked.”
The heavyset woman at the desk sighed; her perm looked about twenty years old, “Fine. What grade are you in?”
“I’m a junior.”
“Have a seat.”
I sat down in one of the plastic chairs, bright blue and fiddled with the straps on my backpack. I don’t know how long I sat there. I was ushered into a brightly lit room to converse with my guidance counselor, a flustered looking man named Mr. Jenkins. He sat me down, muttered a few noncommittal phrases, made a check mark and sent me out.
Soon, I was on my way to first period—English three. I was secretly happy, I loved English. What I didn’t love was being late to class. Twenty pairs of eyes turned to look at me as I entered the room and handed my slip to Mrs. Reedy, my graying teacher.
“Welcome Lauren. Have a seat.”
I smiled and sifted my way through backpacks and purses to a seat in the back. The door opened again and Matt stepped in. He had a blue binder and a novel in his hands, a lazy smile on his face.
Mrs. Reedy stiffened, “Matthew, nice to have you join us. Go sit by Lauren.” I slid deeper into my seat and groaned inwardly. Once again Matt was greeted by pats on the back and high fives.
Mrs. Reedy ignored it all and began to hand out a course syllabus. I glanced through mine, we would be covering all the usual topics—grammar, spelling, writing, etc.
Mrs. Reedy read the syllabus and we received multiple papers about seminars and writing workshops. Almost immediately, I realized that I like Mrs. Reedy. She was enthusiastic and the hour and a half long class seemed to fly by. I noticed that Matt slept most of class. I checked my schedule, I had Chemistry next.
“So Lauren, whaddya got next?”
I looked over my shoulder; it was Matt.
I glared, “Why do you want to know?”
He grinned, “You know, you are quite testy. Sure you don’t need anything to calm ya down?”
He waggled his eyebrows.
I shoved ahead into the crowd.
Chemistry was taught by Dr. Kinchella, a knowledgeable man in his late forties. Soon I was greeted with stares and whispers.
I didn’t pay much attention during class; it bored me. I tried my hardest to pay attention but a few minutes before the bell I panicked; I had left the water running in my bathroom. Fear gripped me, and I ransacked my brain as for what to do. My mind immediately went to my arm, but I shrugged the thought aside. The bell rang.
Soon I was rushing through the hall, looking for a bathroom. I was breathing heavily, and my forehead glistened with sweat, my left hand rubbed my right arm absentmindedly. I bumped into someone, causing their books to spill everywhere. I thought I heard someone say my name, but I kept going.
“Lauren!”
I stopped and turned to see Matt hurrying to me. He was gesturing, but I ignored him and plowed on. How hard can it be to find a bathroom here? Huh? I thought angrily.
“Lauren, stop.”
Suddenly Matt’s hand gripped my right arm and stopped me. I bit my lower lip to keep from crying out in pain. I turned to face him, shaking.
He furrowed his brow, “Are you ok?”
I shook my head and tried to ignore the faces peering at me. I practiced breathing slowly and I continued to rub my right arm.
Matt smiled at me, “I was just checking to see if you wanted to eat lunch with me and my friends.”
I looked at him gratefully, “No thanks. I’m going home.”
He chuckled, “Are you? How is that?”
I glared at him and shook his arm away, “None of your business.”
He just shrugged, “Later then.”
I gave a sigh of relief when he walked away, shaking his head, and I spotted the bathroom. I rushed in, and washed my hands, methodically. I glanced at myself in the mirror and stopped. My auburn hair was braided into a long braid, and a few wisps framed my high cheekbones and blue eyes. I had chosen to wear a long black shirt, paired with cutoffs and flip flops. My lanky frame, I was about Matt’s height, had lost its healthy glow and I was strangely pale. I finished washing my hands and splashed water on my face. I noticed the bathroom had a steady influx of cheerleaders and other girls busily brushing their hair and chatting furiously. No one talked or even looked at me. I knew I had already been branded the new girl and was instantly blacklisted. I felt like crying.
Instead I strode purposefully to the office, and feigned sickness. Soon my mother was cooing at me, urging to take me home, where I was rushed to my room. I faded into my pillows and retreated to the solace of my room.
Sometime later, I heard arguing, softly as to not disturb me. I sighed as the voices rose and fell, and I knew it was my dad and brother, Luke. Luke was seventeen and just starting his senior year. The ongoing argument lately had been for him to drop out and become a full time reporter for the local paper, The Gazette. Luke was all for it, while my dad largely opposed his idea. My mother and sister, Jenna, stayed out of their way, as did I, when they argued. Jenna and I didn’t really care what Luke did.
Jenna had recently turned twenty, and was engaged to Carter Campbell. Carter and Jenna were the “dream couple” my parents gushed. They had dated all through high school; he was the all-star quarterback and she was an enigmatic cheerleader and force in the student body. Now Carter was managing his father’s business and Jenna was manager of a local fashion boutique. I knew soon our house would become wedding central.
I closed my eyes as the fighting escalated and the front door slammed. I glanced out the window to see Luke angrily gunning his Toyota and speeding off. I sighed and rolled over. Though no one said anything, my parents were disappointed that my sister didn’t go to college. I guess Luke is their last hope I thought, since I knew they had somewhat given up on me.
I slept through most of the afternoon, and dinner that night was a quiet affair. Luke still wasn’t home and my father was fuming. He was a slim man, with a usual quiet demeanor. My brother and I got our auburn hair and blue eyes from him, while my sister and mom had conventional blonde hair and brown eyes, making them perfect cheerleaders.
My dad managed a law firm and we moved around a lot with his work. My mother is a stay at home mom, though her responsibilities are really more about the house. No one mentioned that I had come home from school early and I was thankful for that.
“He’s probably off with that girl, whatever her name is.”
My dad put his fork down angrily, with a look of disgust.
My mom looked up from her steak, “Michelle’s her name dear.”
I glanced up, surprised that anyone had mentioned the name of my brother’s long time girlfriend, who reportedly shoplifted, liked to wear black, and was a chain-smoker. My parents had taken an immediate dislike to the girl who kept my brother out late and encouraged his idea of dropping out. My dad, however, was more vocal about it than my soft spoken mother.
After dinner, I help Jenna clear the table, who chatting amiably about her wedding plans. Soon I knew what dress, shoes, and bouquet she wanted, which we both knew would change by tomorrow. I went back upstairs and spent the rest of the night reading my weathered copy of The Nanny Diaries. Just before I turned out my light my father sternly reprimanded me for leaving school and somewhat demanded that I go to school tomorrow. It was all I could do to nod and turn out my light.
Around midnight I was woken from my fitful sleep by the sound of the pounding bass of my brother’s car as he turned into our driveway. I heard the car door slam, the radio stop, and the engine died, as my brother stumbled across our yard, drunk. Soon, Jenna was helping him into the house and in the bathroom. I slid farther under the covers. This was how it went after most of the arguments; my dad fumed while my brother came home late at night, wasted. My parents ignored it, as did he. It was an even trade.
----
The next day at school seemed to pass in a blur. Matt wasn’t on the bus and again he slept during English. I ate lunch at a table with a few science geeks, to afraid to eat by myself. That afternoon, I went to third and fourth period, Algebra Two and World History. Matt wasn’t in either of my classes. I made sure that my water was turned off tightly that morning and I wore my rubber bands, which I discreetly snapped. Overall, the day was alright. However, it took a bad turn when I missed my bus to my therapy session. Well, I sighed, guess I’ll have to walk. I began to walk towards town when a beat up looking sedan pulled up beside me.
“Hey Lauren.”
It was Matt.
I sighed and stopped, “Yes?”
He let his car idle, “Want a ride home?”
“I’m not going home.”
“Where ya going then? Mars?” he chuckled.
“No. I’m going to Ninth Street.”
“Why?”
I glared at him, “Are you going to give me a ride or what?”
Grinning, he opened the door. I slid into the seat; the caramel colored interior looked more beat up than the outside. Anxiously, I began to snap the rubber band on my arm, comforted by the in the sound and feel of the rubber striking my skin.
Matt glanced at my arm, “Why do you do that?”
I stared ahead, “Feel like it.”
He chuckled, “No, really why?”
I turned away from him, as we coasted along past the classy neighborhood of Kentwood Gardens.
Matt looked at me, “Please, tell me. I’m harmless.”
“I used to cut myself. This is therapy.” I replied icily.
He was silent for a few minutes, I kept snapping. I noticed the floor of his car was littered with wrappers from local fast food joints and I thought I saw a bag of weed.
“I need to make a stop, real quick. Ok?”
I nodded. Soon we were driving through Kentwood Gardens, large brick houses farmed by immaculate lawns. It was a change from my neighborhood, and it made me nervous. I snapped my rubber bands some more.
Matt stopped the car in front of a house identical to the others around it. He ran briskly up the steps causing me to notice his scuffed Vans for the first time. He knocked on the door, shifting his weight from one foot to another and was let in by a girl who looked about my brother’s age. He gave her a brief hug, kissed her cheek, and stepped inside. I could see an older woman and a boy of six or seven talking animatedly to him. Matt disappeared from my view and I saw the girl peer out the door at me. I continued to snap and a few minutes later Matt reappeared with a ratty duffle bag in hand. He hugged the people goodbye and hurried down the walk. He threw his bag into the trunk of his car.
I didn’t look up as he slid into his seat and started the car down the drive. A ring brought me out of my dazed state and Matt began looking around, muttering. He finally located his cell phone.
“Hello? Oh, hey Mom. Yeah, I just left Kate’s house. I had to pick up my stuff.”
I stopped snapping my rubber bands and concentrated on the approaching town center. I glanced at the clock which read 3:32. My session would start in about ten minutes. I glanced back at Matt, who was chatting easily as he maneuvered the car on the highway.
“Mom, I just crashed there a few days ago, ok? Right before my car came back from the shop.”
I felt as though I was invading his privacy and I prayed we would get to Ninth Street soon. Thankfully, we pulled onto Ninth Street just as Matt was done on his phone.
“So. Where are we headed?” he grinned at me as I directed him to Northern Heights Juvenile Rehabilitation Center. I thanked him for the ride, but before I got out, he was talking.
“I can pick you up, when do you get done?”
I glanced at the brick building, “About four fifteen. Thanks.”
He nodded and drove off.
Mustering my courage I opened the door to the Center. I had only been there once before, which was when I signed up for my therapy sessions with Dr. Callahan. As I stepped inside, the smell of antiseptic and soap filled my nose. I grimaced and looked around. The waiting room was painted a faint blue, the receptionist’s desk was in the center of the room, and plastic chairs littered the room. A guy with a lip piercing wearing lots of black on sat in one chair, while a frail looking girl curled up in another. I suddenly felt very out of place, but I talked to the nice looking receptionist anyway and headed down the hall.
Dr. Callahan’s room was a standard looking room; gray walls, mahogany furniture with a few paintings on the wall. Dr. Callahan looked to me as if she was in her late forties. She was a little plump and bookish looking, with glasses and perfect looking hair. For a minute I wanted to run, but she looked nice enough and she greeted me with a smile. I smile back and sat in one of the comfortable looking chairs. Almost immediately, I began to snap my rubber bands.
“Ok, Lauren, let’s have a looksee at your file. It says here that you began cutting yourself last spring, when you were fifteen.”
I nodded, what a horrible spring that had been.
“Then, you continued cutting yourself without your parent’s knowing until this summer. Your family moved from Harrelsburg to Northern Heights after they found out. Yesterday, you started school at Northern Heights High.”
She continued to name my family member, birth date, weight, height, and all the other stuff that doctors read. I glanced at her clock, I had been late, and so we had about twenty minutes.
“So, Lauren, why do you think you began cutting yourself?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know. Relief.”
“Relief? From what?” she peered at me questioningly.
I sighed, and snapped my rubber bands some more, “I don’t know. I just don’t. One day I did it, and then I couldn’t stop.”
She sighed, “You know, that’s what most girls your age tell me, if there’s no other reason. Can you think of anything that might have encouraged this?”
I shook my head.
She smiled then, “So, I see you have rubber bands. Do you snap them often?”
I nodded, “A lot actually, I feel a lot better then.”
Dr. Callahan nodded, “That’s really good. Can I see your cuts?”
Shakily, I let her look at my scabby, scratched up right arm. Dozens of cuts ran up my arm, starting at my wrist and ending at my elbow. I hated to look at them, so I kept them hidden under long sleeved shirts and sweatshirts.
Dr. Callahan looked at me sympathetically, “Well, dear, I’m really proud of you to have gotten this far. Now, we have about fifteen minutes left, but I’m going to let you go. I think that group therapy might be what you need.”
She handed me a piece of paper, “And here’s my number. Give me a call if you need anything. You can register for class out in the front room.”
I nodded, and thanked her profusely. I glided out, thankful to leave and headed to the front room.
It took me about ten minutes to sign the necessary papers and registration for my new class, scheduled for next Wednesday at five in the afternoon. I noticed that the same kids that had been there when I’d arrived for my session. I sat in a plastic chair looking at magazines when I saw Matt pull up. I hurried out to meet him. I opened the door, shut it, and sat there, my eyes closed, thankful to be out of the Center.
“It was that bad huh?”
I opened my eyes, and shook my head. Matt began to drive around town, stalling for time, I knew.
“So, when did you start cutting yourself?” he asked.
“Last spring” I answered, looking out the window, eager to get home.
He was silent for a second, “Can I see where?”
I glanced at him and realized he was serious. I nodded and he pulled over. I drew a shaky breath, feeling suddenly nervous; very few had seen my arm. I faced him and slid up my shirt sleeve, revealing the scratches on my arm once more. I could feel his eyes on mine. Suddenly the car felt very small as he reached out and touched my scarred skin.
“How could you do this to yourself?” he whispered to me.
I slid my sleeve back down.
“I don’t know” I snapped.
Matt sighed, and began rummaging around his car. Soon he was lighting a joint and steering the car towards our neighborhood. My face felt hot and I felt like I was going to cry. Oh great, I thought, as a tear rolled down my cheek.
“I’m sorry” Matt mumbled, taking another hit. He drove through the streets of our neighborhood, Northern Downs. Soon I was telling him where to pull in. I grabbed my stuff hurriedly, and stepped out of the car. I gave a quick word of thanks.
“Hey, I’ll pick you up tomorrow. So you don’t have to ride the bus.”
I nodded a reply and hurried to the front door. I opened it and sighed, suddenly thankful to be home.
“So, who’s that guy?”
I looked up to see Luke sitting at the kitchen table with Jenna. Luke looked slightly amused and ragged, wearing a torn t-shirt and shorts.
“He’s no one” I replied flatly.
I set down my backpack and sat down at the table, laying my pounding head on the cold linoleum table. I breathed out of my mouth and began to snap my rubber band once more. The snapping sound had become the soundtrack of my life.
“Lauren, are you crying?” Jenna touched my hair, and failed miserably to keep the concern out of her voice. I nodded and lifted my head, wiping my nose on my sleeve.
“Why? Was it that guy?” Luke demanded, running his fingers through his hair. I shook my head, and then thought better of it, crying harder.
“Well, just tell us what happened this afternoon” Jenna soothed.
I sighed, “Ok. Well, that guy, Matt, he took me to my appointment this afternoon. I know him, and the session was fine.”
I sniffed, and blew my nose with a napkin. “Then, he asked to see my arm. So, I—I let him. And he wanted to know how I could do that to myself. But, I couldn’t answer him. It was horrible.”
“Why didn’t you have an answer?” asked Luke.
I shook my head, “I don’t know. I don’t really have one for anyone.”
Jenna nodded sympathetically “Well, at least this guy Matt cared.”
I nodded, and stood up, “Thanks for listening guys, I’m gonna go up. Call me for dinner.”
My brother and sister watched as I made my way upstairs, utterly confused. It had felt weird to show Matt, a stranger, my arm, and I felt frustrated that I couldn’t give anyone an answer as to why I had cut myself. I wanted, needed, answers.
Dinner that night was nice. Thankfully, no one asked me too much about my therapy session. Luke and my dad managed not to fight, though my father did stiffen when Michelle called during dinner. Still, he remained calm. My mother and sister talked about the wedding, and I felt out of place. Strangely, I wondered what Matt was doing. I wondered who Kate was and why he had crashed there. I let my mind roam while everyone else buried themselves in conversation. I excused myself when I was done my spaghetti.
That night it was quiet in my house. Around eight, after doing my small amount of homework, I made my way downstairs. I could hear the sound of hushed voices and I stopped short on the stairs when I heard my name.
“All I’m saying Mike, is that Jenna and Luke told me she came home crying. There was this boy, Matt, who apparently said a few things that upset her.”
I stiffened at the sound of my dad’s voice.
“Yes, well Janet, boys are going to say things they don’t mean to at that age. You know that, hell, look at Luke.”
“I know that Mike, but he asked to see her arm. Her arm Mike. We even had to wait almost a week before she would let us look at that.”
“Well, maybe, Lauren has feelings for the boy. Feelings can make you do crazy things.”
I covered my mouth with my hand in shock; my parents thought I had feelings for Matt?
Are they out of their minds? I thought as I made my way back up the stairs. Still, I knew that I had even surprised myself. I was very leery when it came to displaying my self mutilation.
Did I have feelings for Matt? I wasn’t sure. Yes, he was cute. He had wonderfully blue eyes and hair that was perfectly tousled. But that doesn’t mean that I like him, I thought.
I changed into my pajamas and climbed into bed with my book. While I spent the next hour reading my novel, I found that I concentrated more on my own life that those of the characters. So, somewhat angrily, I drifted off to sleep.
----
Beep! Beep!
The sound of Matt’s car horn had me looking up from my breakfast the next morning. My dad looked at me expectantly over his newspaper and my sister peered out the window. I blushed and set my dishes in the sink, grabbed my bag, and hurried outside. Matt smiled and offered a good morning as he pulled out of the drive. Neither of us mentioned yesterday. It was a short ride to school.
Matt pulled into the parking lot and locked the car as we walked towards school. I could feel eyes on me; not only was I new, but I was also in the company of Matt Randall. Matt laughed and talked to kids and teachers easily. I could tell that all the kids loved and respected him. Most of the teachers refused to meet his gaze. I was immediately puzzled.
However, I stared as I entered the building and stopped. Up against the wall by the water fountain, making out, were my brother and Michelle. I couldn’t take my eyes off them, the way he stroked her hair and how she slid her hands around his waist.
Matt followed my gaze, “Someone you know?”
I nodded slowly, “That’s my brother and his girlfriend.”
Matt stared at me, “That’s your brother?”
I turned to look at him, “Let’s not talk about that.”
“I’ll see you in class.”
I watched as he strode through the crowd, making his way to a group of sleepy looking guys. Everyone patted him on the back and gave him high fives. I glanced at Luke and Michelle, who were now talking to a group of football players, his hand resting on the small of her back. I shook my head, and made my way to my locker. I ignored the curious stares that seemed to follow me wherever I went.
In English, Mrs. Reedy had us read pieces of poetry. I eagerly complied, but I saw Matt grimace as we sat down to read Robert Frost. I ignored him and discussed the theme and message of the poem.
Lunch was good. I sat with Matt and a bunch of people who opposed the “establishment”, jocks, and parents. All of the kids greeted me with a nod, and only one girl, Zee, even talked to me.
“So, where are you from?” questioned Zee as she picked at her fries.
“Harrelsburg.”
She nodded, “I saw a great show up there, some band, can’t remember what though. They were good.”
I could only nod, and snap my rubber band. I felt horribly out of place as Matt chatted with a guy with a bored expression on his face and blue hair. Today I was wearing my heather gray long sleeved shirt, shorts and flip flops. Of course, my rubber bands adorned my right wrist and I had left my hair loose that morning.
“Why do you do that?”
I looked up to see Zee peering quizzically at my arm.
I blushed, “Oh, no reason.”
She snorted in disbelief but left the subject alone. I spent the next ten minutes slowly eating my sandwich and chips. A few times I thought I caught Matt looking at me, but I wasn’t sure. He spent most of lunch talking to the guy, whose named turned out to be Riley. But, he talked to everyone, occasionally getting up and walking around the cafeteria, laughing with everyone he talked to and snatching pieces of food as he went.
I was glad as he dropped me off that afternoon, smiling and smoking weed once more. I grinned, and said goodbye. He watched me go in the house and I could hear the screech of his tires as he sped off down the road, now entering a world I barely knew.
“How was school honey?”
My mother looked up from her book, brushing her perfectly frosted hair out of her face.
I sat down on the couch next to her, “It was nice.”
My mom smiled, “Who’s that boy who’s been transporting you? Hmm?”
I blushed, “Uh, that’s Matt. Just this kid I know.”
I set down my books and made my way up to my room. I didn’t want to discuss Matt, not now.
---
Friday night, around two o’clock in the morning, I woke, my heart pounding. I had had the same dream again. I sat in my bed, my breathing ragged and the moonlight streaming in my window. I had to get out. I climbed out of bed and padded my way down the hall to my parent’s room. I could see through a crack in the door that they were sleeping peacefully side by side. Jenna’s room revealed the same. I saw that Luke’s room was empty once more, and I quietly slipped downstairs to the kitchen. But once I got there I couldn’t decide what to do. My breathing had steadied but I was still anxious to be somewhere else.
Matt I thought. I located the local phone book under the coffeepot and flipped through it. Ok, Q, R, Ra-Randall.
I found Matt’s number, and grabbed the phone. I prayed for an answer as the phone rang.
“Hello?”
I gave a sigh of relief, it was Matt.
“Hi. Um, it’s Lauren.”
“Lauren? Hi. Uh, what’s up?”
I gulped and fiddled with the pages of the phone book, “I need you. To take me somewhere, anywhere, I don’t care. I just need to get out of the house.”
I could hear him breathing, contemplating my plea, “Ok, I’ll be over in ten minutes.”
“Thanks.”
I hung up and sighed, snapping my rubber band. The next five minutes passed slowly. I shrugged into my coat and slipped on my flip flops. My pajamas were silk and extremely comfortable. Suddenly the lock on the front door twisted and in stumbled Luke and Michelle. They were laughing and hushing each other all at once. They stopped when they saw me.
“Hey sis.”
I nodded a hello.
“What are you doing up at this hour?”
I was about to reply when I saw headlights flicker in our driveway, it was Matt. I shook my head and made my way to the front door, “Cover for me, ok?”
“Lauren! Wait!”
Wordlessly I stepped out and shut the door. I ran to Matt’s car. I opened the door and collapsed into his arms. I began to cry, big heaving sobs that racked my shoulders, my dream lingering in my mind.
“Shh. It’s alright. You’re gonna be ok” Matt soothed, and rubbed my back, his arms cocooning me. I continued to cry, aware that the car was sitting in my driveway and my brother, I was sure, was watching us. Matt continued to whisper soothing words into my hair.
Sometime later I wiped my eyes and he drove out of the neighborhood onto the highway. Neither of us said anything. I noticed he was wearing athletic shirts and a black t-shirt, now stained with my tears. We drove around for awhile. Matt hummed softly to himself, since the radio didn’t work. I snapped my rubber band and rubbed my arm. I was exhausted, but feeling much better since Matt was there. Around three or so he pulled onto a dirt road, and we clunked our way through numerous potholes until we came upon a clearing. Matt cut the engine and motioned for me to hop out. I did, confused. Where were we?
Matt retrieved a few blankets from the back seat of the sedan and I knew we were going to sleep there. He laid down a blanket and two extras for us to use.
I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, “Where are we Matt?” Matt sat down on the blanket, motioning for me to do the same.
I sat and he slid an arm around my waist.
I leaned into his shoulder, and he ran a hand through his hair, “My brother and I found this place a few years ago. We used to come here a lot. It’s just this clearing at the edge of town.”
I had never heard of Matt having a brother, “What’s your brother doing now?”
He sighed, not looking at me, fiddling absentmindedly with a blade of grass, “Brandon committed suicide last summer.”
I gasped, “Wha--”
Matt shushed me, “Just sleep.”
We laid down on the blanket, him on one side and I on the other, each of us with our own. I tried my best to do as Matt had suggested; my body was tired. Still, my mind was fitful, Matt’s brother committed suicide!?! No wonder everyone is so nice to him. And the teachers...
Matt’s situation suddenly made a lot of sense. It didn’t answer all my questions, but it did explain why everyone was nice to him, and teachers refused to meet his gaze. I lay there for a long time, listening to Matt’s steady breathing. Tears sprang into my eyes when I thought of how nice he had been to me, especially tonight. Why was he being so nice to me?
I didn’t have an answer so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Bright sunshine and Matt’s arm on my face woke me up the next morning. I sat up and saw that the clearing was a mile wide spread of grass, surrounded by a dense forest. Matt rolled over as I got up and dusted myself off. I kneeled next to him, hesitantly, the sun was already high in the sky, and I was sure my parents were looking for me.
“Matt. Matt.” I whispered.
He stirred, wiping a hand across his face, and his blue eyes stared up at mine. He smiled, and sat up. I sat back on my heels, and grinned at him, twisting a strand of my hair in my hand. Matt yawned, “How’d you sleep?”
“Better. Thanks.”
He nodded.
Wordlessly we threw the blankets in the back of the car and Matt started up the engine. The clock read that it was close to one in the afternoon. I gaped at Matt, “Have we really been out that long?”
He nodded, “Yeah, but let’s head back to my house. I gotta shower.”
I agreed, and started to snap the band that was now permanently on my wrist. It took us about twenty minutes to get back to our neighborhood. I noticed Matt was especially quiet, and he methodically guided the car into the driveway of a house similar looking to mine.
He cut the engine, “Home sweet home.”
Briskly, Matt led me into a neat looking house, which smelled of disinfectant. Matt called out in the house, but there was no answer. We made our way upstairs and I tried to ignore my need to snap my rubber band. Matt brought me into his room and I sat down on his unmade bed.
“Stay here. I’ll be back in a few.”
I nodded and he slid off his shoes and socks and made his way down the hall. A few seconds later I heard the shower running. I got up and walked around his room. Matt’s room was classic boy; dirty clothes and mismatched furniture. His dresser was adorned with various trophies.
All Star Soccer Player—the Northern Hawks, 2003 season
I picked up the trophy and turned it in my hand. The year said that it was the past soccer season, when we were both sophomores. The shiny film of a picture caught my eye, and I studied a nearby photo. It showed Matt and a boy slightly older, I instantly knew it was Brandon. Brandon had his arm around Matt’s shoulder and they were both in dress clothes. They were smiling the happy smile of two siblings connected; I knew my parents had multiple pictures of me, Jenna and Luke in this quality. I heard the bathroom door slam.
Matt walked, his hair dripping wet, with nothing on but a towel around his waist. I was startled, “Matt, I can leave. I, uh--”
He shook his head, smiling, “Turn around.”
I did so, my face flushed.
I could hear drawers opening and shutting, and I studied the carpet intently. But no sooner had Matt said, “Done”, than the front door slammed. I turned around and we both grimaced. It was his mom.
“Matt?” her voice rang through the hall.
I sat down on his bed, and Matt dried his hair, humming loudly. Suddenly Mrs. Randall was at his doorway, hand on hip. She had brown hair and green eyes and she wore a classy suit. Her eyes narrowed as she surveyed Matt’s room.
“Matt, I thought I told you to clean.”
“I will Mom. This is Lauren.”
Mrs. Randall’s eyes swept over me and she nodded a hello.
“Now, Matt, I’m just home for a second, so I’ll see you at dinner.”
He nodded and she started down the hall.
I peered at Matt, “Um, Matt? Didn’t she just see me sitting on your bed?”
Matt gave me a condescending smile, “Lauren, she only sees what she wants to see. C’mon, I better get you home.”
On the drive back to my house I sat snapping my rubber band and Matt glanced over at me, “So, how do you think your parents are going to react when they see you come in at, oh, two in the afternoon?”
I stared out the window as he pulled into my driveway, “It’s going to be horrible.”
He let the car idle, and turned to face me, “Well, if the give you any trouble, just blame it on me. Ok?”
I smiled, thanked him for the ride and as I was about to get out of the car he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. In one quick motion his lips touched mine, and just as quickly he let go of my arm, sitting back slowly. I stared at him, speechless.
Matt ducked his head, and raised a hand to his mouth, “Please don’t tell me you’re going to ignore me now.”
I shook my head, and slid out of the car, thanking him once more. I sighed as I walked up the front walk and I waved goodbye as Matt lit his joint and backed his car out of the drive and down the street. I ran a hand through my hair and stepped into the house.
Suddenly I was surrounded by my parents. They hugged me, my mom especially, demanding to know where I had been. I didn’t see Jenna, just Luke, who raised his eyebrows at me as I sat on a plush chair in the family room.
“Lauren, please, tell us where you went with that boy” my mother pleaded.
I stared at them, “Um, we went to this clearing and--”
The words were barely out of my mouth when my mom gasped and covered her mouth with her hands, and I knew she thought the worst. My father had her sit and prodded me on.
I sighed, “I had a bad dream so I called him and I thought someone was covering me, I glared at Luke, so I left with Matt. We just slept out there.”
My face flushed and I rubbed my arm absentmindedly, “Nothing happened, and then we went back to his house this morning. So he could shower. That’s all.”
I looked up to see my father running his hands through his hair; a move Luke had picked up from him. My mother just sat in shock. Luke stood and stretched, “Well, Lauren, I think you’re grounded. Goodbye all, got to meet Michelle.”
Our father glared at him as he made his way out the front door and turned to look at me, “Lauren, going out at all hours of the night is completely unacceptable. You’re grounded, which means you won’t be going anywhere except school and therapy session, and only by bus. If either your mother or I see you with Matt during the next two weeks, we’ll extend your grounding. Understand?”
I nodded; there wasn’t really anything I could do. I knew deep down inside that Matt and I would be able to see each other plenty during school, and what that would lead to I didn’t know. I touched my lips; his brief kiss lingered on my mouth.
“Lauren? Are you paying attention?”
I looked up and my mom’s worried expression had me assuring them that I was indeed paying attention. A few minutes later I headed up the stairs, where I dressed and spent the rest of the afternoon missing Matt. I read, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get Matt out of my head; the way he easily smoked and drove at the same time, how he’d handled his mother, and how he’d held me tight while I cried.

---

Over the next two weeks, I saw very little of Matt. He didn’t pick me up or take me home, and we talked only briefly in the halls. I started attending my group therapy. It was alright. I thought each of the girls in the group were ok, and our leader, Kristin was nice. But I still longed to see Matt more often, and I could hardly contain my excitement when my grounding period was over. He picked me up that Monday after school, all smiles as I hopped in.
“Hey. So where to?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t we just drive around?”
“Ok, I have to make a few stops though.”
“That’s fine.”
As we sped out of the parking lot I was certain that I saw my brother staring at us. I didn’t care and I laughed aloud as Matt turned on his fixed radio. Music blasted out of the speakers, and he grinned at me as I sang along with the song. Our first stop was the girl Kate’s house. Once more Matt left me in the car as he made his way inside, and out briefly. I sang softly to myself until he bounded down the steps out to the car, running his hands through his black curls.
He hopped in, “Ok, now this one, I want you to come in.”
I nodded and we drove along the highway for a good thirty minutes, finally entering an expensive neighborhood, dotted with expensive trees and big brick houses. He pulled up at an expansive house, with a brick front and large windows.
I peered up at it, amazed such houses existed in this area, “Where are we?”
“This is my Dad’s house. C’mon.”
He led me up the walk, and rang the doorbell. He looked anxious, exhaling slowly, and he fiddled with his button down Oxford he wore haphazardly. He grinned at me, and the door swung open to reveal a sharp looking maid.
“Hello Mr. Randall. Is your father expecting you?”
Matt shook his head.
“Come on in please.”
We did, and the maid left us in a nice looking room lined with bookshelves. I glanced around at the titles, all appeared to be classics; Dickens, Hawthorne, and the Bronte sisters.
“What does your Dad do?”
“He’s a business guy. He does something high up in his company. I’m not sure.”
I nodded.
“Matty!”
Suddenly a young boy and girl were clambering all over Matt on the sofa, one with bright blue eyes and the other with striking green. They both looked to be about four or five, the girl had long blond hair and the boy had Matt’s rumpled hair. The kids were dressed neatly and were followed by a nanny and a nicely dressed woman.
Matt looked up, “Hi Christa.”
The woman was young, probably in her early thirties and trim. She looked immaculately groomed, and irritated that Matt was there.
“Justin, Heather, come here.”
The nanny waved the kids over to her and they hugged Matt goodbye tightly, their words running together. Christa nodded at the nanny and sat down across from us on a rose colored loveseat.
“So, Matt, who’s your friend?”
“This is Lauren. Lauren, this is my step-mom Christa.”
I smiled and said hello, and Christa did the same.
“You know Matt; your father was not expecting you. Nor was I.” Her voice was cold.
“Well, everyone likes a surprise every now and then, don’t they Christa?”
Christa was surprised at his retort as was I. Matt stood as the maid entered, “Your father will see you in his study now Mr. Randall.”
Matt nodded a goodbye to Christa and motioned for me to follow him. We made our way down a nicely furnished hallway to his father’s study. The study had lots of cherry furniture and dark colors on the wall; it was very masculine. I instantly noticed the resemblance between Matt and his father. They both had a lean frame and that curly black hair and blue eyes. Matt motioned for me to sit as his father finished up a business call. I noticed that Matt continued to adjust his shirt, and was tense as his father put down the phone.
“Matt, long time no see. What brings you here? Need any money?” His words were clipped and he looked impatient.
Matt chuckled, “No Dad, just wanted to see what’s going on. How’ve you been?”
“I’m fine, I’ve been very busy. So who’s your friend? Another one of your weekend flings perhaps?”
I stared at the floor as Matt blushed, caught off guard, “No, Lauren’s a friend of mine. She’s new here.”
“Oh, well, nice to meet you Lauren.”
I nodded a hello once more and studied the bookshelves. Matt was shifting in his chair and I could sense he was getting angry.
“How’s your mother doing? Still leaving you alone at Kate’s house?”
“She’s working very hard to support us Dad, and I go to Kate’s house to get away. You know that.”
“Well I don’t understand why you hang out with your brother’s ex girlfriend. You really should leave them alone. And if you wanted to get away you could come here. But give me notice first. Really.”
“Dad, I just came by to say hi, not to be lectured.”
“Alright then, Matt, I’m just saying that they shouldn’t be bothered by you.”
Matt gave his father a look of disgust, “I’ve got to go, bye Dad.”
We stood and I mumbled a goodbye as Matt led me out. As soon as we were in the car he was cussing right and left, obviously stung by his father’s words. We sped off down the road, Matt blasting the radio once more.
He glanced at me, “Thanks for tagging along. I should have told you about Kate. I’m sorry, for that and for not telling you about my asshole of a dad.”
I shrugged and snapped my rubber band, “Its ok. How long were Brandon and Kate together?”
“Since their freshman year.”
“Oh.”
“Listen, some of my friends are having a party tonight? Do you want to go?”
I stopped snapping my rubber band. Matt’s proposal a total surprise, but I quickly recovered my composure.
“Yeah, but I’ve got to go home first.”
“OK.”
I glanced at the clock; we had been out for close to three hours, “What time does the party start?”
“Around eight.”
“Well, how bout you drop me off at my house, and pick me up around eight then?”
He grinned, “Sure.”
I leaned back against the seat, “I’ve started group therapy.”
“That’s good.”
We rode in silence, and he turned the radio off, the sound of me snapping my band was the only music in the car. Matt said he would be back at eight and sped off, waving good bye. Inside my parents were getting ready for dinner and I saw Jenna’s fiancée Carter Campbell talking sports with my dad. I groaned inwardly. Apparently Carter was staying for dinner. I shrugged off my backpack and slid out of my flip flops.
I was wearing a tight fitting long sleeved polo and capri pants. I was still in my long sleeved shirts phase, which my parents ignored and Kristin said, would go away. I didn’t mind them. Luke was lounging in our den, his head propped up by a pillow as he searched for a show on TV. I ambled into the den, not ready to face my parents and the “happy couple”.
Luke yawned, “Where’d you go with Matt?”
“Around” I replied, not wanting to give him any ideas.
“He sure does drive fast.”
“Not any faster than you.”
“He has a reputation Lauren.” Luke turned off the TV and sat up. I sat down hesitantly on the chair across from him.
“Everyone has a reputation Luke.”
“Lauren, he does a lot of weed. You shouldn’t be hanging out with him.”
I crossed my arms in front of my chest, “I don’t know why you’re talking. You get home drunk a lot Luke. Everyone has their faults.”
I knew that I had touched a nerve and I instantly regretted it. A flash of hurt crossed Luke’s face as he stood, “All I’m saying Lauren, is be careful, ok?”
“Ok Dad.” I muttered as he passed me on his way to the kitchen.
I sighed and followed him in. My mother gave me a kiss hello and before I even could get a word out we were sitting down to a meal of steak and potatoes. I thought dinner would never end. My parents chatted up Jenna and Carter as if they had only just met. Luke was silent, and I spent thirty minutes in agony before I could even utter a sentence that didn’t start with, “Can you pass me the--”.
“Matt’s taking me to a party.”
Luke dropped his fork, Jenna tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her pierced ear, and my parents just stared at me. Carter looked amused, and a little bothered that he was being troubled with my announcement.
I looked around carefully, “He’s picking me up at eight.”
“Is that so?” my father cut his meat slowly.
“Well, that’s nice Lauren; you should invite him in. Alright?” my mom smiled weakly at Carter, as if to offer a soundless apology for my interruption.
I nodded and conversation resumed. Luke still wouldn’t look at me as he sat there, done with his food. We finished eating close to seven and I spent the time listening to my parents discuss the wedding with Jenna and Carter. I tuned most of it out, and wondered if my appearance was ok for a party. I was surprised and glad that my parents weren’t quizzing me about Matt. I glanced at the clock, only three minutes had past since I had last glanced at it. Finally, I saw his car pull up.
I slipped out the door, and hurried out to the car, the threat of a Californian October was in the air. I hopped in the car, explaining hurriedly that my parents needed to meet him. He didn’t say anything, Matt just nodded as I stopped, looking at him fervently.
For the first time since I had gotten in the car I realized he was completely stoned. Still coherent, Matt and I entered my house and my entire family, including Carter Campbell, looked up.
“Everyone, this is Matt Randall. Matt, this is everyone.”
My parents got in line first, my dad to quiz Matt on his family, my mom to warn him that my curfew was eleven. Luke didn’t say anything and neither did Jenna or Carter. I was glad to see that no one noticed Matt’s bloodshot eyes and drawn appearance. Soon it was over, and I gave a sigh of relief as we shut the door behind us. Matt glanced at me, chuckling, and I hesitated as he entwined his fingers with mine, leaning close. I smiled at him as we slid into the car, and I closed my eyes as we sped off down the street, the music blaring once more.
“So, where are we going tonight?”
“You remember Riley?”
“Yeah.”
“He’s having a party tonight, that whole crowd from lunch. You and Zee seemed to hit if off.”
I nodded.
The music was pulsing as we pulled up to Riley’s house. It was a sturdy Colonial, a few neighborhoods over from mine. I noticed a few cars were pulled into the drive, and I began to snap my rubber bands as we made our way up the walk. Matt held my hand once more, and drowsily he led me into the house. I tried not to gape as we walked in. I tried to pretend that I went to parties all the time. The house was well furnished, and classy. Many of Matt’s friends clamored around him as we walked in; it was not unlike the pictures of celebrities being mobbed. However, for once I was the celebrity’s pretty girlfriend. If you could call me pretty.
After awhile, I drifted off, cruising between couples making out, kids sipping beers, and the hazy smoke of the drugs I knew everyone was consuming. While I walked, I realized I hadn’t seen Zee and I was getting bored. I found Matt at the front of the house, sipping beer while he argued with a friend over a band. He grinned when he saw me and slipped his arm around my waist. I welcomed the gesture and felt completely comfortable standing next to him while all the envious girls looked on. I continued to snap my rubber band and was glad no one noticed I was wearing a long sleeved shirt.
Sometime later, I think the clock on the dashboard said it was 10:49 PM Matt and I left the party.
I had only had one beer while I was there so I felt relaxed, but not too far gone. Matt too was grinning as we sped out of Riley’s driveway. We took our time getting back to my house, taking the back roads.
I glanced at him as the trees flew by; he suddenly had the most gorgeous hair, all curly and black. I instantly wanted to run my fingers through it. We pulled into my driveway at 11:07 PM, twenty three minutes before me curfew. Matt turned off the engine and we sat there in silence.
“I had nice time, thanks for taking me” I turned to look at him, hesitantly.
He turned himself to look at me, “Thanks for coming.”
Subconsciously, we slid closer to each other. He leaned closer to me, his eyes staring at mine. I licked my lips, feeling my heart pound.
He lifted his hand to brush my cheek, and I glanced out of the corner of my eye, briefly seeing the moon before I closed my eyes.
Our lips met slowly as he kissed me. I let him, unsure of what came next, except for kissing him back. He tasted smoky and sweet, his lips were warm and soft.
He kissed me harder, slowly sliding his hands around waist. My heart was still pounding as I slid my hands around his neck, and began to run my fingers through his curly hair. We kept kissing, sliding closer to each other, as much as we could before we unbuckled our seat belts.
I could feel his hands slowly sliding up my shirt, they were cool and felt good, but I knew it was too fast, too soon.
I stopped kissing him, even though it took almost all my willpower.
“What? What’s wrong?” he asked. Quietly. Concerned.
I glanced at him uncertainly, “It’s just..it's too soon, I, I don’t think I’m ready for anything..like that.”
Matt slid back into his seat, “It’s fine. Don’t worry about. If it’s too soon for you…ok.”
I glanced at the clock, “I gotta go. See you tomorrow?”
He nodded, barely looking at me as he started the engine. I slipped out of the car, shut the door quietly and walked slowly up our walkway, snapping my rubber band quickly.

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