1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories on arguing with women. Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse

31.Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

32. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

33. Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

34. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

35. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

36. If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.

37. If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

38. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

39. If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing.

40. If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

41. Never buy a car you can't push.

42. Never eat yellow snow.

43. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

44. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

45. The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

46. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

47. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.