INTERVIEW with JEHOVAH
Copyright � 2001 OzHeretic. All Rights ReservedMy guest tonight is Jehovah � God of the Jews. Welcome sir. Firstly, do I refer to you as "God", "The Lord" or "Jehovah"?
Slow down arsehole, before we go any further, you're not a cripple are you?
Excuse me?
A fucking paraplegic or a blind bastard.
These days we don't say things like that, we refer to people as disabled or visually impaired.
Don't give me all that political correctness bullshit, I hate fucking crips.
I resent your tone, but as it happens I am able-bodied.
Good. What about your nose? I hate flat nosed gentile scum.
So that's why you banned the blind, the lame and the racially "inferior" from your synagogues, eh � I've always thought that was rather spiteful of you.
I don't give a fuck what you think, arsehole.
Perhaps we'll change the subject, may we proceed with the interview... how do I address you?
I am He whose name shall not be uttered, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Alpha, Omega, omniescent, omnipotent, all-knowing, He who must be obeyed, the Wrathful One!
Yes, well, if you don't mind I shall call you Cunt.
It's an acronym is it? Like, 'Creator of Universal and Nuclear Terror'?
If it makes you feel better, yes it's an acronym.
I think I prefer "Lord".
Lord it is then. Tell me Lord, what was the point of creating mankind, giving it freedom of choice, then destroying it because it exercised freedom of choice?
I was bored.
You mean, you drowned thousands of men, women and children to add a little sparkle to your day?
Mate, once you've created Heaven and Earth in six days, there's not much left on the agenda. I created life so's I could enjoy the spectacle of people killing each other. Like a game of chess but with real live kings, bishops and pawns.
So the Great Flood was just to jolly things along a bit?
That's about the size of it. Besides, those miserable sods were worshipping other deities, really pissed me off. I thought, "I'll show those ungrateful bastards, I'll send a deluge and drown the fucking lot of 'em."
No hesitation about drowning the children?
None whatsoever. What'd they ever done for me?
Valid point, I suppose.
Besides, the more people I destroy, the more the survivors worship me.
Please explain.
Read your papers, I frequently sink ferry loads of pilgims attending religious festivals. If a Filipino mother of eight children loses seven of her sprogs, what's the first thing she does on reaching shore?
Take the surviving child to hospital?
Naaaaaaa, she goes to church to thank me for my MERCY! Right?
Damn it, you're right, that's what they do.
Thank you. On 9/11, I watched those Muslim monkeys pack their boxcutters, saw them safely past customs and onto their planes, then I stood by doing nothing while they murdered 3,000 people. The first thing the yanks did was drop to their knees and chant, "In Gud we trust!"
It's a bit like a B&D master/slave relationship, the crueler the master, the more grateful the slave.
That's it exactly. Treat 'em like shit and they'll love you for it.
Presumably all those dying people were praying to you during their final moments. Tell me about the power fo prayer.
The power of prayer, Ha! Mate, there's more power in my farts!
But people the world over, of every religion, pray to you.
There's no limit to stupidity. Right now a billion Catholics pray to me every single day to restore the Pope's health. I respond by making him a bit sicker every day.
And yet they still believe in the power of prayer!
They'll argue for its efficacy till they're blue in the face. Yet the Pope himself is dosed up with man-made medicines because his doctors know that prayer sucks.
And paradoxically, the inventors and manufacturers of those medicines would have been burned at the stake by previous popes for practising alchemy and magic.
I tell you what, this is a fun game. Sure beats snakes and ladders.
Tell me about Adam and Eve. Did Eve really talk to a serpent?
Only morons believe that.
Of course, but millions of Christians do.
I rest my case. Look, what really happened was this. Eve got curious about life, she fell asleep under a tree...
Would that be the Tree of Knowledge?
It was a fucking pear tree, dickhead!
Sorry, but the bible says...
Never mind what the buggering bible says, I'm here to tell you what happened. Now do you wanna hear this or shall I turn you into a pillar of dog shit?
I'm listening.
Eve figured out a few basics about life so I cursed her and all womanhood to an eternity spent writhing in pain.
Wasn't that a little extreme?
No, I hate fucking women. Dirty, stinking creatures.
If you feel that way about them, why did you create them?
I resisted. I tried mating Adam with dogs, monkeys, goats, sheep, just about everything, but he kept rambling on about incontinence jeans or something, so I manufactured a woman, just to shut him up.
Perhaps he was referring to incompatible genes?
Don't get smart with me fella! If you think you know more about life than I do you're way out'a line.
Sorry, so how did you resolve it?
I said, "Adam, I'm going to make you a woman. She'll be be cute, with a great set of tits. She'll cook, she'll fuck and she'll give good head, but it'll cost you."
You were going to charge him?
Yep, I told him it would cost him an arm and a leg.
And?
He asked what he'd get for a rib...
Ahhhh, this is bullshit... Look, if you are, as you claim, "all knowing", how come you didn't figure out the inevitable outcome of placing two curious people in the Garden of Eden?
Temporary lapse of memory.
Tempor.... OK, well, I guess you must have been under a lot of stress. Tell me, did you manufacture any other women besides Eve?
No way, Hosea.
So who did Cain mate with?
He fucked his mother of course, dummy.
So the "original sin" wasn't Eve plucking an apple but Cain fucking his mother? And you planned the whole thing.
You catch on fast, hombre.
OK, moving on to your meeting with Abraham. Why did you choose such a low calibre, despicable man to kick-start your "chosen" race?
Abraham was a man after my own heart, cruel, deceitful, corrupt and perverted.
Perverted?
Sure, he married his half sister, Sarai, then put her straight on the game. Abraham got rich by inviting other men to fuck his wife. He was perfect for the job.
Perfect indeed. Was Sarai a good screw?
The best. She was still at it well into her nineties.
When you first noticed Abraham he was about to sacrifice his son, Isaac, wasn't he?
Yup, he was poised to roast the little bastard over a sacrificial fire.
Had that sort of thing happened before?
Of course, thousands of times. "And we cast lots among the priests for the wood offering, to burn upon the altars of the Lord, the firstborn of our sons." That's courtesy of me ol' mate Nehemiah.
Are you telling me that you stood by doing nothing while thousands of parents burned their children to death?
Why not. I hate the little bastards.
You hate children as well as women?
I loathe them. Besides, they weren't all burned to death. Check the account of Jephthah. As a gesture of gratitude to me he stabbed his daughter to death.
So you actually encouraged parents to slaughter their children... for what reason?
To cover me in glory.
To cov... how on earth did the murder of little children cover you in glory?
Look, I made no secret of the fact that I'm an insecure deity. What did I say, I said, "I thy God am a jealous God..." I needed parents to slaughter their children in order to make me feel big and powerful. It gave me a sense of importance. Apart from that, I like hearing the little varmits scream.
In that case why did you call a halt to child sacrifice?
I didn't, it just sort of sizzled, sorry, fizzled out. Jephthah slaughtered his bitch hundreds of years after the Isaac reprieve. I guess it was a case of shifting attitudes. People were getting just a teensy-weensy bit fed up with the practice.
So you gave in.
Got'ta move with the times, you know. Besides, there are plenty of other ways of making children suffer.
For example?
Have you read Proverbs lately?� "He that spareth the rod, hateth his son...Let not thy soul spare for his crying...Thou shalt beat him with a rod."� That's worked like a charm for three thousand years. Still working to this day. Millions of children have been bashed and brutalised because of that passage. I've seen tiny infants so bruised that they couldn't move a limb for weeks. Fucking laugh, I've lost count of the little bastards who've actually been beaten to death.
That's dreadful!
You reckon? My favourite trick was forcing parents to eat their progeny. "And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat..." That's in Leviticus. Nothing like McInfant and fries!
I feel sick.
Try this one for size � "Happy shall he be that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones!" You'll find that in Psalms. Want more?
Not particularly. All this will come as a terrible shock to those people who believe that you're the "Merciful Father".
Hilarious isn't it. Fortunately for me, no one reads the bible.
I have read it, as a matter of fact, and I must say I find it rather disturbing. You come across as a ranting, raving imbecile.
I've warned you once fella, watch your step or I'll give you haemorrhoids and force you to eat excrement.
Why on earth would you make me do that?
Because I'm King-fucking-Kong, that's why. If I say "eat shit" you get down on your hands and knees and eat shit.
So you really used to order people to "Eat the dung that cometh out of man." How revolting. It's hard to reconcile your vile nature with your reputation as the God of Love.
God of fucking love � ha! � sucker, I'm the God of Hate, War, Misery and Death!
Yes, well, I'd already figured that out. Moses knew you better than most and he referred to you as "The God of War".
Moses was a man's man. I offered him my arse on one occasion but he turned it down. His loss.
I remember that � "The Lord showed his back parts to Moses."
I wouldn't do it for just anyone.
Is it true that you can play tunes through your anus?
Ask the Moabs, I gave them a wonderful rendition of Hava Nagilia and then I shit myself.
Tell me about the wars you initiated.
How long have you got?
Another twenty minutes.
Mate, it would take all day. I'll describe the highlights. Moses set the mood, "And we took all Sihon's cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, the women, and the little ones of that city. We let none remain." I spurred Moses on to even greater victories, another sixty cities in all, "Three-score cities... utterly destroying the men, women and children of every city."
A real shaker and a mover, that Moses. What about Saul?
I let Saul deal with the citizens of Amelek. I said to Saul, "Spare no one. Prepare slaughter of men, women, children and babies." And he did a damned fine job. Impaled babies on swords, slashed open pregnant women. Marvellous.
Obviously a very thorough man. And Joshua?
Joshua, another excellent fellow. Demolished the walls of Jericho then slaughtered every living thing. "And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox and sheep and ass, with the edge of a sword." He even killed the fucking animals. Laugh, I nearly pissed myself.
Sounds like a real fun campaign. And King David?
David's body-count was absolutely phenomenal. Slaughtered tens of thousands. He was more creative than most. He'd take prisoners then force them to walk through white-hot kilns till they blistered and burst into flames. Either that, or he'd saw their heads off while they were still alive. Fucking grouse mate.
David, the King of the Jews, charming man. But if you thought so much of him, why did you kill his son?
Why not? From memory, David raped some married slut and murdered her husband, so I gave the sprog a fever and let him slowly die.
Nice touch. Gideon was another imaginative soul wasn't he?
Brilliant fellow. He'd force prisoners to run through thorn bushes until their flesh was ripped off and they died in bleeding agony.
And these men, these "excellent fellows", they were carrying out your orders?
To the letter.
And these are the men we're taught to admire and respect? The so-called "patriarchs".
So you should. A finer bunch of savages and cut-throats there has never been.
A source of great pride to you, obviously.
Right on. You've seen the Cross of David?
How could one miss it?
The six points represent the six great�warriors of Judaism.
You've only mentioned five.
Solomon was a bit of a let down. His main interest in life was stocking his harems with young kids from the conquered territories. He refused to slaughter the goodlooking babes. Waste of hot pussy, he reckoned.
So between them, these six "warriors" slaughtered, what, a hundred thousand people?
Are you kidding? Like, before breakfast! Mate, this campaign went on for a thousand years. My heroes drenched the land with the blood of the vanquished.
You didn't do too crash hot with the valley dwellers of Canaan.
That was an unfair battle, they had "chariots of iron".
Your army was defeated because the other side had better vehicular transport?
Can't win 'em all. Besides, they were the only ones to survive, we slaughtered every other Canaanite of every city and let none survive. We slaughtered their livestock and burned their homes. I mean, come on... damn near perfect record.
Why did you feel it necessary to kill so many innocent people?
Because those so-called "innocent people" were gentiles, that's why. I hate fucking gentiles.
So why create them in the first place? Don't tell me, I know, memory lapse.
Partly, but I love seeing the blood and the gore. Suffering turns me on.
Is that why you burned the inhabitants of Sodom and Gommorah?
Ah, that was slightly different, they were sinners, you understand. If you remember, I offered to save them if so few as ten righteous men could be found.
Weren't there any children living in those two cities?
Thousands of the little ratbags.
Well surely they were innocent.
Up to a point, but most of them'd been cheeky to their parents at some stage.
And you felt that was sufficient justification for burning them to death?
Of course. Children should respect their parents.
What about the tiny babies, they couldn't possibly have been guilty of anything.
Look fuck-face, stop quibbling over a few thousand infants. As far as I'm concerned they were all a bunch of festering cockroaches. I torched the whole fucking lot of them with fire and brimstone.
It's really strange, a few years ago in Australia, a man threw petrol over a child and set him alight. As far as the Australian people are concerned this man is the lowest form of maggot shit that ever lived. And yet you � he who incinerated thousands of children � they worship.
I know, it's bloody brilliant isn't it, the more you terrorise people the more they love you. You should have heard the kids screaming, gave me a fucking great hard on!
So why did you spare Lot and his family?
That's right, I spared someone didn't I. You see, I'm not such a bad fella after-all.
Lot seemed a strange choice to me. He was a coward and a deviant who'd encouraged a gang of thugs to rape his virgin daughters, he hardly seems like the essence of righteousness.
I love evil bastards. Lot was a loathsome, filthy arsewipe, that's why I saved him.
Then you turned his wife into a pillar of salt?
Fucking hoot that was.
Finally,�you stood by doing nothing while Lot raped his daughters.
Yeah, budding young tits, tight little pussies, I told him to go for it.
And Jesus was descended from this incestuous coupling?
Correct. Lot was King David's great, great grandfather and King David was Joseph's great, great grandfather.
A few more "greats" I believe.
Depends on whose account you read.
Tell me about Jesus.
That little prick. What a let down he turned out to be.
Why, what did he do wrong?
What did he do right, more like it? Fucking moron, he spent two years prancing around the desert washing feet.
No, you've got that wrong, someone washed his feet.
I'm warning you fella, pillar of dog shit if you're not careful.
Sorry.
Jesus was a useless little turd. Had it not been for those four church stooges � Fat Matt, Mark the Shark, Cute Luke and John the Dong � had it not been for their creative flare, Jesus would have dropped into obscurity the day he carked it.
Like a fart in the wind?
You said it � the methane messiah.
As you know, sir, Jesus was on this very programme last week, and he claimed that Saint Paul was his promotions manager.
Paul set the ball rolling but he wasn't responsible for all the garbage about virgin births, walking corpses and christ knows what. I'll tell you something, in his lifetime Jesus achieved nothing at all, a big fat zero. Then after his ignominious exit, the church attributed to him the feats of wog gods and alien messiahs.
So Jesus was a "best of" compilation?
That sums it up perfectly. You're not such a drop-kick after all.
Then the church used the ravings of their own scribes to launch inquisitions, wars, witch burnings and so on.
I love the smell of scorched flesh in the morning.
Let's move on. Much is made by the church of the fact that "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son." Any comment?
Think about it. Even allowing for the absurd possibility that he was related to me, that little squirt was on this planet for 33 years, a mere 33 clicks. I was glad to see the back of him. During that period he was in constant communication with me. He had no idea what the hell he was doing so he used to phone home every few hours. Then after 33 years, he ended up sponging off me again, so what kind of a sacrifice was that?
None really, not when compared to the millions of parents whose sons were slaughtered by you in various genocidal pogroms and "holy" wars.
Exactly. There is so much fucking garbage in that bible.
Talking about garbage, who wrote the Book of Revelation?
John the fruitloop. Now there was a fella with imagination. Lions with breast plates, flaming dragons and rivers of blood... Mag-fucking-nificent!
So John of Revelation was insane?
Can't you tell? If you were to write Revelation today they'd cart you off in a white van.
Are you aware that christian fundamentalists, particularly in the USA, look upon John's ravings as a prophesy which must be fulfilled? "The Rapture" they call it, when the righteous will be sucked skywards while the bulk of us � the sinners � will be consumed in a nuclear holocaust.
I know, groovy isn't it. We nearly had the Big One under Ronald Reagan. I kept whispering in his ear, "Go Ronald - Go! Drop the Bomb on Russia, just like it's predicted!"
But it isn't predicted, that's the crazy thing, there's just a load of nonsense about dragons, mouth-swords, and hairy locusts with lions' teeth.
So what? Christians believe it's predicted and that's all that matters.
So why did Reagan disobey you?
Because that arsehole Gorbachev backed down, that's why. We came within a whisker of total annihilation and then Communism collapsed. But don't you worry, there'll be other opportunities. The fundamentalists are far from beaten. They'll work with me until we achieve my number-one goal, Armageddon, total annihilation, just you wait and see. I'll have a good wank that day.
It might be a while before America elects another fundamentalist christian president.
No wucking forries. I've got Baptist boys down missile silos and on nuclear submarines. Top military personnel, all convinced that a nuclear war is inevitable and desirable! That's the bit I like. Hundreds of Born-Agains with their fingers hovering over the button. Law of averages, one of them'll find a way to trigger a nuclear holocaust.
You mean, these people can escalate a minor conflict into a nuclear exchange?
Piece of piss. Who do you think programmes the Pentagon computers and the computers which control the so-called "fail-safe" systems?
Don't tell me.
My boys of course. Top-notch personnel.
So they're in a position to put the whole world at risk?
The sort of thing they can do, quite effectively, is launch a Cruise Missile attack against the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade.
So that wasn't an accident?
My recruits don't have accidents, everything is carefully considered and planned. They've even managed to convince George junior to revive Rockin' Ron's Star Wars programme.
Just as the nuclear threat was winding down.
That's right, the National Defence Initiative, so-called, will compel China and Russia to modernise and rebuild their nuclear arsenals � 'ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go...
That's diabolical.
It's part of God's Divine Plan � my guys are single mindedly working towards The Rapture.
And will there be rapture?
Mate, the only one in raptures will be me. Watching 6 billion people burn, starve, writhe, go mad and die of multiple diseases, I'll be in seventh heaven.
I thought you were there already.
Not until the last gentile is dead.
But Jews won't escape.
Yeah well I'm getting bored with them too � fucking grovelling turd wurdlers. And anyway it was all a bit of a joke, I told them they were my "chosen race" then I tortured them for three thousand years. People believe any old toot.
Good grief, do you mean to tell me....
Sure, I told them to slice off the end of their dicks and we'd be mates for life. Ha!
And all the while you had contempt for them...
Mate, if it breathes I have contempt for it.
So...
Time's running out, I've got a busy day ahead, I'm doing lunch with bin Laden.
Working on the Jihad, eh?
Classified.
But it's fair to say that you're on friendly terms with Osama bin Laden?
He calls me Al.
And... alright, I understand you have to exercise caution, but are you helping bin Laden with his WMD programme?
Among other things. I'm more interested in his work with bacteria. I'd like to see smallpox stage a comeback. Smallpox was my greatest creation.
You created smallpox?
I created everything, including fleas, lice, tapeworm, cockroaches, flies, mosquitoes, malaria, tuberculosis, polio, syphilis, AIDS, cancer � everything, "And the Lord was well pleased", don't you recall that bit?
I do, but I didn't realise it referred to fleas, lice, diseases and the like.
If it lives, I created it. Gives a whole new meaning to "All things bright and beautiful" eh! Fleas are great, they serve no useful purpose other than to drive animals insane. Exquisite suffering.
They were pretty effective at spreading the bubonic plague.
They were too. I'll make a note of that, bin Laden could put them to useful effect.
So where does bin Laden fit in with the scheme of things?
He's my apprentice. Smallpox, plague, anthrax, sarin, we'll get something off the ground. The World Trade Centre was just a warning shot, a shot a cross the bows. Me and bin, bin and me � what a team. Osama bin Laden's up there with King David and the best of them.
But what if....
Interview over. I'm running late.
OK, time's beaten us. I can't say it's been a pleasure but thanks for appearing on our programme anyway.
No worries sport, give us y'r dick and I'll snip the end off...
Interview with Jesus
Interview with the Virgin
Interview with Satan
OzHeretic