FIGURING OUT MYSELF
What's life? what's God? what's good? what's bad? These are the questions that will help me figure out the mysteries of life, all the locks would be opened if I could just figure out myself.
I was born in a middle class family. I always did what I liked and most of the time, as a kid, I did things that were rude, and I remember hurting people as well. Now, when I think about it, I was a mixture of everything. I never studied but I always passed with good marks. I wasn't shy at all. I made friends easily and never had any problems that took lots of guts to solve. I had fun all the time, but I also remember getting beatings from the ruthless teachers; honestly, I was a victim of many accidents too. But, still, I call entitle myself a "Goddess of Imagination and dreams."
Now, when I compare myself to the person I was before, I find myself completely different and new. It seems like my past was just a beautiful dream that short-lived. I am matured, shy, emotional, hyper-sensitive, and a lot more reasonable now than I was back then, and its all because of those 3 years, the experiences, the scarcity, the realization, the reality, the hatred, the loneliness, the pain, that I faced during those years. It had felt like forever...
I could write a whole book about those 3 years. Tears fall when I try to remember what had happened. I became a victim of low self-esteem. Gullible and faithful is the right word to explain the next me. I did everything, just everything to keep others happy and pleased, I never asked for anything in return...I just wanted everybody else to be happy. But with all that, people treated me like garbage, they took advantage of me, took my confidence away, and never cared about my feelings. The friends whom I worshipped, betrayed me, they always filled my ears with things that I was not supposed to know, they looted me, they took everything that I possessed, they took the most beautiful part of me, and left me alone, with pain, fear, disgust and darkness everywhere.
I cried, I called for God to help me, to take me away, but there was no answer, nothing to make me feel the other way around. If you look at me now, you wouldn't be able to guess how much knowledge I have about life, reality, God, suffering, power, spirit, talent, pain, friendship, hatred, love, just everything...
Now, I know why I am made like this, if I weren't what I am now, I would have never thought about these things, probably, I would be making fun of people like the others and taking advantage of the gullible...but I am not like those people, God did his best to make me what I am now and cuz of that, I feel this way and I have the gift to know how others' feel. God may have taken the beautiful part of me, but he gave me the most beautiful gift for what he took away, I can tell by the look in a person's eyes how he or she feels and what they're all about...I wouldn't say that God was unfair to me, he gave me the power to influence others', the power to talk people out of things that are not good, the power to give other's confidence and teach them to love and care all, and to judge everything equally.
With the gift, sometimes, its hard to live knowing the emotions of the wanted and poor, and I ask God why did he choose me? And he tells me that, "You have suffered a lot, and everything that happened to you was a test which you passed successfully, and there's no other creature that can handle the gift to understand and help others. Just remember that you are beautiful and kind, always remember to be yourself, because there is no one like you. Just believe and everything will be okay. Just believe."
I will always remember these words. I have learnt a lot of lessons. I guess, there's more of me that I still need to figure out...but tell me, can you figure me out?
-Rebecca Dali.