Olympic-Like


I’m not sure exactly when I wrote this particular piece, but I do know it was made because of the huge to-do everyone was and still are making about the use of the name Olympics, the rings, the music, etc. In my opinion, all the Olympics are anymore is just one big commercial. Really, there are more sport-oriented materials present in a Mountain Dew commercial then in the Olympics. Remember in the days of the Athens Olympics when it was about Greco-Roman wrestling and their sick man/boy love fetishes? Or when the Olympics were in Germany and we were fighting Hitler with Jesse Owens? See, there has always been an alternate agenda for the Olympics (although proverbially slapping Hitler in his face via the long-jump competition was genius). So, enjoy the story and I promise, no commercial endorsement, except that stupid ad up in the top right corner of your screen. You see it? Yeah, I hate it, too.



Gather ‘round the fire and let uncle T.J. tell you a story. It was nigh on to 16 years ago in our lord’s year of 1655 (that’s fity-fife) and I was about as 36 as a 41 year old could be. I was coming back from the Olympics with a torn YMCA muscle. I was hobbling along until I saw an old wizard-looking man with a big gray beard in a tall pointy hat. I kicked him in the shin and went over to the homeless man who was offering homeless-like advice to all those seeking his counsel. “You want to watch me pee in this jar?” he said with great wisdom and I knew just what he meant; I was to return to the Olympics to win the gold… but how? I found myself day in and day out pushing myself to the limit. I watched Rocky, Grease, Flashdance, Navy Seals, and any movie I could to get inspired for greatness. Four years later, there I was, about to go for my gold medal I had longed for for so many years. I had to work my way along, fight everyone with all my might, and even cheat a little by pushing those in my way out, but I eventually did it… I won the gold medal for Women’s Figure Skating. As I went heading home, I got in a little trouble for not actually performing my own moves or some nonsense so I fled the country and beat the crap out of anyone who recognized me until finally I saw the dead of the Olymic Committee and said to him… Gather ‘round the fire and let uncle T.J. tell you a story.


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