Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Marshal the Finger.
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a Six Hour Round.
Chapter 10- When Does A Divot become classified as Sod.
Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water.
Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the Fifth
Chapter 13 - Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight.
Chapter 14- When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.
Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee.
Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.
Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.
Chapter 18 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever.
Chapter 19- Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective stress-Reduction Technique.
Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give her a $3 Tip , but will balk at $4.50 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.
*****************************
80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great , but I'm sure there's more to it than that . How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died ?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
****************************
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant,then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? I hope your proud of yourself! - While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care - And you'll be her care giver!"...
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding, She died more than two hours ago - What'd you shoot?"
******************************
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right.......The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
"I wish I could play my normal game...just once."
"Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot........... rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ..neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.......and that's the truth!
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.
The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work .. and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they shoot a six, yell fore........... and write five.
Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
"The greatest sound in golf is the Woosh, Woosh, Woosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway"
******************************
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared
by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
"There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our
spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match." Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made.
Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus.. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness" said the golfer.
Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
*****************************
To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland.
On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other,I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!"
*****************************
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.
"You play golf?!" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
Stevie replies "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
**************************
Golf Wisdom...........the season has begun!!!
When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. ~Author Unknown.
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown
I've spent most of my life golfing. the rest I've just wasted. ~Author Unknown
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. ~Raymond Floyd
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. ~Jim Bishop
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. ~Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five ~Paul Harvey
Give me golf clubs, fresh air &a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~Jack Benny
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? ~Al Boliska
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. ~Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. ~Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. ~Woodrow Wilson
A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible . ~Author Unknown
Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty. ~Author Unknown
Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit" included.) ~Author Unknown
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off . ~Author Unknown
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown
*****************************
The Laws of Golf or Murphy was a golfer
* LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
* LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
* LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
* LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
* LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
* LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
* LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
* LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
* LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
* LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
* LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
* LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
* LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
* LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
* LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
* LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one."
* LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
* LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
* LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
* LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
*********************************
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds: "You are not going to spend it on
liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
"You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man.
Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the
better of him. ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂIsn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish, gamble or play golf."
******************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. "The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said....... "Why can't these guys play at night?"
***************************
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Mike had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
*************************
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that bought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday."
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
**************************
A Caddy's Comments:
10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch -- it's a compass."
4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
1 Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
*****************************
Several men are in the locker room of a private golf club. Suddenly, a cell phone that is on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $35,000."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it if you like it that much."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really like. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and since we would exchange the BMW that we bought last year."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $50,000 after the trade."
"OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else. . ."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and stopped by the real estate agent's this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year
year it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of
park area, beach front property. . ."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $1,450,000. . .a magnificent price, and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the down payment. . ."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,350,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie. . .Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye. . .I do, too."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone. He asks all the people present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB!!
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
**********
During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
**********
The fundamentalist preacher was quick to admonish his congregation for violating the Sabbath, but being an ardent golfer, he himself was often tempted to play golf on sunny Sundays. One spring Sunday morning dawned so glorious that he could not resist the temptation. He sneaked out to the course before anyone else and teed off. When he was on the third tee, facing a 440-yard par four with a dogleg left, an angel spotted him and reported his transgression to God. "We must punish this sinner, Lord," said the angel. "I shall," said the Lord. The preacher hit his drive long and straight, but then a miraculous thing happened: the ball hooked slightly, gained momentum and carried all the way to the green. It hit softly on the front edge, hopped twice and rolled gently into the cup for an ace. The angel turned to God and said, "I thought you intended to punish him. But, instead, you just allowed him the shot of a lifetime." "Oh, but I did punish him," said God. "Who's he going to tell?"
**********
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!" The man replies, "I found it."