My Testimony
I did not grow up in a church-going family, though my parents are very loving and hard working people. When I first began to learn about God, I was nearly 19. "path".
When I was 9 I got a tumor in my spine and had to have massive surgery which kept me in the hospital for a week. During recovery, I would hear kids crying through the nights, and I also experienced a great deal of pain myself. I later wondered how people could believe God was real, despite unfortunate events like what I had encountered. I eventually decided God would not be real if such suffering happened. From this time until my senior year of high school, I did not think about God.
As I finished high school I began to seriously question whether God was real or not. A hunger was in me to know and experience God, if I could find Him. I tried going to church at a nearby Evangelical Free Church, and went to some Bible studies at the house of some friends I had met through Cross Country.
As I went to college in Wausau, WI, I continued to seek God. I was given a Bible, and began to read it nearly every day. Then, for a few months, I grew frustrated and quit seeking. Then, in January (2002), I prayed to receive Christ. This happened when I believe the Holy Spirit began to break through upon me, and convict me that there was something more than going to Church, reading the Bible, and going to Bible studies; and there was even something beyond believing God was real. I emailed a friend about the conviction that was upon me, and they soon wrote back to tell me the gospel: that we are sinners, seperated from a Holy God; but that Christ died for us to know God personally, if we will repent and turn to Him. In that moment, I got down on my hands and knees in the UW Marathon County Dormitory, and prayed the sinner's prayer.
I began to have some wonderful moments with our Lord in the next few months. I remember listening to "World's Apart" by Jars of Clay and rollerblading in Marathon Park at night, looking up at the stars and listening to that song, feeling the love and presence of God so deeply. I also would read the Bible with such deep joy and gladness. And, I began to pray for people to be saved and to do some evangelizing to friends.
Yet, over time, I began to become increasingly judgmental towards the born again Christians that I knew. I also did not seperate myself from ungodly friends, nor do hardly any fellowshipping with believers. This utterly hurt me, over time. By late August, due to these three atrocities in my life, I was full of bitterness and accusation towards Jesus, regarding principles such as "What happens to the souls of those who never hear the gospel" and "Once someone is born again, is it impossible to end up in hell?".
As I began my second year of college, I was roomed with a friend who was a very wise and devout Roman Catholic. Initially, we had an ugly argument about faith in Jesus, each of us expressing to one another our own belief in salvation and knowing God. Over time, what he had to say became increasingly more attractive to my mind. He also had some books on Catholicism, and I began to read them. Due to my confusion over some doctrinal issues, and my lack of even discussing them with other believers, I was more drawn to the Catholic faith. I was particularly impacted by reading "The Soul of a Lion: The Biography of Dietrich von Hildenbrand." In reading these books I encountared a kind of unity and depth of theology that I had not found in the Bible studies or "born-again" culture I had been a part of.
In December, I decided to become a Catholic. From this point on, I became very serious and passionate about the Catholic faith. I bought and read many Catholic books, on Catholic apologetics, of spiritual biographies, Pope John Paul's writings and biography, and various other stuff. I attended a Latin Mass in church, where the priests were all educated in Europe. This appealed much to me, intellectually, as it had been my understanding that European priests were more traditional and better educated than most American ones. I also spent much time on EWTN's forum, "Catholic Q & A."
During my time as a Catholic, it was rare for me to read the Bible. I had previously gotten confused and frustrated with the Bible while in the "born again" phase. I put my trust in Catholic officials to relay the essentials of the Bible.
Despite being zealous for Catholicism, I did not bare the fruit of a godly person though. In the three years I spent in the dormitories I was full if mischief, pulling many pranks and encouraging friends to do foolish things. While my roommate and I were devoutly "Christian", we'd be having alcohol in our room all the time. I was also smoking every once and awhile. Also, in my 3rd year, I even chided a very wild natured, younger friend into prank calling the resident atheist philosophy professor, as Jesus. And I remember asking him for a ride to church for my confirmation classes that evening, not really thinking there was anything wrong with it.
That spring semester, as I finished off at my community college, I became a recluse and studied the Catholic books with greater zeal than ever, attended confession and mass frequently, and had some intense times of praying the rosary
That summer, I became concerned about how much more challenging academics would be at the University of Wisconsin, where I was transferring to. I decided to get on a prescription med for ADD, which I had been diagnosed with as a child but had not taken medicine for. In my time at UWMC, I would often study at the last second, and had probably set a record for all-nighters and caffeine intake. I knew this would not cut it at the big University. And so, I was put on an amphetamine. It is useful to add mention that I had to go through a Nurse practicioner, to avoid a 3 month wait to see a psychiatrist. The nurse pr. put me on 40 for a month, then 60 mg/day. Most who Ive known have been on 15 mg/day. The amphetamines made me super energized and wild for hours. I found out later that if I had ADD, they would have calmed me down. I must have ADDDDD, of course that's why.
My time at UW Madison started. As far as a countdown goes, I was 5 months from knowing the man Christ Jesus!
I grew even more recluse. The adderall took away my appetite and wouldn't let me sleep. During my first month, I would get about 4 to 5 1/2 hours of sleep, and wake up early for class, and just take my morning 30 mg dosage. Within 10-15 minutes I would be buzzing with energy and excitement.
To back up, I became aquainted with a Catholic literary professor when I first became Catholic. This man was very intellectual and referred me to most of the books I read. He was very devout in the Catholic movement against the liberal ongoings in secular universities. So he reccomended some books for me, as my university is about the #1 "deconstructionalist", liberal university in the world. These books grabbed my passions.
I began to zone out each evening, thanks to the adderall. I would sit on the internet for hours writing out philosophies--to where I would not go to the bathroom for half an hour to an hour after I really had to go!! Or else, I would zone out reading the essays for classes, and writing my rebukes and criticisms. I would zealously attack any argument, logic, idea, etc which seemed "deconstructionalist", immoral, wicked, or non-Catholic. I would write pages upon pages breaking down its lines of reasoning, structure, anomalies, etc.
All of this increased very rapidly. Not eating healthy and averaging 5 1/2 to 6 hours of sleep through the semester, really got to me. If I didnt take a dosage, I could sleep for nearly 15 hours, and still go back to sleep any time thereafter.
I would also pray the rosary a lot, sometimes for over an hour. Biggest of all, I began to have spiritual encounters, although they were probably hallucinations.
There is a huge library on campus which is open 24-7, and I would sometimes go there and stay up all night on the adderall to write and read. One night I had taken an excedrine or two for a migraine, these each having a great deal of caffeine, as well as the adderall. Around 4 or 5 am, I suddenly was struck with a vision or sort of sense of what the soul looked like. I also had my mind "opened" up to understand how to note and capture angles, plains, lightings, etc. in paintings and other art.. Another time, I was at benediction--where you sit and pray as meditative music is played and incense is burned--when I saw the rising incense melt into light. I was taking a Dostoevsky class at the time, and awhile later I discovered that Zosima in the Bro's K. had this same exact experience.
There were also times where my insane writings would be bent against born again Christianity. I would go about this furiously.
Around december my prescription ran out. Normally, my parents would drop me off my new presc. when visitng, but they weren't to be visiting for a few more weeks. The withdrawal effect was that I slept all the time. I missed all of my classes + all but one final. I tried staying awake but just couldn't. I remember trying a few no doz to make it to my latin exam and still falling asleep.
I managed to obtain incompletes. And vacation began, my family going to disney world.
This is where it gets really crazy--and as the count down goes, I was less than a month from meeting the Savior!
I got my prescription renewed as we left madison. I began to get paranoid as another side effect, though I didnt let it show. We stayed at the Carribean Beach Resort at Disneyworld (florida). My paranioa was that I began to increasingly sense that something was out to get me. I wasn't far off, because the Holy Spirit was breaking in and with great resistance. I also began to have my mind "opened up" to certain knowledge. I think this was faulty though, not the real deal. For instance, a few weeks before I would read Shakespeare and had all sorts of crazy revelations, like if you read his first sonnet it is in a way talking about the sun, and therefore Shakespeare had knowledge of the heliocentric universe in a time when geocentrism dominated. Also, I had a great deal of ideas enter my mind about light and its properties. I also tried reading through a newspaper (which I never do) one day to examine trends and try to understand how to know what was going to happen in the business realm.
When I was on the beach one day, I felt like something in the sky was offering me to know more knowledge.. I felt like there was a great magical world in the sky. I later found out that Paul calls satan the ruler of the kingdom of air. And also, according to an opinion I trust, demons and principalities are in the skies which is the second heavens.
I didnt sense this was wrong or evil, in the slightest.
Yet I also had the paranoia. Once we were in line for a ride at Universal, and some guy randomly cut in line to stand behind me. He had sunglasses on, and wasnt with any one. I also saw Muslim people with videocameras and was frightened that they were taping the parks to plan a way to cause great harm. To this effect, I was waiting to get on the Back to the Future ride when something weird happened. We were in an elivator with props from the movie, and there was a note to Doc from the terrorists saying they were going to blow something up. As a funny sidenote, I didnt know about the first Back to the Future movie, so I thought this was a secret note from the terrorists! AND, the only people in the elevator were my family and..an Islamic family!
One day at the beach, I think the same day I had the sky experience, I was struck with fear. I laid down on the sand and began to ask God to help me, and I was too frightened to peer up. I just wanted to lie like that forever. On the ride back, the fear prevailed. I felt like something was seriously trying to destroy me. I knew that many crazy people say the government was out to get them, but I knew that was total nonsense. I had no idea what it was, but I meditated drastically to try and figure it out.
During that ride, I took my cd player and put it on "Agnus Dei" by Third Day (the live version I think). One of the few Christian songs I had. I listened to it over and over and shut my eyes tight and clung to the very words of the song as if my life depended on it. I had begun to sense that I didnt really know the truth, whatever that was, with my Catholic stuff. I wanted so much to know.
Around that time something amazing happened. I got allergies one morning--and I about never get allergies. I had to miss the day at the park and stay couped up in the hotel room. I found a Bible, one of the ones the Gideons place. I began to read it--and read, read, read, READ it. Over the next week I would read that intensely.
My quest for Truth began to quicken. So did the paranoia. I would often skip my dosages. Then some days, I would take some adderall. But I was getting very "sick" of it.
Vacation ended... about a week later, I would be saved!
Another great temptation occured a few days after returning from the vacation. I tried the adderall again, and the "knowledge" began to open up to me as it had never done before. I was given a very clear 'blueprint' on how to assemble a "youth army", for the purpose of rebelling against certain things. For some crazy reason, I didnt think there was anything wrong with it. I was also given revelations that there was a war going on between unseen powers--but as the devil was telling me it, it was distorted (though I didnt know it). I dont know how to describe it, but many secret things were unlocked to me in a great deal of great literature I had in my room, and--just to keep it clear that all of this was honestly crazy--Billy Corgan's (smashing pumpkins guy) lyrics.
Here's the end and the beginning of it all. I continued to hunger for a Truth I knew I did not know.
I kept reading the Bible. It was a KJV, and one evening I found an NIV buried in the shelves in back of my basement. This NIV had the theme "Chase or Embrace", from the Nationals youth conference in Atlanta from the summer 2002. It had some very solid introductory points.
But that wasn't what did it..
One day, and throughout that day and evening, I read Jonah, Ecclesiastes, and much of John. Something about these particular books spoke to me very powerful. Spoke to me in the way, that you don't speak or think but keep reading and "listening", as if your thinking and speaking will disrupt a transmission.
Suddenly, the power of God fell upon me and I realized with utter conviction that I was a man of sin. I realized that I had gone about the church thing all wrong--that He was very real and very personal, and that only through His Son Jesus Christ can I (or anyone) be saved. I repented and gave my life to the Lord. Just like that, so much revelation hit me. Praise God! He showed me my errors and showered me with His love.
I was broken, realizing I had nothing in the world but a drug problem, a D and 3 incompletes, and a huge heap of pride and vanity God had just shed off me.
Praise God, He has held on to me so gracefully
Also, here is another powerful testimony, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ux-y9PM-o7M
If you do not know Jesus, be encouraged that He is real and He does want to know You. Turn to Him, repent of your sins, and truly follow, obey, and love Him! The following gospel-tract presentation might serve you well to read, http://everystudent.com/features/gettingconnected.html